How to mentally prepare for CTB?

[clown_17]

So I've been mentally ill for years despite lots of treatment. Things only get worse, a lot of external factors limit my ability to be happy too. The same story I'm sure you're all tired of hearing.

I recognize on a logical level that suicide is the solution to all my problems. My situation is not solvable and I wouldn't have to suffer and watch life get worse if I was dead. Yet something stops me from dying? It's really quite annoying because I am a self harmer who is able to cut deep (think muscle depth) so I don't think the radial artery would be undoable for me, and I also have a post I believe I could trust to hold my body weight for partial suspension. I have attempted suicide multiple times in the past and it seems I was more brave then. I didn't seem to have any doubts as I did it back then, likely because I was severely depressed. I'm on meds now that have seemed to keep the depression at bay but instead I'm just numb? So maybe quitting the meds is what will help me die?

It seems the biggest issue is finality however. I'll ligature sometimes and before I ever let myself truly pass out I'll get back up and untie it because something about the "this is it" freaks me out? The thought that I'll never do anything else again for the rest of my life. That I'll never do even mundane things. But the issue is I don't even enjoy anything I do? So it's almost like I have this preprogrammed liar in my head tricking me into thinking life isn't as miserable as it is. I think part of the issue is I'm too good at distracting and numbing myself that it's easy to avoid thinking about the hopelessness of it all except for when it's slammed in my face of the consequences of my actions catch up to me.

I feel like I need to get things in order before I can commit to dying, but I'm not sure what that even looks like. I have written a note in case my family is ever looking for closure. But I have almost no imagination and can't think of what else I'm missing.

Any tips you all have had for becoming more suicidal? I know this sounds stupid but believe me, I just keep fucking my life up every day further I live so it would be real nice if I could just get over the hurdle and end it already. It's like I always feel the itch but can never make myself fully commit to the act. Its like I'm waiting for so sort of sign, some permission from the universe that I can die, and it's never coming. It's irritating.

 

[xmissellax]

I really resonate with your post. My recent increase in my SSRI kicked in and now I feel like I don't need to die yet. Quitting an anti depressant cold Turkey usually leads to withdrawal symptoms. So I'm thinking of doing that if situations get rough. But I decided I'm just gonna live the shit out of the rest of my life until I get to that point again then peace out. I have to stick around until the end of this year for a trip to Japan with family, I promised them I'd go and that's one place I always wanted to visit before I die. So whether I CTB after, or months after, or a year or three after, I'm reassured that the option is there and I hopefully have my SN kit ready to go at any point.

 

[clown_17]

I really resonate with your post. My recent increase in my SSRI kicked in and now I feel like I don't need to die yet. Quitting an anti depressant cold Turkey usually leads to withdrawal symptoms. So I'm thinking of doing that if situations get rough. But I decided I'm just gonna live the shit out of the rest of my life until I get to that point again then peace out. I have to stick around until the end of this year for a trip to Japan with family, I promised them I'd go and that's one place I always wanted to visit before I die. So whether I CTB after, or months after, or a year or three after, I'm reassured that the option is there and I hopefully have my SN kit ready to go at any point.

Thank you for replying. I have considered quitting all my meds right away and to use the withdrawal despair to motivate me toward suicide, but I don't want to risk suffering more or acting erratically and embarrassing myself since withdrawal symptoms can cause personality changes and all of that messy stuff. What I have started doing is titrating back off my meds slowly. I'm lowering the dose of my abilify. Once I'm fully off of that I think I'm going to cut my SSRI dose in half. That way the withdrawal is minimized but I can still let the depression dethaw. I will keep my Risperidone because that one helps me think clearly and I want to still be "me" if that makes sense. When I kill myself I want to know I'm making the right choice, the choice I truly desire, and not just a choice due to messed up chemicals from med withdrawal or residual psychosis. So I think just letting that depression come back is the right choice. I really don't want to be a bother for my family but I reckon when I am dead they'll end up reading everything I've posted on my phone and they can begin to piece together why this was the right choice for me.