Discussion How Long Have You Been Suicidal?

[voyager]

I have this memory from my childhood, around 8 or 9, bawling "how I couldn't and didn't want to do this anymore", but really I was just repeating after my mum from an incident I had witnessed. It wasn't serious. Truth is my life was great till 16, and I enjoyed it. Then I got my mhi. My behaviour and attitude changed within a week or two. My mental capabilities declined, and after a few months I realised this was serious and became suicidal. Came close to ending it a few years later, but the thyroid medications helped me find some balance. Never regained what I had before 16 though, and that's 26 years now. Feels like two different lives at times.

As for the vacuum, we've probably all felt it. But I feel that when you get older you get so used to living that it's strange to fathom not existing, because it's all you've ever known. Maybe death is just amnesia, and we're instantly reborn into this life or another. I am rather curious.

Since 1984 strangely, on andoff of course. An event then that changed my life that cannot be fixed. Has been in the back of my mind since. Unthinkable up until then.

That's sad, not just because of the length of time you've suffered, but also because the 80's were a great decade. Best time to be alive, imho.

 

[WhiteEyes]

Over a decade.

 

[gentleflower]

First real thoughts of suicide occurred to me when I was 14. it has not been much off a problem for several years.
Now, I'm 28 and have been suicidal continuously for over a year now.

 

[Lifeiswildsuperwild]

I would say for a few years on and off- A big moment for me was when I went to the hospital cause I was going through a tough time and I didnt know what to do. They gave me all these pills to take and I remember sitting there thinking. "I could take all of these right now. I could do it".

Obviously I didn't but it was days/weeks like that. And overtime I thought I was getting better. I really did. But these past few months I see that deep down all those thoughts still lingered around. Around a few months ago they came back strong around my birthday. and it's just been on my mind ever since and hasn't stopped.

 

[Defenestrator]

Late teens for me, though I did have what would likely be referred to as a "remission" period after about 23 years old. The current black hole I've been in for about a year and a half.

 

[MachinaArcana]

Since I was 11 or 12, thereabouts. I did my best to smile in pictures, but I really didn't want to be here.

 

[Madiem]

too long and the fact i was in a country with almost no gun control or drug control either and still managed not to ctb hurts me daily.

 

[Dear Agony]

Since I started self harming - 9 years old

 

[mathieu]

14 years. Since I was 15.

 

[hershberger]

I first thought about it when I was about 16. I'm 47 now. Sometimes, life gives you wonderfully good moments and bad moments. It's the difference between the good and the bad which has kept me here so long. All I can say is that I urge younger forum members to think about the future. The best moments in my life occurred when I was 31 and 36. Sometimes, it's worth sticking in around.

 

[Xerces976]

Since I was 9, tried to hang myself at 10. I'm 24 now, and the urge to go through with it is stronger than it ever has been. I'm still trying to fight and keep going through the mental anguish.

 

[TheEndof]

Without really realizing or comprehending what I was contemplating, sometime before
the age of 10. I would think about death and dying a lot, sometimes would think about drowning myself or jumping into traffic. I didn't really understand but I knew I wanted the pain to stop.

Since I was 9, tried to hang myself at 10. I'm 24 now, and the urge to go through with it is stronger than it ever has been. I'm still trying to fight and keep going through the mental anguish.

I'm exactly the same. 24 and wondering how and why I am still alive as shit just keeps getting worse...

 

[Trisolaris]

First time I got suicidal was at 16 when the whole depression thing started. Since then it comes in waves that get more serious in terms of severity and planning. This current wave has gone on for 2.5 months now and it is my last. I think about it all day long and attempt practically everyday (try to hang myself).

 

[BlueWidow]

Since I was 12 and I'm 50 now, so 38 years.
Though for 26 of those years I was with my husband and I never would've done it when he was alive because I wouldn't have been able to leave him or hurt him like that. I was actively suicidal before I met my husband, and then I was passively suicidal the entire 26 years that I knew him, and then I became actively suicidal again after he passed away. The difference between active and passive being that while he was alive, I did things that could've resulted in my death, but they were not direct attempts to end my life. I did things to harm myself or torture myself, like developing an eating disorder and trying to starve myself to death. However, both before I met him and after his passing, I have made direct attempts to end my life.

 

[Carina]

How many years.... almost 30.

It's probably good I don't remember a large part of my childhood otherwise that could have been longer (as the catalyst to what started the suicidal things started when I was probably 4 years old).

It really wears you down I have to admit, at least in me.

 

[DownInaHole]

I been plagued by suicidal thoughts for much of the last twenty years plus.

 

[faust]

I planned a suicide when I was 16. As I recall, that was the age when I started thinking about suicide and considering it a way to get out. Now I am a bit more than 20 and I don't see any reasons there to stay. Thoughts finally result in actions

 

[Jynxer]

I remember as a kid having nightmares of being hanged for witchcraft and being magnetically pulled under the wheels of passing vehicles despite my best attempts to drag myself back onto the pavement.
[/QUO

My first thoughts of ending it all was when I was about 11. I took a bottle of my moms pills and hid them for "when I was ready" not even sure what the pills were. I just thought that if I took a bunch of pills I would die. My mom had a serious illness and had many pills around, so I just snagged a bottle.

 

[Inferdan]

Honestly, it's been a growing thing. I've been fighting for as long as I can remember, bullies everywhere, and my father torturing the whole family with his words and ignorance. Now I fight my ever growing sense of pain, using my friends as reasons to stay. I know I'm going off-topic, sorry, just giving context. It was never definite until last year, when a part of me finally cracked.

 

[SugarbushMtn]

Suicide is a multi decade decision it seems. Certainly for me.

 

[Broken Chimera]

Around 17 years but I made up my mind that I'm really gonna go through with it around over 2 years ago. I tried getting help but the "help" only caused more damage and I'm not waiting until I'm old to heal from it.

 

[Aliali1992]

First time 23 years old then again during the last 3 months i'm now 27

 

[TimeToBiteTheDust]

Since July 2019