fleshgarden
Student
- Mar 15, 2023
- 130
I've been trying to sort of "recover" in my suicidality and my breakdowns and just my depression because I had a realization that life is short and I should just do what I enjoy one day while I was high. obviously a huge joke but I could do in for about a week. until I immediately fell back into it a week later and I can't believe thought I could just not be sad when literally everything would be so much better without me here. I had a conversation with my girlfriend and eventually I started spiraling without being able to calm down and I realized Again the reason I want to do is because I am not important for any aspect of life, for me or for others..I inevitably will fail anything no matter how long I try. I thought I could just keep myself up with distracting myself with things I enjoy but I don't enjoy ANYTHING. I thought I enjoyed art and coding..and everything. . but constantly I feel like giving up art, no one even likes it including me and the constant want for more skill just isn't doing it for me like it used to.. I don't feel any sort of motivators to get me through the day and pretty much nothing brings me happiness...so I decided I should just focus on death again because it's inevitable and I could never heal from that because what I feel isn't a distortion of reality ..it's the reality I'm in/and my reality is torturous to be in..I may be weak I may be idiotic I don't even care I just know what I truly want is to be gone. obviously I still have the issue of I don't have ay methods but I probably have time for that, at least I would die in 5 years probably..,whatever, I'll just stop rambling..I don't really like flooding the forum, it's such a waste of space .
