Venting how long would it take me to finally move on? i miss my first love

[Toothless Bunny]

it has been days since school ended and i'm feeling miserable
for context , i fell in love with someone whom i considered a good friend and was one of the first ppl to ever treat me well. i never thought that i would fall in love my whole life and i avoided everything about this topic cz i had to deal with so many bs but that didn't last cause when i was 17 closer to 18 i realized that i fell in love with my friend , i was considered an adult and i knew this isn't going to end well
so instead of dealing with my first heartbreak at the age of 13 or 14 , i am now a young adult with too many shit to handle and a severely broken heart
i was left with trauma and lost all the confidance that took me 2years to built , i couldn't blame him after all but the way he became distant was the breaking point esp with all of my friends blaming me for being an atheist and a lesbian ( m still confused about my sexuality) they also say that my bad habits (such as smoking) are very unattractive and he as a man wouldn't date what is considered a slut, i tried to deny this but him asking me to go to a quite café where no one would see us turned me into a suicidal person again , even tho ppl said he def likes me , he never said that to me or to anyone personally and since school ended he never texted me
it has been a year since i fell in love with him and i still can't move on , all of my dates have failed miserably and hooking up became a lifestyle ( i always cancel before doing any act cause he is always on my mind)
will i ever move on? i hate it , i hate myself and my stupid habits all i need is just hugging him

 

[bunnyhugs]

Ugh, sounds like there's a lot of complex stuff going on for you here. I'm sorry. It's so hard to get over something that didn't really fully happen.

Different situation, but it took me 2 full years and another relationship to ENTIRELY over my first love after he broke up with me.

I won't lie though - the thing that helped the most was him coming back to me a year and a half later and begging to get back together. I turned him down.

Don't rush. It's okay to feel heartbreak for a really, really long time. It'll be fucking miserable. But it ALWAYS gets better.

 

[J&L383]

In some ways you never really get over it. You can't erase memories (were it so easy!) so it becomes part of your psyche. But it will/should slowly fade into the background. Everyone is different so be patient and allow yourself to feel everything you need to.