Venting How to amplify suicide thought?

[ifckinhatelife]

I know it's gonna sound lazy. A few days ago, I finally got a full-time kitchen job. After being unemployed for ~1 year. At first, I actually expected how tiring it would be already. I thought "I can keep going as long as I keep hating life". Because that would be lowering my expectation, and it wouldn't feel like better position >> worse position. Turns out I was wrong. I quit after 1 day. And it's not mainly because of how hard the job was or about that specific position.

When I was in the middle of my shift, the suicide thought suddenly kicked in hard. I was thinking "I can't keep up with this way of life. Spending hours doing things I don't enjoy." It felt unbearable. I was picturing myself losing consciousness after drinking SN on my bed and that seemed a really bright and quick way out. At that time, I don't even care about whether the salary is worth it or not, I had really strong courage to commit and I didn't feel afraid at all. After going home, I ordered SN and now it's being shipped.

But now, I don't have that same courage anymore. And at the same time, I really don't wanna go back to that path or live. So I'm in the middle right now. I can't recreate that strong feeling, but I do remember. There's no way I'm gonna go back to work just to get that courage.

So as written on the title, if anyone has an idea, please tell. And feel free to share if you have similar experience too.

 

[Lost in a Dream]

I don't have a good answer to your problem unfortunately. I've dissolved SN in a glass and had it almost to my lips once but still couldn't drink it. I've had a noose around my neck more than once and still couldn't kick the ladder over so I don't fully understand 100% why I haven't been able to kill myself, despite how close I've been. At the moment my desire to die is much less than it was, partly because I'm still enjoying my addictions, particularly video games and alcohol.

I've had days at work that were so bad I wanted to kill myself while still there, but I've also had days that went so good I genuinely enjoyed working. That has been the case across multiple jobs. I do know that I will kill myself some day, but I don't entirely know when. I suppose when the time is right, I'll just know and be at peace with my decision. I certainly hope it can work that way.

 

[ifckinhatelife]

I don't have a good answer to your problem unfortunately. I've dissolved SN in a glass and had it almost to my lips once but still couldn't drink it. I've had a noose around my neck more than once and still couldn't kick the ladder over so I don't fully understand 100% why I haven't been able to kill myself, despite how close I've been. At the moment my desire to die is much less than it was, partly because I'm still enjoying my addictions, particularly video games and alcohol.

I've had days at work that were so bad I wanted to kill myself while still there, but I've also had days that went so good I genuinely enjoyed working. That has been the case across multiple jobs. I do know that I will kill myself some day, but I don't entirely know when. I suppose when the time is right, I'll just know and be at peace with my decision. I certainly hope it can work that way.

Thanks for sharing. Yeah I think it's probably not something we can force easily. From your story, I can also see that committing can't be always as spontaneous as we plan. The thing is, I genuinely don't wanna continue living. But at the same time, I don't really dare to touch that only way out yet.