I figured it out finally!!
It's been a few years now since my most recent attempt failed. However, that entire day is a complete blank. Don't recall leaving my house or shaving my head. There's the vaguest recollection of kneeling on my parent's living room carpet, with a bottle of Gin in hand and a pile of pills in front of me.
I have come to describe the place I was in at the time as "the black pit of despair". Somewhere where there's no room for any of life's trappings or the people you know only too well, care about you or those niggling doubts often described as the survival instinct.
Having spoken with others and heard accounts of a similar notion, I came to realise that this is essentially a disassociative episode.
Thus it's my belief that setting a date is a mistake. While it's important to be prepared and "ready to go", everything will come together when the time is just right. It's not just another freaky me thing that I justify by attributing to everyone.
Not the most academic of articles, yet a confirmation of what I'm trying to explain.
If your loved one could reach you now, these are some of the things they would want you to know.
www.healthline.com