Im 20. Deppression and suicidal ideation started when I was like maybe 5ish? From shitty parents, to not performing well in school and being put into special ed during elementary and middle school because of a seizure and that i could be ADHD(never been medicated) and feeling pretty isolated. Got out of special ed in highschool, but didnt try in highschool because of shitty parents and household. COVID hit and forced to quarantine with my parents and older sister and my life goes downhill immediately, i start developing a severe porn addiction which made me emasculate myself 24/7. Go to community college and learn that I have high cholesterol on top of asthma, making it feel like my adulthood is gonna be plagued with health issues. My sister gets raped aswell as almost dying from anaphilatic shock and mentally scars her, she at first tried to hide it from my parents and only confided in me, but then she told our mom and my life gets even more downhill as my sister fights with my parents almost everyday while im stuck there to break it up. Go to India to visit our grandparents and my mom and dad gets into a massive fight between my aunt and grandma from my moms side which destroyed what was once a good and understanding relationship(I had to break that up aswell). Come back and Im forced to basically be a shrink for my sister, my dad constantly asks me if I loved him and whatever secrets my sister is hiding and why "she is so insane and crazy"(he doesent know that she was raped). Was going to join the military but my mom threatened me with suicide if i followed through. In the end i feel trapped by my own hypocritical sense of morals. The only SH is just me hitting myself on the head. Ive developed weird chest aches and rapid heart beats and im not sure if its anxiety or the cholesterol. Seeing a shrink made it worse because I opened up about my problems and was still in the same shitty situation, so im trying to become numb again. 90% of my life was living with my parents and the last 10% where I thought I could be free, i get slapped with more health issues and covid. So ive given up and close to flunking out of community college. I hope I dont become a NEET and just CTB.