Every year around Christmas time, when my birthday also rolls around, I realise how for just another time, nothing has changed.
Therapy didn't help me, the medicine only suits to dull my pain, but apparently it is expected of me to just continue and be happy, just because not every single part of my existence is worth despising.
It's over two years ago now that I lost her, but her fleeting ghost continues to roam amidst my mind without break. I dream of her, see hallucinations of her at times, and wish so desperately that I could keep her voice in my head forever.
But I want her out of it, I want it all to leave me in peace if only it would mean for me to be able to live a normal life again.
She left me all alone, and never have I ever gotten an apology for what she did to me in the end. How she left me to suffer. But why can't I have happiness now when she surely does? Have I been such a monster to deserve it? Perhaps I have. Maybe it's all my fault. But surely, two years of suffering and loving her still is enough punishment for me then? Why am I not permitted to feel better eventually?
And every time I try, life shoots me down. My bad luck shoots me down, and everything else just the same. I worked for everything I have, everything I still have, but it seems I'm just not enough. Not enough to get rid of these lingering feelings, not enough to meet someone new, not enough to get my own mind in order.
I've given life plenty of chances, and it kicked me into the balls every single time. I only begin to wonder whether it might just be an ask as empty as all the promises that time itself would surely fix things eventually.
Time is the eternal enemy of humankind, how would it possibly help? And life, that appears to want me gone as well.
I wonder and wander then, whether it's worth even to keep trying.
Therapy didn't help me, the medicine only suits to dull my pain, but apparently it is expected of me to just continue and be happy, just because not every single part of my existence is worth despising.
It's over two years ago now that I lost her, but her fleeting ghost continues to roam amidst my mind without break. I dream of her, see hallucinations of her at times, and wish so desperately that I could keep her voice in my head forever.
But I want her out of it, I want it all to leave me in peace if only it would mean for me to be able to live a normal life again.
She left me all alone, and never have I ever gotten an apology for what she did to me in the end. How she left me to suffer. But why can't I have happiness now when she surely does? Have I been such a monster to deserve it? Perhaps I have. Maybe it's all my fault. But surely, two years of suffering and loving her still is enough punishment for me then? Why am I not permitted to feel better eventually?
And every time I try, life shoots me down. My bad luck shoots me down, and everything else just the same. I worked for everything I have, everything I still have, but it seems I'm just not enough. Not enough to get rid of these lingering feelings, not enough to meet someone new, not enough to get my own mind in order.
I've given life plenty of chances, and it kicked me into the balls every single time. I only begin to wonder whether it might just be an ask as empty as all the promises that time itself would surely fix things eventually.
Time is the eternal enemy of humankind, how would it possibly help? And life, that appears to want me gone as well.
I wonder and wander then, whether it's worth even to keep trying.
