I'm probably the biggest coward u ever met, i could never do anything in life, but I need to end it soon. Method is train, alternatively jump but i have no place to jump from.
I'm in physical agony every day and i'm getting worse every day, it will never stop or get better, there is no hope for me to get anywhere. So I only stay alive to suffer another day and lose my mind more. My mind is close to breaking. I might also die from my illnesses but I can't count on that and i don't really want to experience that.
But, nothing changes. I didn't make any progress towards my suicide since like a decade when i theorized about it and decided on it, more or less. I never even attempted. Well, I can't really attempt, for me, there is probably only one chance to make this work.
I'm a benzo addict and have probably 10 different drugs that are supposed to calm you down, but I'm still so scared I can't think straight, or do anything really. And this is always getting worse, not better.
It's not a case of 'not being ready', i will never be ready. It's something that's changed from choice to necessity a long time ago. For months I've been suffering needlessly making 0 progress.
There is nothing to wait for, in my future the only things that will happen are homelessness, drug withdrawal, dying from illness, prison, hospital, mental ward. I already stopped doing anything practically, gave up on the few things I had, and don't even want to think about my past since it's too painful.
I can't keep suffering anymore cause I'm gonna lose control of my actions, sometimes I feel like i'm going to have a mental breakdown, sometimes i can't stop thinking about jumping from my window, but i live on 4th floor and i will end up disabled. Or I will end up doing something to hurt my family that I hate and end up in prison.
I'm in physical agony every day and i'm getting worse every day, it will never stop or get better, there is no hope for me to get anywhere. So I only stay alive to suffer another day and lose my mind more. My mind is close to breaking. I might also die from my illnesses but I can't count on that and i don't really want to experience that.
But, nothing changes. I didn't make any progress towards my suicide since like a decade when i theorized about it and decided on it, more or less. I never even attempted. Well, I can't really attempt, for me, there is probably only one chance to make this work.
I'm a benzo addict and have probably 10 different drugs that are supposed to calm you down, but I'm still so scared I can't think straight, or do anything really. And this is always getting worse, not better.
It's not a case of 'not being ready', i will never be ready. It's something that's changed from choice to necessity a long time ago. For months I've been suffering needlessly making 0 progress.
There is nothing to wait for, in my future the only things that will happen are homelessness, drug withdrawal, dying from illness, prison, hospital, mental ward. I already stopped doing anything practically, gave up on the few things I had, and don't even want to think about my past since it's too painful.
I can't keep suffering anymore cause I'm gonna lose control of my actions, sometimes I feel like i'm going to have a mental breakdown, sometimes i can't stop thinking about jumping from my window, but i live on 4th floor and i will end up disabled. Or I will end up doing something to hurt my family that I hate and end up in prison.
