I turned eighteen some months ago. A major depressive episode, ocd and other illnesses led to me having suicidal thoughts in 2015 and I struggled with them until 2017. In 2021, I was again diagnosed with a major depressive episode, social phobia and ocd. Since then, I chronically suffer from suicidal ideation.
Despite having depression for almost 30 years, until recently I thought about suicide only as an option for the future; now that I have become suicidal I regret never having thought about methods for all this time...
13-15 years depending on when you start counting. I never found the thought frightening as a child. I just wanted the escape and to be done and death would accomplish that. I was frightened by the things that caused the thoughts but never even considered the thoughts themselves to be abnormal.
Around 13 months for me. Was in a bad place mentally for years before that, and dealing with chronic Illness, then went through a breakup and layoff right around the same time, and that just broke me to the point of no return. If I had SN I'd guzzle that shit immediately.
I have been imagining what the afterlife may be like ever since I was born. At 7, I began thinking about death. In recent months it has reached a point to which I have come close to doing it.
Mine would be the definition of a wasted life if not for realizing that I was not meant to be in this world.
I believe that everything I have ever done has been leading up to this, and that the purpose of my existence is to kill myself. I have no explanation.
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