How long have all of you wanted to ctb

[GeorgeEastman]

April 27, 2002

That's when I knew for sure that life was always going to suck, and it has. I stood by a lake and it just hit me real hard for the first time in my life that day, "I really just want to shoot myself and die."

Since then it's been on and off periods of telling myself need to die, want to die, need death, want death. I've filled notebooks with it, told relatives, others, etc. It always freaks them out, and I'm pretty much left alone because of it.

They want to live. I hate to live. It's stupid to me. All this crap just to get older, physically worse, then die anyhow? Why not just die now?

 

[J.D.]

I've been suicidal on and off since i was 12.

I'm now 26, almost 27.

Tried it twice, once by overdosing on paracetamol and once by trying to hang myself.

I've been suicidal mainly because of being treated like shit by those around me.

These days i spent all my time on my own because i don't want to be hurt anymore.
Now i just want to die out of loneliness and boredom.

 

[Ella Disenchanted]

Almost 2 decades here.

 

[Shay]

3 months. I was traumatized by a doctor who prescribed meds I didn't need and those meds ruined my life. I'll never be the same. I was never depressed before and now I'm over the top

 

[Deadinside24]

I actually was fine most of my youth and college years. Chronic major depression and alcoholism didn't really set in for me until I was almost 21. After that, I suffered from major depression, with small bits of relief for about about 5 years. Then I started getting really miserable and at that point didn't care if I died and part of me hoped for it every damned day. I didn't get really suicidal until about 2 years ago. I mentioned this in an earlier reply on a different thread, but for me I just started seeing the pattern. I would do really well and make a lot of progress - things would start to improve and then I'd let alcohol back into my life and my life just rapidly tanked, which is what happened to me again and again over the passed couple years.

Obviously, if I could stay sober, I'd do a lot better. It's a cycle - major depression, self medicate with alcohol, lose job, start realizing that my home and other things I had were next, get new job and barely stay afloat and repeat. That's my cycle and that is exactly why I feel that the bus is my solution to this very re-occurring problem.

 

[PatKat]

Since around age 12, I have attempted 2ce... Next will be my last.

 

[nzdarkshark]

At age 13/14 I had a few suicidal thoughts and I was quite sad. But I didn't think anything of it until the thoughts hit me like a wrecking ball a few years ago. I'm 17 now and have realised life's shit and won't be getting better anytime soon.

 

[Damn]

I always knew at around 14 that something wasn't right but thought I would give life a try but always in the back of my head knew I wanted to die and that my brain wasn't on my side

I'm 28 this year so I can say I have wanted to CTB for almost half my life

I have an unwritten rule that you should only CTB if you have had the idea for many years

Not just some rash decision

What about you guys

Same. It's one of those things you really need to think about for a long time, myself since about 8-12 and now 25. So the same nearly half my life, can't remember when but tried a few times n never managed it, 12 year olds slipknots where to bad :/

 

[Nofaith]

About 24 years now and not a day goes by when I don't think about it.

 

[Somerando]

First thoughts at 9. Currently 21.

 

[Nanimoaru]

20 years.....

 

[windingdown]

Since early July 2017. So 1 year, 2 months. I'm almost 32. I feel like one of the old ones here!

I am sorry for all those of you in your teens and early 20s <3

 

[Maravillosa]

First serious thoughts of ctb: age 16
Episodes of severe depression & ctb ideation: age 19, age 21, age 36, age 51
Ctb ideation seldom very far from my consciousness, though the severity varies through the years
I will be 52 on September 23

 

[lv-gras]

Since early July 2017. So 1 year, 2 months. I'm almost 32. I feel like one of the old ones here!

I am sorry for all those of you in your teens and early 20s <3

Not the only one in your mid 30s, not alone

but yeah, often surprised by how young a lot of ppl are on here

 

[setianism]

actively suicidal for one year and a half, depressed for 5

I can't imagine how painful it is to be suicidal for decades...

 

[MortDeVivre]

Atleast 1 year, on and off. I was put on anti-depressants at first, but now I'm more serious than ever, partly because of what the anti-depressants did to me. Ironic.

 

[Nihilist]

Since when I was 10, I am now 33. I never really liked being human. I have very strong imagination and never could settle for this reality and its limitations. Have been an avid gamer all my life because it offers sweet escape from this dull reality. I haven't attempted suicide yet as I am financially stable, in good health, and retired. In any case, my deadline for suicide is when I turn 60 or develop any health issues, or can't enjoy video games anymore.

 

[satou]

First thoughts I had about suicide I was maybe 13 I think. But didn't consider it seriously until my mid 20s. Right now I don't want to... maybe in the future again, it's a high probability but not certain. It depends more on what will happen with my life than any personal ideas I have about it.

 

[Caustic Cardinals]

First thoughts I had about suicide I was maybe 13 I think. But didn't consider it seriously until my mid 20s. Right now I don't want to... maybe in the future again, it's a high probability but not certain. It depends more on what will happen with my life than any personal ideas I have about it.

I lost the last of my hope 5 years ago .

 

[Made4TV]

37 years. Give or take some in there.

 

[PatKat]

Since I was 12 so 24 years :/

 

[samhelloall9]

About 4 years now.
I'm 24.