How to pass the feeling

[void_end]

All my thoughts and mind are almost consumed with death, it scares me but I can't help but feel drawn to it.
I have already attempted and was the closest I have ever been, but at the last second I ran to my mom to hug her, not out of love.
She led me step by step to where I'm right at this moment, her and those I call family.
Their control of me like a tool, a "thing" because of their beliefs have gotten to me.
I dream of them hunting me down like I never deserved to live, I dream of them finding out everything, that I have long ago became an atheist.
I tried going to a therapist, I tried three times, most of whom I got to be at all time "monitored" by my parents because a woman can't sit with a man alone.
So I was never able to say anything, only bleed as I tell him what doesn't make them bad people. Just a bit strict. Nothing more.
I hated myself to the gut, I can't stand to look in the mirror, everything that I am is the side effects of my prison, my deathly look and my sick mind. All because of how I live at this moment. And if anyone was to find out about anything, I will be killed before I even get the chance to do it alone.
So I better hurry, but my last attempt deep rooted the fear in me. How can I ever do it again.
I'm so scared, I'm so scared.

 

[wordsoutb4sumnelsin]

So sorry. Therapist here, and I've always personally and professionally hated how MOST religious homes go. Especially if anyone steps off the condoned path. Usually just MEN needing to run shit. As always tho... Unfortunately sounds like you're one who could at least have POSSIBILITY of not having been born/trapped in the ways it sounds. IDK, best of luck getting out. Stupid old instinct to encourage you to at least TRY life, cuz sounds like THAT escape at least may be worth something before the "final" out. Yeh, wish we could go crowbar you outta their nonsense, let ya experience some people who could just love you. Cuz it IS real. Was lucky to get some, and even here now, kinda trying to GIVE some. But also we're all here for real reasons. It's all real and valid

 

[void_end]

So sorry. Therapist here, and I've always personally and professionally hated how MOST religious homes go. Especially if anyone steps off the condoned path. Usually just MEN needing to run shit. As always tho... Unfortunately sounds like you're one who could at least have POSSIBILITY of not having been born/trapped in the ways it sounds. IDK, best of luck getting out. Stupid old instinct to encourage you to at least TRY life, cuz sounds like THAT escape at least may be worth something before the "final" out. Yeh, wish we could go crowbar you outta their nonsense, let ya experience some people who could just love you. Cuz it IS real. Was lucky to get some, and even here now, kinda trying to GIVE some. But also we're all here for real reasons. It's all real and valid

I wish there is an escape, I don't know if this rooted feeling of wanting to die will evee go away, or if I can ever experience life before I end it. But false hope to such a long way will only break me more when I finally realise there was never an escape. I'm thankful for everything you have said, and I wish this hopeless dream really does work, as funny as it sounds.
I wish we all find something that keeps us hanging onto this endless nightmare