Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
414
Once, when I was 13, I asked my grandma what it means to think about suicide sometimes. She told me it means I didn't want to die, because if I truly did, I wouldn't have confessed this to her. Instead, I would slit my little wrists and go bye-bye.

That day I learned to suffer in silence.

In a night of desperation at the tender age of 14, I committed a parasuicide as a cry for help. Attempting suicide was the only way to prove one's pain is real. That was what grandma taught me, after all. If I died, I wouldn't care. If I didn't die, perhaps I could get the help I didn't know how to ask for otherwise.

I remember asking my grandma once if people who write suicide notes didn't really want to die and just wanted attention. She said yes. I deliberately did not write a suicide note that night with this platitude in mind. I wanted my pain to be perceived as real.

It worked. For the first time in my life, my grandma took my pain seriously. She also discovered I didn't stop cutting. I will admit I began to cut openly and no longer cared who saw. Was it for attention? Yes, because for the first time in my life, I had proven to others (and thus myself) that I was a genuinely fucked up and broken girl. My pain was no longer dismissed.

I have developed a much more nuanced and healthy approach with age, yet even now, this sentiment still pumps deeply throughout my veins. As an afab, it pains me that the pain of woman is dismissed because they complete suicide less than men. One of the reasons I wanted to ctb was to prove my pain was real and not for sympathy or show. I wanted to Not Be Like the Other Girls I guess.

Mass hysteria, malingering, and feigning illnesses for attention or sympathy or monetary gain is a well documented thing. The internet is full of examples. How do I know I'm not one of these assholes?

Why am I so obsessed with what others think? Only I can know the true extent of my pain. People are bad judges of this, considering how many people are shocked at the suicides of their loved ones. How do I internally validate my own pain without begging for the same validation from others?
 
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LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,247
The whole "do it for attention" is very misunderstood. Someone still has to be in a lot of real pains and have a lot of emotional struggles to be willing to harm themselves solely for attention (and it is rarely a matter of "solely").
 
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Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
414
The whole "do it for attention" is very misunderstood. Someone still has to be in a lot of real pains and have a lot of emotional struggles to be willing to harm themselves solely for attention (and it is rarely a matter of "solely").
So how do I accept my pain is real on my own terms? People are often wrong. Yet my pain never feels real unless others confirm it for me. I'm trying to stop relying on their validation and learn to trust myself that my pain is genuine and real, no matter what others say.
 
LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,247
So how do I accept my pain is real on my own terms? People are often wrong. Yet my pain never feels real unless others confirm it for me. I'm trying to stop relying on their validation and learn to trust myself that my pain is genuine and real, no matter what others say.
You were so close to hanging yourself from a tree. You wouldn't have done that if you hadn't been in pain and recognized what you felt as pain and wanted to escape it.
 
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Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
414
You were so close to hanging yourself from a tree. You wouldn't have done that if you hadn't been in pain and recognized what you felt as pain and wanted to escape it.
It sure didn't stop people from telling me I wasn't serious about it because if I really wanted to die I would have.

I mean, it wasn't the general consensus, but an outlier or two expressed this.

I just gotta shut other people out. If they don't understand, they don't matter.
 
LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,247
It sure didn't stop people from telling me I wasn't serious about it because if I really wanted to die I would have.
Bear in mind they level that accusation at everyone.
 
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Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
414
Bear in mind they level that accusation at everyone.
It's so silly how dumb comments from people lacking empathy make me question if my pain was enough.

Being a slave to external validation is a rough one. People are often wrong. So why do I do this?
 
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puella

puella

she/they
Oct 5, 2023
320
It's natural to want for others to see that you're hurting—to be understood and cared about. Crying is a visible and audible action because it's the body's response to needing help.

I'm sorry people have been so cold to you. You deserved to grow up around unconditional compassion. I understand. When I cried as a kid, my dad would start hitting me until I shut up. The world is unfair.

Your pain is real and valid. I care about you, I worry about you, and I understand you. 💙
 
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LaVieEnRose

LaVieEnRose

Angelic
Jul 23, 2022
4,247
It's so silly how dumb comments from people lacking empathy make me question if my pain was enough.

Being a slave to external validation is a rough one. People are often wrong. So why do I do this?
Hearing stuff like your grandma's comments during your formative years can really warp your cognition.

Plus we are all susceptible to needing validation.
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
414
I'm sorry people have been so cold to you. You deserved to grow up around unconditional compassion. I understand. When I cried as a kid, my dad would start hitting me until I shut up. The world is unfair.
I'm so sorry you went through that. No child deserves that.

Your pain is real and valid. I care about you, I worry about you, and I understand you. 💙
Thank you. <3

Hearing stuff like your grandma's comments during your formative years can really warp your cognition.
Absolutely. I think a lot of people misplace blame on their childhoods, but I do think this played a role in my cognitive biases. It's something I'm trying to work on.

Plus we are all susceptible to needing validation.
I can't argue with that, but I think true acceptance comes from within.

Any advice on how to achieve that?
 
AllCatsAreGrey

AllCatsAreGrey

they/he
Sep 27, 2023
281
How do I internally validate my own pain without begging for the same validation from others?

I've been thinking about this since you posted. I relate to a lot that you shared, particularly the want for external validation of your internal experience. I feel this need is totally normal and human. You're valid for wanting that. 💖🫂

It seems to me a key issue is being able to develop internal systems that can provide us with some of the support and validation. This is something I've been trying to do personally. Not exactly the best at it, but I've noticed that as I develop those skills more the weight of the need of external validation lessons. Being social animals we'll surely always seek external validation to some degree.

I've found parts work be helpful for this. Internal Family Systems (IFS) has been a helpful lens.

A great starting point can be getting to know the part that's suffering and in need of validation. How do you feel about that part? What does that part need? Are there other parts that can step up and provide that care?

This can be helpful in developing some distance from that part. "A part of me feels like x, but that's just a part of me." By doing parts work in a curious spirit we can develop more self compassion and learn to provide some of the care for ourselves that we often seek from others... That's the idea at least. Still working on practically applying it.

IFS Therapy
 
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Ksmиda

Ksmиda

Have I died too soon or lived too long?
Oct 23, 2023
187
It's natural to want for others to see that you're hurting—to be understood and cared about. Crying is a visible and audible action because it's the body's response to needing help.

I'm sorry people have been so cold to you. You deserved to grow up around unconditional compassion. I understand. When I cried as a kid, my dad would start hitting me until I shut up. The world is unfair.

Your pain is real and valid. I care about you, I worry about you, and I understand you. 💙
Very true
 
Cloud Busting

Cloud Busting

Formerly pinkribbonscars
Sep 9, 2023
414
I've been thinking about this since you posted.
Thank you so much for the interest as well as taking the time to write such a thorough and detailed response!

I relate to a lot that you shared, particularly the want for external validation of your internal experience. I feel this need is totally normal and human. You're valid for wanting that. 💖🫂
I'm definitely not unique in this.

It seems to me a key issue is being able to develop internal systems that can provide us with some of the support and validation. This is something I've been trying to do personally. Not exactly the best at it, but I've noticed that as I develop those skills more the weight of needed external validation lessons.
That's an interesting idea. I never thought of it that way!

Being social animals we'll surely always seek external validation to some degree.

I'm not trying to kill the part of me that wants external validation inasmuch as I'd like to strengthen the part that seeks validation from within.

I've found parts work be helpful for this. Internal Family Systems (IFS) has been a helpful lens.

I'm so happy you introduced me to IFS.



I watched this video and read a few articles but I still have much to learn.

I sort of pull different techniques from different models... a blended approach, I guess.

I utilize a lot of the strategies of Acceptance and Commitment therapy, as well as some DBT methods, like radical acceptance, urge surfing/riding the wave, and mindfulness.

What helps me a lot is writing down an assumption someone makes, and analyzing why that bothers me. It helps me get to the bottom of things.

I appreciate your response. Practical advice is what I was looking for.
 
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