As long as you're breathing part of you is 'trying'. Rationally, I know I have felt intensely lonely and unhappy my entire life and it will not get better. Life is usually pretty fucking predictable. My choice is either to accept - drugs, meditation whatever, or commit suicide. Since I will end up dead anyway (that's life for you), and since I have no children, no useful vocation or talents, and generally have contributed absolutely no real use or pleasure to society or the people around me, dying sooner rather than later is the better choice. I don't LIKE it , but the other side is treating death as this unthinkable thing, when it is really the one we've all got to put up with sooner or later.
I like people, I like life. Don't regret being born, don't see the point in wailing about suffering when it all ends anyway. You don't lose anything by having lived. It ends.
But I've felt sweetness, I've felt love and I don't want to carry on after the best bits over. I know I don't feel like normal people do, they can't understand that, understand really what it is like to live in a world where you just aren't attached to anyone. It's in me. I could get away from bad people, take medication and exercise for no energy, the possibility of finding a job, but the feeling thing, it is in me, no matter how good someone is to me, I can't make them mean anything to me at all, I can't make myself think or care about them or treat them as anything other than, sounds, sounds and sources of distraction and drugs and amusement and validation. But I remember what it felt like. I think I could be happy if I didn't remember what it felt like, when my world was not just me and I didn't feel alone. And its been almost 3 years, I can't accept. I don't want to.
Hope kills the soul. But I think I am approaching acceptance. I am at school- failing this year absolutely, so I have to repeat it, that's 3 and a half more years, just under that, where I will have a place to live. And my dad is alive still. 2 very fragile things, home, parent. The structure and routine is something, but fighting alone, in the world, no, I don't feel like it. There's no warmth to make it worth it. My dad lives in a country that is far and I do not like it or write the language. So i will be roomless, have to eke out a living, and I don't feel like it. I'd pull a Bartleby, but passive rejection doesn't work. If they physically kick you out onto the street, you might think, hmm, I'll just lie on this pavement. But people would make threats, there would be the cold, hunger. You'd give in and start looking for shelter. Start trying to live, because there's no practical alternative, because your body does it by default. And you could go on decades like this. Living, because its what the body does. Scraping by.. no, I can't do it past graduation. Hold your nose, don't think about it, just get on with it.
Life has never surprised me, so I want to take it by surprise. Do the scary unthinkable thing for once. I was the only kid who was too pussy to hang upside down from the monkey bars...
Fixated, I like commitment, I have to do it, I had to promise myself to do it because I can't live without some kind of commitment. And me such an unstructured person. I need something to hold onto, and I just can't commit to life. I have to pick one, I can't go hmm we'll see, can't set myself up for being broken again, I need certainty, and life, there is such an unimaginably deep sea of pain, so many dreadful things that can happen, that I just couldn't think of living without that escape, but then for me it's impossible to live without that shadow.. everything is all or nothing. I have to take it. Make a promise wedding vow style. I need something to look forward to, I need the certainty of no more hurt, it's worth the tiny chance of 'things could get better'
But no, I'm not the lucky one, never won so much as a raffle my whole life.
I think it is better to embrace and accept. Last failed attempt 16 months ago- last feeling was - surprise, disappointment - is this it? And it was so close. So at least I can do a little better. More finality, I don't know what yet.
