I'm too cowardly to go through the actual process of dying. I've never died before so I don't know what it would be like and that terrifies me. I'm afraid it will hurt and that as I'm dying that I'll regret it. I refuse to use SN because I know I would freak out if I saw my fingers turning blue. If there was a method that was instant, painless and peaceful, I would jump on it.
I was raised religious and even though I'm nowhere near spiritual these days, I suppose remnants of my upbringing still cling to my psyche because a part of me is afraid of the nothingness that comes after. Whenever I think about it, I burst into tears like a child and crave comfort. I know life is only going to get worse for me so it's a matter of what I'm afraid of more.