I don't really have any true friends. The closest to true friends that I have are my dad and a user on this site who I pm from time to time. There is that old dude who I texts me on a near daily basis, but my feelings for him are a bit complicated (I'm both very attached to him but I also sometimes have the urge to push him away) and he seems to view me more like a thing than a person, tbh. There is a dude who I message who I consider a "friend with benefits"(except I've never had sex with him before. I've only sent nudes to him and video called him and when he wants me to) but he's more of an aquintance. The other dude who I message does have casual conversations with me from time to time, but he also views me as a toy (which I don't mind).
I'm fine with not having any friends. I actually cut off the only person who I still considered to be a true friend to me back in grade 11, just when lockdown was starting. I find friendships to be exhausting. I always end up becoming paranoid about whether or not my friends actually like me or if they are just hanging out with me out of pity and secretly find me annoying. I'm always convinced that they will at some point start trying to cut me out of their lives. I remember when my two friends, who I met in grade 7, starting hanging out with their new friends in high school. Seeing them hang out with them and not me, especially when waiting for the bus and train while going home, just broke something in me every single time. Eventually I just gave up on our friendship and I cut them out of my life around the beginning of grade 11. I was already trying to push them away a year prior. Best decision I ever made.
I don't want friends, especially irl friends. My mom thinks that there is something wrong with me because I don't want friends and claims that "everyone has friends" and that "everyone wants friends". It annoys the shit out of me.
