Discussion Hows does depression speak to you?

[LadyAlastor]

I figured this would be a topic that would be interesting to talk about, so I guess I'll go first.

I've had depression since I was about 12 granted i don't remember much of my childhood at all (according to my step father it's better I don't remember) depression or as I call her kusho came into my life and I guess its understandable given what I've been through in the past and even now.

But on to the topic at hand, kusho speaks in many ways to try to get me to end it all, and we are constantly at war with one another however she enjoys every bit of it, you could say she's a emotional saidst, even using the fact of me dying 3 times on an operating table as a child was a sign that life was never in the cards for me.

I've always considered depression a beautiful demon who loves their prey but for their prey to love them the prey has to give in, many times I've given in and they failed sadly however I think kusho enjoys the suffering of when a failed attempt does happen..gives kusho more time, sick bitch.

But as a saidst myself I can't help but respect that.

I know odd I give my depression a name and respect her as an enemy but also love her . She knows I want out and that makes it more fun for her sadly. However deep down I think she just wants to help. THAT OR SHES A YANDERE .

Thank for listening.

 

[sushisushi12]

What you wrote strikes me, my view is nowhere near yours, but weirdly i can understand you. I experienced difficult events during early adolescence, and all my demons stood behind me during years, while I thought I was happy. I never considered naming or personifying my depression, but as i read you, i related to what you wrote. I think my depression is more of an enemy that is too strong for me, I try to fight back but it does nothing.

Thank you, your words helped me.

 

[LadyAlastor]

What you wrote strikes me, my view is nowhere near yours, but weirdly i can understand you. I experienced difficult events during early adolescence, and all my demons stood behind me during years, while I thought I was happy. I never considered naming or personifying my depression, but as i read you, i related to what you wrote. I think my depression is more of an enemy that is too strong for me, I try to fight back but it does nothing.

Thank you, your words helped me.

I will admit I didnt expect this type of response, I'm flattered, thank you for reading and understanding it. And of course your welcome.
And I do agree it is indeed a foe who is stronger than alot of us.

 

[Sulyya]

I guess I've never pictured or considered it in some personified or physical form. It would be like a big hand pulling me down, like to the floor. A lot of the time when it hits and I'm walking or standing my legs literally weaken and that's sort of how it feels.

 

[Scythe]

Hmm it's pretty interesting that you personified your depression. Pretty cool prespective to take on. I have just given up fighting and embraced depression as a part of me, after all, it is right when it says I'm useless and weak and a good for nothing. There's no use fighting the truth. And if I were to give depression a physical form, it's gonna be a heavy blanket with chains attached to it. Because it weighs my entire body down whereas if it's a shackle it will only weigh my legs. A blanket can also be used to block your vision and hearing, depression can do that sometimes, making me see only the worst outcome and twist the meaning of words.

 

[pulsar]

Really Really fucking loudly in the middle of the night when I lay there for hours not sleeping telling me that I am a complete failure, that Alex is gone, and that I have wasted my life and will never have any of the things I hoped for in my misspent youth.

 

[LadyAlastor]

I guess I've never pictured or considered it in some personified or physical form. It would be like a big hand pulling me down, like to the floor. A lot of the time when it hits and I'm walking or standing my legs literally weaken and that's sort of how it feels.

That's framil

Really Really fucking loudly in the middle of the night when I lay there for hours not sleeping telling me that I am a complete failure, that Alex is gone, and that I have wasted my life and will never have any of the things I hoped for in my misspent youth.

I know that feeling, even though my ex is back in my life, I still feel like a failure, even though she gives me praise and tells me I'm a good girl or when I go to the store and make sure she has things I still feel powerless.

 

[pulsar]

Trust me living with the alternative everyday is no picnic. I used to have to listen to female friends when I actually had any friends whatsoever tell me how horrible it was being in their relationship. Hmmm try being completely alone and I mean completely and absolutely alone for years and years and see what it does to your sanity. Thats why solitary confinement is used to break people. People say, life changes all the time. Really? Mine hasn't since December 4th 2013 the worst day of my life. medication after medication, ketamine therapy just finished after several months, years and years of pointless talk i.e. counseling, talk changes nothing action does, and I'm pretty much emotionally paralyzed or dead. Temporary problem? Not really. How can a pill or talk give you a reason to live again? Without purpose or meaning you are just existing, not living.

 

[vexi]

I almost gasped out loud while reading this.

Because I share a lot of similar experiences. But I often feel ashamed for thinking this way, so I never shared this with anyone.

Although I don't have a name for my depression, I do often see it as a separate entity. A giant shadow with bright white eyes, It's like a voice in my head telling me awful things about myself, leading me to do reckless and suicidal stuff.

In a way it's like an abuse partner that lives in my head 24/7. Deceiving me to keep me away from other people. Telling me that it loves me and that death is the only way out. And that only after death I can join it.

So yeah, I have this love hate relationship with my own depression…

 

[LadyAlastor]

I almost gasped out loud while reading this.

Because I share a lot of similar experiences. But I often feel ashamed for thinking this way, so I never shared this with anyone.

Although I don't have a name for my depression, I do often see it as a separate entity. A giant shadow with bright white eyes, It's like a voice in my head telling me awful things about myself, leading me to do reckless and suicidal stuff.

In a way it's like an abuse partner that lives in my head 24/7. Deceiving me to keep me away from other people. Telling me that it loves me and that death is the only way out. And that only after death I can join it.

So yeah, I have this love hate relationship with my own depression…

I think I may have a song that fit everything you just said and to be honestly for the first time I dont feel alone so thank you, because that how it's always been for me. I dont know if links work on here but the song is called after dark by mr kitty, when I listen to that song it honestly feels like a love song from your depression or as I call her kusho.