Help How to break the cycle

[willitpass]

I've been stuck in this cycle for almost my whole life. I know what the cycle is, what it feels like, I can see it coming, I know the drill. I've been there done that probably thousands of times. I try and do better, I feel uncomfortable feeling comfortable, I have urges to self-sabotage, I fight the urges, the urges get stronger, i self-sabotage, then because I've self-sabotaged I've decided it's not worth it to keep trying because I already ruined it and I quit. I simply can't figure out how to break the cycle despite knowing exactly how it will go down.

I've been in therapy for over a decade before recently quitting, I've tried every type of therapy. I have no interest in going back. I've tried every med. I had ECT. I've been inpatient for a cumulative of 2 years in my life. You name it I've tried it. And it never worked. So this time I have decided my best chance is self-recovery. I bought books, guided journals, some worksheets, and I've decided I'm doing it. I'm on a healthy diet, I've started working to fix my sleep habits, I've started to make minor changes to better myself. But the cycle is starting to repeat itself.

I've been doing all of these things for only a few days. I know it's going to take a long time to truly break the cycle, but I've already fallen back. Last night I decided to self-harm by excessive water consumption as I already run on the lower end of sodium levels and don't eat much sodium so drinking a lot of water can cause some hyponatremia. I knew that it was a bad decision before I even did it, but I did it anyway. I chugged so much water it was hard to even stand up it hurt so bad. Now it's morning and I've been refusing myself anything to consume other than water. I don't feel good, but I can't seem to bring myself to eat despite the hunger pangs. I know it's a simple solution: stop self harming when I feel like self harming. But I can't seem to get over these mental hurdles. I'm at a loss. I've known about these cycles for years but nothing I've tried seems to have been enough to break them. I don't know how to break this cycle but this cycle is what's keeping me sick.

 

[LocalAngel]

Feel free to message. I'm very much stuck in the same pit, but, at least we can talk about it. Solidarity in mutual self destruction. I've done much of the same kind of tactics. Chugging water, eating too much, regular self harm, throwing up... and then there's the emotional self harm, but i won't get into that here.

 

[catnowmeowmeow]

Hang in there and take it a day at a time