how to forgive former abuser

[infinitesimal]

my father used to frequently physically and psychologically abuse me. he had a very short temper and would have explosive episodes of anger. would punish me for anything, like not having good enough grades when i was still in honor roll. hed call me very hurtful things as well, and paint me as evil when i was just a child. i was also under close surveillance, and not allowed to do a lot of things children my age did. i wasnt allowed to not be in the same room as him unless i went to the bathroom.

but he has been improving as a parent and as a person as of late. weve been able to talk about normal stuff, and he hasnt gotten mad at me for a while. hes been supporting me while applying to college. he asks me if i want things, and has developed his own sense of humor. hes also expressed regret and remorse for the way hes treated me

i cant grapple with the aftermath of the things that happened though. i dont know if i can separate the kind father i have now from the him who hated me. theres been a lot of damage done to myself i cant seem to undo. i want to forgive but theres this stubborn part of me that thinks he hasnt truly changed

 

[Set Real Goul]

I don't have the best relationship with my father either, and there were quite a lot of hurtful moments...
So, if you haven't tried it, I'd suggest writing down the events that hurt you the most or that still bother you the most, in as much detail as possible, and writing down all your thoughts and feelings about them, either in the form of a diary entry or a letter that you never send
It helped me stop dwelling on things that happened in my childhood. Maybe it'll help you too

 

[bagel12]

it's important to give yourself time to process what happened and how it has affected you (i like journaling, therapy, and art for this purpose). it helps to make connections with other people who can model safe and healthy interpersonal skills--friends, partners, mentors, etc. and it helps to build your own life under your own autonomy, where you feel safe and in control. for me, i need these things in place before i begin the process of forgiveness. but that's just me, you might be different. mostly i'd say that forgiveness isn't like flipping a switch, it's an ongoing process, and it should be self directed (don't forgive just because other people say you should, forgive only if and when you want to).

i am so sorry for what happened to you and i wish you the best in the future

 

[LastNite]

Youre right to believe that he hasnt truly changed. In my own experience, my father also abused me terribly and I hate him for it. It plays a huge part of why I turned out the way I am. I never forgave him for it. He acts all changed, but he's still the same man with the same mindset. He's hateful and violent, but no longer hits me because I am all grown up and can fight back.

If you can guarantee that he has changed then you can start small. You dont have to forgive him for everything.
Forgive him for events that haven't impacted you much. You can worry about the heavier events later on.

Maybe I'm just paranoid, but I would sniff out if theres any reason to why hes acting better than before.
My dad is manipulative, he acts nice and caring when he needs something from someone. Thats why I dont trust terrible people who say theyve changed for better.

 

[MapleS]

Wanna know the answear too... Especially cause I will be bound to them my whole life, I am and will be dependant on tmen my whole life cause I'm disabled