It's been over a year since she cheated and I haven't even begun moving on, if anything I feel worse than I did back then. At least initially I was able to pretend my life didn't just get ruined to bits; I was still riding the high of getting out of a bad relationship. I moved to the other side of the planet for her and she wouldn't even talk to me, she cheated and she would yell at me whenever I became uncomfortable. I don't think I've ever felt so unsafe before. From the outside it's looked like I have been doing fairly well the past 12 months but I'm on the verge of breaking down again. I already tried to ctb once lately, I've missed like half of my uni classes and I've cried practically every day this month.
I've been wondering why I haven't killed myself yet because surely I'd be able to if I truly wanted to die? Ever since I can remember my life has consisted of little more than being bullied, eating disorders, depression, suicide attempts and self-harm. I haven't even had a proper friend who didn't end up betraying me since middle school. I'm reasonably intelligent and I come from a loving and fairly wealthy family, which I know are things many people would kill for but even so none of it seems worth it. I'm so lonely but after what happened not just with her but all throughout I don't think I can trust another person like that again. I would've said I was completely sure she wouldn't be capable of doing something as horrible and mean as what she ended up doing, and if you can't even trust your own judgment what can you trust? I've had trouble reading, watching tv shows/movies and even listening to music for ages. It seems like everything is a trigger these days, judging by the way it gets described it isn't a panic attack but my mind gets filled with disturbing memories and I can't stop having very vivid thoughts about what happened. I need to distract myself to avoid getting overwhelmed by negative thoughts but it feels impossible when the things you use to distract yourself start reminding you instead. I must skip the vast majority of the songs I listen to within half a minute because the thoughts start hurting too much if I don't.
People often tell me I deserve better, even those who have hurt me, but surely if it happens time and time again I'm at least partly to blame? I feel so unlikable, like even those who try can't help but hurt me. I know I'm a sensitive person but I don't deserve to feel this way. I don't deserve to have as many bad experiences as I do :(
I've had years worth of therapy and I'm set to go back, though I haven't even had an intake yet so it could easily take a year before I start any kind of treatment plan. Even then those years of therapy didn't really get me anywhere so I'm not sure why I want to go back so badly lol.
Sorry for this wall of text, I'm not sure how I'd even begin to respond to a message like this myself so please don't feel pressured
I've been wondering why I haven't killed myself yet because surely I'd be able to if I truly wanted to die? Ever since I can remember my life has consisted of little more than being bullied, eating disorders, depression, suicide attempts and self-harm. I haven't even had a proper friend who didn't end up betraying me since middle school. I'm reasonably intelligent and I come from a loving and fairly wealthy family, which I know are things many people would kill for but even so none of it seems worth it. I'm so lonely but after what happened not just with her but all throughout I don't think I can trust another person like that again. I would've said I was completely sure she wouldn't be capable of doing something as horrible and mean as what she ended up doing, and if you can't even trust your own judgment what can you trust? I've had trouble reading, watching tv shows/movies and even listening to music for ages. It seems like everything is a trigger these days, judging by the way it gets described it isn't a panic attack but my mind gets filled with disturbing memories and I can't stop having very vivid thoughts about what happened. I need to distract myself to avoid getting overwhelmed by negative thoughts but it feels impossible when the things you use to distract yourself start reminding you instead. I must skip the vast majority of the songs I listen to within half a minute because the thoughts start hurting too much if I don't.
People often tell me I deserve better, even those who have hurt me, but surely if it happens time and time again I'm at least partly to blame? I feel so unlikable, like even those who try can't help but hurt me. I know I'm a sensitive person but I don't deserve to feel this way. I don't deserve to have as many bad experiences as I do :(
I've had years worth of therapy and I'm set to go back, though I haven't even had an intake yet so it could easily take a year before I start any kind of treatment plan. Even then those years of therapy didn't really get me anywhere so I'm not sure why I want to go back so badly lol.
Sorry for this wall of text, I'm not sure how I'd even begin to respond to a message like this myself so please don't feel pressured
