I have a different mindset than many people here in this forum. But I just want to speak about my own case. My parents truely ruined my life but they also truely love me. My parents might die if I kill myself. However, this is not the main reason I don't do it now. It is rather a strategical consideration. I am heavily dependent on my parents. Financiallly, household everything. My mom had two strokes recently. She might won't survive another one or way worse she might become severely disabled when she learns about my suicide (attempt). My personal horror scenario is I survive my suicide attempt and my parents die or become disabled. This is basically what keeps me alive currently. I might wait for it until they retire if I am able to stomach the pain until then. But I increasingly have the feeling I am reaching my pain limit.
When I was acute suicidal my best friends who knew about my plans were very concerned and begged me to go to a clinic. They also would visit me and stuff like that. They don't want to lose a good friend like me. The message really touched me and I had to cry a lot. Since this incident I feel more uncomfortable to share my plans with my friends. They felt very stressed.
As much I love my friends and as much as this nightmare scenario with my parents makes me hellish anxious. I have the feeling I cannot stomach much more. When I told my dad I considered to kill myself because of college he told me I should rather quit college before I kill myself because of it. And I really appreciated this comment. This was exactly the comment I had waited for. I don't want to quit college now but I really don't need more pressure. But he also said my suicide would ruin our family. He is right about that but I disliked giving my a guilty conscience.
Here in this forum some people don't see suicide as a last resort option. I see my suicide as last resort. I see there is some value in life the moment you were born. I would not procreate but I am certainly no promortalist. Suicide for me comes a long with many fears and it is a living hell. Despite all of that. I would live a mediocre life. But my life is not mediocre at all. My life quality is a joke and the prospect of my future is terrible.
There are some people who don't speak with anyone before their suicide about their plans. Not a few do this. This is not my approach. I have tried over 25 different medication. I have been through 3 psychotherapies and I had 5 clinic stays and soon I will probably add my sixth. It is kind of cool that I live in a country where most of these treatments are completely free. And I feel like I should appreciate that I was born in such a rich country and see it as some sort of privilege. But I am more and more at the end of the rope. Despite the fact hanging won't be my method. I told me friends it does not matter when I kill myself they have to endure it one day eventually anyway. My friends told me they could cope better with my suicide if I had been through more therapy. But I think their main concern was that soon after ordering my SN I was pretty impulsive and already planned to take it shortly afterwards. I think their concern was my impulsivity might be irrational. I also feel like with SN at home I won't survive major life crises anymore. I think my impulsivity could beat my SI. But there is this 8 hour fasting period which makes it more difficult.
I think I have tried enough. But maybe I should wait till poverty hits. There are still some things I can enjoy. The current consideration is either to kill myself now or to take a break from college. The clinic stay could temporarily increase my life quality. And there are still some David Foster Wallace stories I would like to finish before I kill myself.
Can you relate with such questions? The question: When have you done enough to prevent the mental agony of your loved ones? I have a guilty conscience for ruining other peoples lives. Especially the lives of my innocent friends. I once met a guy in a clinic. He was really weird. He told everyone he wants to become chancellor of Germany and emphasized this is not a joke. This guy was pretty much of a complete wreck. (similar to me). He told me it started with the suicide of his girlfriend I think when he was 20. This dude became sort of insane because of it. However, I also met people who coped with such a loss better. It might be Russian roulette. I don't know.
When I was acute suicidal my best friends who knew about my plans were very concerned and begged me to go to a clinic. They also would visit me and stuff like that. They don't want to lose a good friend like me. The message really touched me and I had to cry a lot. Since this incident I feel more uncomfortable to share my plans with my friends. They felt very stressed.
As much I love my friends and as much as this nightmare scenario with my parents makes me hellish anxious. I have the feeling I cannot stomach much more. When I told my dad I considered to kill myself because of college he told me I should rather quit college before I kill myself because of it. And I really appreciated this comment. This was exactly the comment I had waited for. I don't want to quit college now but I really don't need more pressure. But he also said my suicide would ruin our family. He is right about that but I disliked giving my a guilty conscience.
Here in this forum some people don't see suicide as a last resort option. I see my suicide as last resort. I see there is some value in life the moment you were born. I would not procreate but I am certainly no promortalist. Suicide for me comes a long with many fears and it is a living hell. Despite all of that. I would live a mediocre life. But my life is not mediocre at all. My life quality is a joke and the prospect of my future is terrible.
There are some people who don't speak with anyone before their suicide about their plans. Not a few do this. This is not my approach. I have tried over 25 different medication. I have been through 3 psychotherapies and I had 5 clinic stays and soon I will probably add my sixth. It is kind of cool that I live in a country where most of these treatments are completely free. And I feel like I should appreciate that I was born in such a rich country and see it as some sort of privilege. But I am more and more at the end of the rope. Despite the fact hanging won't be my method. I told me friends it does not matter when I kill myself they have to endure it one day eventually anyway. My friends told me they could cope better with my suicide if I had been through more therapy. But I think their main concern was that soon after ordering my SN I was pretty impulsive and already planned to take it shortly afterwards. I think their concern was my impulsivity might be irrational. I also feel like with SN at home I won't survive major life crises anymore. I think my impulsivity could beat my SI. But there is this 8 hour fasting period which makes it more difficult.
I think I have tried enough. But maybe I should wait till poverty hits. There are still some things I can enjoy. The current consideration is either to kill myself now or to take a break from college. The clinic stay could temporarily increase my life quality. And there are still some David Foster Wallace stories I would like to finish before I kill myself.
Can you relate with such questions? The question: When have you done enough to prevent the mental agony of your loved ones? I have a guilty conscience for ruining other peoples lives. Especially the lives of my innocent friends. I once met a guy in a clinic. He was really weird. He told everyone he wants to become chancellor of Germany and emphasized this is not a joke. This guy was pretty much of a complete wreck. (similar to me). He told me it started with the suicide of his girlfriend I think when he was 20. This dude became sort of insane because of it. However, I also met people who coped with such a loss better. It might be Russian roulette. I don't know.
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