I am afraid and broken.

[my_name_is_mud]

Tried to CTB by partial hanging tonight. Only to result with high SI response from my body after I passed out. When I woke up it felt like the worst anxiety attack ever, I don't know how to explain it.

I'm so hurt it didn't work and now I'm too afraid to try it again but I really need and want to CTB still. I feel like life and death both don't want me.

 

[dumbfukloser]

It's a cruel feeling afterwards. You hope this is the way out, you have found relief. I know the feeling all too well. It hurts the most because you feel like you gave it your all and you were ready to go but you failed. Shame, guilt, hatred and fear set in immediately. You might even feel like you've completely shut down. Don't be too hard on yourself, life already sucks enough. Take some time and clear your mind. You will eventually achieve the peace you deserve.

 

[deadwalkid]

It's ok to rest and heal, my friend.
Peace is worth fighting for, so is our decision to ctb.
Better luck next time.

 

[my_name_is_mud]

I think I will be forced to go to the hospital by my friend and my mom. It's the last thing I want, they all don't understand how decided I am about CTB.

They don't understand it's the first time I truly make a decision for myself and not the others, that it's my way to give myself the peace I always deserved.

I made the error to call a friend who was there for me 2 months ago when I was in psychiatric care. I know I will be forced to return. All that because I was having a panic attack since my body felt like electricity after the attempt and it was unbearable. I'm glad I was able to fall unconcious after like only 3 seconds, i wasn't aware at all, I didn't even need to count. But damn it. My body had to push itself up. My set up was all good. I made my letter, put one of my favorite songs (out of time man - Mick Harvey) It was peaceful and beautiful but I'm alive now and angry at all this.

 

[dumbfukloser]

Honestly anyone who hasn't had those feelings don't truly understand its impact or intentions. I hope you aren't forced into the hospital if you don't wanna go because that's not always the best way to help. That anger you feel is completely and utterly valid. It's a strange mix of emotions but take a deep breath and relax. We are gonna find our peace in our own time

 

[26mmmm]

Tried to CTB by partial hanging tonight. Only to result with high SI response from my body after I passed out. When I woke up it felt like the worst anxiety attack ever, I don't know how to explain it.

I'm so hurt it didn't work and now I'm too afraid to try it again but I really need and want to CTB still. I feel like life and death both don't want me.

How did you wake up?

 

[rozeske]

Am sorry you had to go through the dreadful feeling of a failed attempt. I hope you can feel better soon.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be really awful what you are going through, I find it so incredibly cruel how people have to resort to suicide methods like that in the first place and cannot just have the option to die in a guaranteed, peaceful way, we really shouldn't have to suffer so much to leave this existence. But anyway best wishes.

 

[my_name_is_mud]

Well, let's make an update I guess.

I'm in the psychiatric hospital. I'm just so done honestly. I don't want to traumatize my mom and my friends at all but my brain is just not caring anymore. I see nothing nice in the future, I've never been able to enjoy life even when it goes "well".

I'm sad my attempt didn't work.

How did you wake up?

I did partial hanging and I was quite low on the ground like on the picture (b). People managed to die like that multiple time but I think I should have not neglected to put my arms behind my back.

https://images.app.goo.gl/nfGZrimBUGLgyeRy8

So maybe I simply pushed myself up with my arms even if I didn't put them in the position to do so. I don't remember anything beside waking up completely lost sitting on the ground.