How you handle living your day with thinking everyday that you should kill yourself?

[waveAdream]

Everyday is becoming heavier and heavier for me to counting, the only reason that I still I didn't kill myself is beacuse I still waiting for my SN. Hopefully is not scam. I ordered from MIC yesterday.

I am pushing myself to live doing normal thing like going to work, meditating, putting future list of my goals. But is killing me. I got abused and traumatised in way that no person should be and being still forced to live with people who hurts you is extremely repression and marginalization, i am pushing myself to not lose all myself and just wait for the day that I can successfully kill myself.. ( my work environment make it worse for me )

How you people handle this suicidal desires and thoughts everyday? Do you push yourself hardly ?
or seeing therapist and taking medicine helped you comb with these thoughts through your daily life?

 

[kilowatt]

I find comfort in the thought that suicide awaits me at the end of the line regardless of the life I choose to live. Regarding your trauma, medications helped me survive during the worse of my cptsd episodes.
All that being said it never goes away - not the desire to escape it all nor the consequences of the trauma

 

[post_card]

I am sorry you feel this way and i am sorry for your trauma.
For me bad thoughts come and go. Fortunately, they are not always present. When they are present tho, I can t focus on anything else. I am empty. I do not push myself, I try to do as little as possible, since doing anything feels like a task that cannot be done. Every second of that state hurts and doesn't want to let go.
But then, the thoughts do disappear for a not-defined-time and I feel absolutely normal. But there is this fear in me, that I know, that they will come back to me, and maybe they are gonna be stronger than before.

 

[flowersforalgernons]

its impossible

 

[waveAdream]

its impossible

Yes it's is , How do you move on your day with them? I am draining myself because I am forced to be alive. So I can't imagine how is difficult to other people too

I find comfort in the thought that suicide awaits me at the end of the line regardless of the life I choose to live. Regarding your trauma, medications helped me survive during the worse of my cptsd episodes.
All that being said it never goes away - not the desire to escape it all nor the consequences of the trauma

I am doing the same thing, except for medicine.. I can't go to therapy and the idea of psychosocial therapy is simply unfamiliar in the Middle East, particularly in the Gulf region. These countries build fom capitalism and money & religion .. not for individuals like us..

Any way I hope you all get your desires results and the life you want. I wish you the best further

 

[ConstantPain]

Good for you that you're still able to work and keep appearances up. I did for a long time but not anymore. I desperately need to get an income but the thought of even interviewing somewhere new seems impossible.
When I still could work and manage my life, medication helped a lot. Also, having good doctors who cared made a big difference.

 

[suncide10]

I don't have as many suicidal thoughts at the moment but there was a period of time when I'd think about suicide literally all day long. I just realized I'll do it only if life becomes so unbearable that suicide seems like the best option. I tried partial hanging 4 times and in each attempt I was very scared.
And I took up a new hobby and it helped me to distract myself a little, I just hope I won't quit it in a few weeks like I usually do.

 

[hdead]

Everyday is becoming heavier and heavier for me to counting, the only reason that I still I didn't kill myself is beacuse I still waiting for my SN. Hopefully is not scam. I ordered from MIC yesterday.

I am pushing myself to live doing normal thing like going to work, meditating, putting future list of my goals. But is killing me. I got abused and traumatised in way that no person should be and being still forced to live with people who hurts you is extremely repression and marginalization, i am pushing myself to not lose all myself and just wait for the day that I can successfully kill myself.. ( my work environment make it worse for me )

How you people handle this suicidal desires and thoughts everyday? Do you push yourself hardly ?
or seeing therapist and taking medicine helped you comb with these thoughts through your daily life?

I tried all the aforementioned. Worked out, busted my body. Tried to make friends, get left on read. Tried to heal family wounds, endless conflict. Try to be alone and learn shit, end up bored and anhedonic. Move to a completely different country to rediscover myself, end up wanting to cut my soul free from my body. It's an endless cycle.

Now I just kinda NEET. Chopping trees, wheelbarrowing woodchips, upholding the garden, drinking beer and collecting a whole bunch of potent pills (yea yea I know it's ill-advised but it's basically a new hobby at this stage and I like doing research). Trying to stay off benzos and seroquel and staying up all night, going slightly insane and being completely unbareable all day. Eat trash, look at SaSu, ideate almost every minute of the entire day while I'm wearing a sad mask.

It's possible, pretty torturous but possible. When winter comes, it will likely become unbareable. Hope to check out before then.