There is a very good David Foster Wallace story I think "Good Old Neon" where he describes the sentiment of feeling like a fraud. In this essay he also forsees his suicide.
I was bullied as a child and as a teenagers from many people for my allegedly stupidity. People laughed at me. (There was way more shit in my childhood mistreatment and other stuff) I started to learn/work in order to become smarter/ more educated. In fact I was manic. I think I am slightly smarter than the average dude. But it is obvious I let people think I was way smarter than I actually am. Partly I am pretty good at it. Some of my doctors told me I could have become a professor without my illnesses. (They really meant it it was not a stupid lie.) Many people have told me how smart I am. In fact I am pretty articulate. (Due to the fact that I am searching in my freetime for words I do not know the meaning of when I read newspapers. I do this for the German language barely for English.
In highschool (In Germany it is more difficult than in the US, at least the school where I went, there are also schools with way less expectations) I was in the last year I think the third best student of that year (of 150 students). I only could do that due to the fact I worked like the maniac I was.
Noone literally noone did the half of my work. For my age I worked way way more than everyone else. With my good grades I now attend a very good university and a very difficult course. (There are many factors why I have choosen this course tbh I never thought I would make it through the first few weeks. In fact I might have been right about it I do not feel good mentally after the first 2 weeks.)
There are so many extremely intelligent people I now feel often very stupid. Just like the time when I was a child/teenager. I cannot even learn much due to the instability of my brain. It feels like every second my brain could become a new chernobyl.
I feel so embarrassed when people think I am stupid. The courses are extremely complicated. I just keep my mouth shut and wait till my illness stops me from my studies. (My therapists want me to go on and on). I envy those extremely smart people. I have met some people in the past who could see right through my charade.
Okay it was one physics professor I have met in the clinic. He hated my behaviour. I think he despised me. Now I am friend with probably one of the best maybe the best student in my course. I think he can partly see through my charade.
When the exams come I am done. Probably I get ill way before that...
I was bullied as a child and as a teenagers from many people for my allegedly stupidity. People laughed at me. (There was way more shit in my childhood mistreatment and other stuff) I started to learn/work in order to become smarter/ more educated. In fact I was manic. I think I am slightly smarter than the average dude. But it is obvious I let people think I was way smarter than I actually am. Partly I am pretty good at it. Some of my doctors told me I could have become a professor without my illnesses. (They really meant it it was not a stupid lie.) Many people have told me how smart I am. In fact I am pretty articulate. (Due to the fact that I am searching in my freetime for words I do not know the meaning of when I read newspapers. I do this for the German language barely for English.
In highschool (In Germany it is more difficult than in the US, at least the school where I went, there are also schools with way less expectations) I was in the last year I think the third best student of that year (of 150 students). I only could do that due to the fact I worked like the maniac I was.
Noone literally noone did the half of my work. For my age I worked way way more than everyone else. With my good grades I now attend a very good university and a very difficult course. (There are many factors why I have choosen this course tbh I never thought I would make it through the first few weeks. In fact I might have been right about it I do not feel good mentally after the first 2 weeks.)
There are so many extremely intelligent people I now feel often very stupid. Just like the time when I was a child/teenager. I cannot even learn much due to the instability of my brain. It feels like every second my brain could become a new chernobyl.
I feel so embarrassed when people think I am stupid. The courses are extremely complicated. I just keep my mouth shut and wait till my illness stops me from my studies. (My therapists want me to go on and on). I envy those extremely smart people. I have met some people in the past who could see right through my charade.
Okay it was one physics professor I have met in the clinic. He hated my behaviour. I think he despised me. Now I am friend with probably one of the best maybe the best student in my course. I think he can partly see through my charade.
When the exams come I am done. Probably I get ill way before that...
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