LonelyKitten
Seeking one final escape
- Aug 13, 2023
- 284
My age affects me in a perhaps unusual manner.
There is of course, the obvious, the universal - losing your youth.
This makes me desire to, if nothing else, if everything sucks and there is nothing I can do no more, at least go down young, sweet and pretty still.
As a kid, I simply didn't want to live through an entire life of nothing but horror, so before I got my miracle escape when I was 18, I just wanted to die asap, pretty much.
In my case though, additionally I am someone who is heavily disadvantaged in life, by various factors (immigration, being trans, lack of family support, female, not of the ethnicity of my birth country, etc.) that the people I tend to meet don't have to deal with, at least not in full combination with each other.
By god's grace, there do exist beautiful, generous services in this world, that support people like me.
Usually, it's inofficial, community organizations, and they are RARE.
However, what makes them even MORE scarce is that they often have age limitations.
I am now 25. Most services for marginalized folks are 18 - 24.
Because of these limitations, I have felt an IMMENSE amount of time pressure throughout most of my years.
Too much, I'll reckon - it was damn distracting...
I engaged with one service in particular, in my favorite city, oh, what was my new home... a lot, during those years.
They helped me so much. I miss them. I love them. I feel so bad I wasted their help, their opportunity. No!
I cry at the amount of support I missed out on, that I REALLY, REALLY needed, by not knowing about it in time, or not realizing truthfully the urgency of the moments I had available to me to make a change.
I strongly believe I am a person that is smart and capable, that has potential, that can learn well and contribute.
But the older I get, the more the clock ticks, the less and less I could possibly even attempt to, have the bare minimum chance and opportunity, to do *anything*, as the doors close and close, while I sit there, languishing, not even home anymore to receive any of this vanishing help.
Independence, genuinely helping others, social inclusion... that is all becoming but a distant dream.
There is of course, the obvious, the universal - losing your youth.
This makes me desire to, if nothing else, if everything sucks and there is nothing I can do no more, at least go down young, sweet and pretty still.
As a kid, I simply didn't want to live through an entire life of nothing but horror, so before I got my miracle escape when I was 18, I just wanted to die asap, pretty much.
In my case though, additionally I am someone who is heavily disadvantaged in life, by various factors (immigration, being trans, lack of family support, female, not of the ethnicity of my birth country, etc.) that the people I tend to meet don't have to deal with, at least not in full combination with each other.
By god's grace, there do exist beautiful, generous services in this world, that support people like me.
Usually, it's inofficial, community organizations, and they are RARE.
However, what makes them even MORE scarce is that they often have age limitations.
I am now 25. Most services for marginalized folks are 18 - 24.
Because of these limitations, I have felt an IMMENSE amount of time pressure throughout most of my years.
Too much, I'll reckon - it was damn distracting...
I engaged with one service in particular, in my favorite city, oh, what was my new home... a lot, during those years.
They helped me so much. I miss them. I love them. I feel so bad I wasted their help, their opportunity. No!
I cry at the amount of support I missed out on, that I REALLY, REALLY needed, by not knowing about it in time, or not realizing truthfully the urgency of the moments I had available to me to make a change.
I strongly believe I am a person that is smart and capable, that has potential, that can learn well and contribute.
But the older I get, the more the clock ticks, the less and less I could possibly even attempt to, have the bare minimum chance and opportunity, to do *anything*, as the doors close and close, while I sit there, languishing, not even home anymore to receive any of this vanishing help.
Independence, genuinely helping others, social inclusion... that is all becoming but a distant dream.
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