Discussion How many of you are trying to die vs trying to live?

[Nexey]

I'm just vibing.

After nearly a decade of prescription drug use, I don't really feel emotions as strongly as I used to. I'm not suicidal or happy. I'm just here.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I feel as if I were playing for both teams.
One month ago, I was trying to die. Now, I'm trying (and doing my best) to live.

This is so hard. The thing is, I'm sure this will be the last chance I will give to life.

Sometimes I think the tug of war we deal with sometimes just makes me more suicidal, even when feeling like I want to live. Its hard.

I'm just vibing.

After nearly a decade of prescription drug use, I don't really feel emotions as strongly as I used to. I'm not suicidal or happy. I'm just here.

I dont know if that scares me or not... I just started seeing a therapist and medication came up right away because of how serious I sounded I guess... I'm not personally against it but I am worried...

 

[Nexey]

I dont know if that scares me or not... I just started seeing a therapist and medication came up right away because of how serious I sounded I guess... I'm not personally against it but I am worried...

Well, it took me several years to get to this point. Just make sure to do your due diligence and research the meds you're about to take. Doctors are really bad at warning you about side effects.

As for whether it's bad or not to be this way, well. I would honestly say the exchange is worth it. Being tempered down overall feels a lot better to me than having to deal with panic attacks on a near daily basis.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

Well, it took me several years to get to this point. Just make sure to do your due diligence and research the meds you're about to take. Doctors are really bad at warning you about side effects.

As for whether it's bad or not to be this way, well. I would honestly say the exchange is worth it. Being tempered down overall feels a lot better to me than having to deal with panic attacks on a near daily basis.

well that does sound more positive. I'm glad you feel better about it. =) honestly all that research and stuff just overwhelms me. There's too many things to look at and worry about and I shut down when I even attempt things like that. I should probably just quit therapy tbh I dont think it can help and its not like i can have a serious conversation with them about how I feel. I dont even believe I can get better. We'll see what happens I guess. Since I've really been feeling I just need to do it this week. I could find time.

 

[Nicothe13th]

I'm ready to go, parents burnt out my barbecues tho so I gotta wait a few long days to get some more.

I'd go tonight if I had them, no doubt about it.

 

[Fthis]

I'm in the process of getting SN. My will to life is completely gone and I'm spending my energy of looking for opportunities to end it all.

 

[Nicothe13th]

I'm just looking forward to being the only loner in the town when lockdown lifts.

Anxiety is beautiful.

 

[Nexey]

well that does sound more positive. I'm glad you feel better about it. =) honestly all that research and stuff just overwhelms me. There's too many things to look at and worry about and I shut down when I even attempt things like that. I should probably just quit therapy tbh I dont think it can help and its not like i can have a serious conversation with them about how I feel. I dont even believe I can get better. We'll see what happens I guess. Since I've really been feeling I just need to do it this week. I could find time.

When I say research, I mean more like Googling the medicine name and skimming though the first couple of links. I'm sure you're already aware of more serious side effects like PSSD since it gets talked about to death on here. Obv PSSD is something to be aware of but it's not actually that common. Hence why SSRIs haven't been pulled off the market yet.

 

[Nicothe13th]

Yeah fuck meds, was on fluoxetine and felt grim - no ups, still downs and literally no personality at all.

 

[Fizz]

I want to live. I want to be happy and dance and sing and work without my head telling me 1000 times a day I should kill myself.

I tried to ctb last year and was intervened. I wanted to go because I was deteriorating and wanted to be remembered well. My fear came true, despite asking for help there's none. I'm seeing psychs but my friends have out distance in so I don't talk about it anymore. The way it's going I doubt if I'll be remembered at all. I just want to die in peace without having lost everything. There's no coming back.

 

[Nicothe13th]

So sorry Fizz. I feel this too tho

 

[aneurysm]

as of right now, I'm trying to live.

wishing the best to everyone.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I'm ready to go, parents burnt out my barbecues tho so I gotta wait a few long days to get some more.

I'd go tonight if I had them, no doubt about it.

I'm sorry to hear that. Good luck with whatever you end up doing. =)

I'm in the process of getting SN. My will to life is completely gone and I'm spending my energy of looking for opportunities to end it all.

Thats what I did. Just got the anti ems. Now I just need the stomach acid stuff and I'm set

When I say research, I mean more like Googling the medicine name and skimming though the first couple of links. I'm sure you're already aware of more serious side effects like PSSD since it gets talked about to death on here. Obv PSSD is something to be aware of but it's not actually that common. Hence why SSRIs haven't been pulled off the market yet.

Honestly, I'm not really aware of anything. Its sad really. I know some meds can increase your motivation but not your feelings, so you have the will to commit suicide on them. Hence "suicide" being listed as a side effect. I know some meds make you gain weight. Or emotionally numb. I've only had one psychiatry Appt, my next one is tomorrow. I'm not really looking forward to it...

But I think I'm too lazy/done with life to look up side effects. Maybe ill search PSSD if its in this site. I got all my materials last weekend...so I just need to do it at this point.

Yeah fuck meds, was on fluoxetine and felt grim - no ups, still downs and literally no personality at all.

Ha. Sounds like how I already am without the meds.

I want to live. I want to be happy and dance and sing and work without my head telling me 1000 times a day I should kill myself.

I tried to ctb last year and was intervened. I wanted to go because I was deteriorating and wanted to be remembered well. My fear came true, despite asking for help there's none. I'm seeing psychs but my friends have out distance in so I don't talk about it anymore. The way it's going I doubt if I'll be remembered at all. I just want to die in peace without having lost everything. There's no coming back.

I'm sorry it's like that. Its a brutal reality... life is the worst...

as of right now, I'm trying to live.

wishing the best to everyone.

Thank you. =) I hope you're able to succeed as well. <3

 

[wishicouldgoback]

I'm at the edge of life. It's so hard to leave, but almost impossible for me to stay at this point.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I'm at the edge of life. It's so hard to leave, but almost impossible for me to stay at this point.

I understand how you feel. Its the worst...

 

[Natty]

I've tried to live but there is quite literally nothing more I can do at this point. When I wake up and ask myself what I could do to make things better the only answer I have is to CTB.

My circumstances right now can't allow for me to get a second chance, and the things is, I really don't want one.

 

[LunarPyotr]

I'm trying to survive as long as possible.
Since I prefer doing the things my own way or better saying I'm doing self treatment and obtaining my stuff the "non-official" way, I don't need to worry of being locked away if I have a "difficult" day (or even week).
I understand that some would say that doing the thing the proper way, would be way better for me but I would probably never fully open to a therapist since I have massive trust issues when it comes to speaking to people in RL about my problems.

 

[WhatDoesTheFoxSay?]

Depression from chronic pain has rewired my brain and stripped me of my emotions. I am apathetic towards life and barely anything has a wow factor anymore. I feel like a soul stuck in limbo—not dead yet but not quite alive, belonging neither here nor there, nor anywhere. So far I have had no luck rekindling the flames that have been snuffed out. I am just keeping myself together for the sake of my loved ones, but even that is becoming less and less of a reason to stay. With each passing day I feel that I am only postponing the inevitable.

 

[TooConscious]

I'm waiting till things get really ugly.
The pandemic has actually been a relief for me.
I could go tomorrow or maybe even do till the end of the year. I've said this the last few years though so it's becoming 'groundhog year'

I will only stick around longer than this year if things get interesting like aliens arrive or the start of mad max is visible, but in the end.... No matter what world I'm in whatever shape, dimension, species I take, existence is the enemy.
Why does there have to be something instead of nothing.
The words people say are 'childish' etc and other demeaning words but why does one choose existing over not existing, on a cosmos scale.
The universe might be beautiful but it's horrifying and you be all jolly and say "well you need to suffer to feel ecstasy" those people tend to be the first to cry when things get tough.


Watched a movie called Synchronic the other day and it had it down perfectly how very few die instantly the two main characters are paramedics and they're discussing how they view life. And one says how nearly everyone has to have a vice, something they know is destroying them slowly. Uh me typing does it no justice really great trippy movie about a new synthetic drug and the universe/existence.

 

[Callie Arcale]

I am trying to live, although I am not very good at it. After my first (and only) attempt, I realized I could not take my own life. So now I live this half-life, like a ghost, neither here nor there, neither dead nor alive.

 

[nohopeforethefuture]

I'm trying to survive as long as possible.
Since I prefer doing the things my own way or better saying I'm doing self treatment and obtaining my stuff the "non-official" way, I don't need to worry of being locked away if I have a "difficult" day (or even week).
I understand that some would say that doing the thing the proper way, would be way better for me but I would probably never fully open to a therapist since I have massive trust issues when it comes to speaking to people in RL about my problems.

I think thats perfectly okay. I think we have too many rules and laws as it is...

I'm waiting till things get really ugly.
The pandemic has actually been a relief for me.
I could go tomorrow or maybe even do till the end of the year. I've said this the last few years though so it's becoming 'groundhog year'

I will only stick around longer than this year if things get interesting like aliens arrive or the start of mad max is visible, but in the end.... No matter what world I'm in whatever shape, dimension, species I take, existence is the enemy.
Why does there have to be something instead of nothing.
The words people say are 'childish' etc and other demeaning words but why does one choose existing over not existing, on a cosmos scale.
The universe might be beautiful but it's horrifying and you be all jolly and say "well you need to suffer to feel ecstasy" those people tend to be the first to cry when things get tough.


Watched a movie called Synchronic the other day and it had it down perfectly how very few die instantly the two main characters are paramedics and they're discussing how they view life. And one says how nearly everyone has to have a vice, something they know is destroying them slowly. Uh me typing does it no justice really great trippy movie about a new synthetic drug and the universe/existence.

I honestly believe that you dont need to suffer to experience happiness. I enjoyed my good things before I suffered. That didn't make anything better.

And that sounds like an interesting movie. I like philosophical movies like that.

 

[motel rooms]

I'm just biding my time

 

[Tortured_empath]

I'm trying to live. But sometimes I'm not too sure anymore. Dying takes some effort too, but I'm trying to live. I don't want to die.

 

[FuneralCry]

I want to be free from the burden of existence. However I am too scared to ctb. My ideal situation would be to completely disappear.

 

[Aelana]

I'm in the process of preparing for my death. I would really love to live life and experience it from an average persons perspective, but that just isn't possible due to being chronically ill. It is what it is I guess... maybe someday I'll be reborn.... just.. hopefully not as a human or anything in this universe really. We'll see. I will never find out anyway because this current consciousness will cease to exist. Perhaps I was something before I was born into this body, but I will never know. :)

 

[Celerity]

Both, tbh. I would like to say I'm open-minded, but I'm just weak.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Part of me wants to live for several very important reasons. But the other more worn out part of me is just exhausted both mentally and physically. Been in despair for a bit over a year now and quite frankly, it is almost starting to outweigh even the reasons above.

 

[wanttodie]

I'm trying to die i don't want to live

 

[rotten]

I would like to try and live. I wanna be with my bf and feel loved and travel places. But my own brain gets in the way of that everyday. These days it seems less and less likely that I'll be able to have all that. It's hard to accept it but I'm really going downhill.

 

[FarAcrossTheWater]

The only reason why I'm around is so I can ensure a swift, peaceful, and painless death.