How Long Has Suicide Been On Your Mind?

[LonelySoul]

I have had suicidal thoughts probably on and off throughout my life. The youngest of a large family, my Mum didn't want me really, but being a Catholic she couldn't articulate that thought to anyone. However, each birthday of mine she used to tell me, "I could have had you aborted, but my faith stopped me" like she was praising herself for being a good Catholic, or doing me a favour. She and I always had a troubled relationship because I felt her wrath at me "having" to be born a burden, which she passed onto me. She was an older Mother by the time I was born and because she was constantly tired, she never had much time to sit and spend time with me. Besides, our house was always chaotic, like Piccadilly Circus! She lost her first-born son when I was 6 and obviously this devastated my parents and they turned to drink to console themselves and had to bring up their large family as best as they could. As an adult, I can see how much pressure they were under, but being a child back then, it was always rows, heartache, more rows and angst. I was a nervous and frightened little girl, spent large parts of my childhood alone. Was bullied at school and in the street where I grew up. Amazingly, as an adult, I managed to find some confidence, go to college and become a secretary, working in London for years. But, I always felt like I never fitted into anywhere and either gushed headlong into friendships, or was indifferent. Relationships, no problem, had plenty of those and met dysfunctional types like myself, we probably fucked each other up! Have sought solace in nature and gardening and that is where you will find the real me. But I do have an extrovert side, but that has to be nurtured by the right people. These days, my world is imploding and I long for that courage to exit stage left!

It is strange really, anyone who came across this site and was reading this would think we were all bonkers. But I feel at home here, weirdly at peace, like I've come to the right place.

 

[BorderlineSuixide]

since i was 12...I am now 18 nearly 19. Nothing feels any better

 

[LonelySoul]

since i was 12...I am now 18 nearly 19. Nothing feels any better

I find that really sad because you're a child, you have your whole life ahead of you. Wait until you're in your mid 50's and you have fucked up through every decade and if life is still not right, then consider it.

If you're in the UK, get some help. Go and see your Doctor and pester the fuck out of them until they listen.

Live your life first, give yourself a chance to make something of yourself, to shine in your own sweet way.

 

[Lady black]

Since I was 12, so itfor 22 years now

 

[BorderlineSuixide]

I find that really sad because you're a child, you have your whole life ahead of you. Wait until you're in your mid 50's and you have fucked up through every decade and if life is still not right, then consider it.

If you're in the UK, get some help. Go and see your Doctor and pester the fuck out of them until they listen.

Live your life first, give yourself a chance to make something of yourself, to shine in your own sweet way. ❤

i've tried for years! there is nothing more i can do. But thank you for your kind words.

 

[soundsofsilence]

More than 10 years.

 

[RedPanda]

Since i was 16.

 

[Mizzmini45]

11

 

[CarefulWithThatAxe]

To long

 

[thepolarbear]

Since I was 7.

In my 30s now. Not even sure how or why I made it this far.

 

[ghostspace]

Since I was 11

 

[Nem]

The day after I had a near death experience from a retard dr prescribing retard meds. It's been over five years now and it is getting worse. Kidneys are fucked and my sociopath ex demanded I keep taking the meds, my friend said he would've killed her
Peace/hugs

 

[Blacksheep93]

I first thought about suicide at about 12 years old. I had been feeling very down at that age already and when someone close to me died, I wondered what it would've been like if I died too. Not long after that I tried hanging myself (or I overdosed, I'm not so sure anymore); obviously it hasn't worked. Next time it has to.

 

[applegreenicecream]

I am in UK.

Love your profile picture lonely soul. I live really close to beachy head and it fascinates me. Not sure I could make it my ctb method though. Whenever I stand there and look down it terrifies me. I got an entire book about suicide at beachy head. It's called cliffs of despair and is very good. At times I have contemplated jumping at belle tout, which i believe has the biggest drop and is the location most likely to be fatal (less ledges also) . . . It takes about 6 seconds to fall to the bottom there apparently. . . Some of what I learned in the book was comforting . . . Something about pain receptors in the brain not being able to transmit at a certain speed of fall . . . Implying that impact was painless . . . But let's be honest. . . How do we really know? That 6 seconds falling must be pretty bleak.
I read online recently that a body was so broken at the bottom that it was initially thought to be two bodies. Reading things like that definitely makes me favour SN.

 

[oneofthoseyoudontwan]

Abouth 4th month's again now, I'm in so much pain. Soul destroyed.

 

[whereispeace]

I've had suicidal thoughts off and on for at least the last 7-8 years (and actually did attempt before). It feels inevitable that it's eventually going to happen.

 

[braketimez]

On and off for about 7 years, since my best friend died in a car crash after I spoke with him on the phone the same day.

 

[the end is near]

Just the last few years since I ran into health problems.

 

[h3atd3ath]

At least five years. There was a point in my life where I stopped being happy-go-lucky and just wanted things to be over already. Maybe that's what becoming an adult is but other people have the fortitude to fight that constant uphill battle until they die or things change for the better. I don't have the mental capacity to remember exactly when the switch was flipped, but it did and the damn thing broke off. I've tried therapy before which helped a little bit, but nothing major really changes.

 

[TStorm]

Since I was 12. I know that seems young, but that's when my parents got divorced and I had to live with my dad (I didn't think I had a choice, although, apparently I did?). My dad who abused me. I mostly would try to harm myself to get away from my dad but nothing worked. I think my first real "attempt" was OD on tylenol at 14. Yeah that went real well. I wasn't so smart. I did a bunch of research online and was eventually prescribed a medication for insomnia. I thought that would work but it was hard to find information. Needless to say it didn't work. I've been pretty much suicidal since then but I am now taking care of my mother, so I can't really do anything. She needs me. I feel often that I'll be overcome with my feelings and do it anyway someday.

 

[nerve]

I don't remember it, but my mother says that when I was a toddler, I'd threaten to kill myself a lot. And that was before any real abuse!!

It's always been there. It's just how my brain is wired and I'm kind of okay with that. Coping with suicidal thoughts is honestly one of the more simple parts of living with mental illness.

 

[DetachedDreamer97]

Like... 4 years, dude.

I was supposed to be dead 3 years ago, but things would either come up and interfere with my plans, or that I have sudden doubts on my methods.

 

[LonelySoul]

Love your profile picture lonely soul. I live really close to beachy head and it fascinates me. Not sure I could make it my ctb method though. Whenever I stand there and look down it terrifies me. I got an entire book about suicide at beachy head. It's called cliffs of despair and is very good. At times I have contemplated jumping at belle tout, which i believe has the biggest drop and is the location most likely to be fatal (less ledges also) . . . It takes about 6 seconds to fall to the bottom there apparently. . . Some of what I learned in the book was comforting . . . Something about pain receptors in the brain not being able to transmit at a certain speed of fall . . . Implying that impact was painless . . . But let's be honest. . . How do we really know? That 6 seconds falling must be pretty bleak.
I read online recently that a body was so broken at the bottom that it was initially thought to be two bodies. Reading things like that definitely makes me favour SN.

I have the same book. I have another book of BH too, the one written by Keith Lane whose wife Maggie jumped over.

Belle Tout is the sheerest of drops, whereas the head itself (unless you go to the very tip of it) you are likely to bounce off a ledge, or get stuck there. Between the Head and Belle Tout would be the favoured place to jump. Many times I have stood up there and thought about just carrying on walking, walking over the edge. Yet, the walk along the cliffs is exhilarating and scary too and you see lovely chalk blue butterflies up there.

 

[Thinking Beyond]

I've thought about suicide and researched it on and off for about 4 years.

 

[Keto]

for the last 3 years almost every night (I'am now 32)

 

[Depressedtoolong]

Since my early twenties, but not consistently. Now 34. I've had good times as well. I suppose it has been in the back of my mind since I was a child. I've had depression for longer than I've been suicidal.

 

[avoid_slow_death]

Not sure when the thought first entered my head, but the first time I REMEMBER it clearly was at 11. So 34 years, probably longer.

 

[disabledandhopeless]

Since 17

 

[Abaigh]

3 ish years maybe 4

 

[applegreenicecream]

I have the same book. I have another book of BH too, the one written by Keith Lane whose wife Maggie jumped over.

Belle Tout is the sheerest of drops, whereas the head itself (unless you go to the very tip of it) you are likely to bounce off a ledge, or get stuck there. Between the Head and Belle Tout would be the favoured place to jump. Many times I have stood up there and thought about just carrying on walking, walking over the edge. Yet, the walk along the cliffs is exhilarating and scary too and you see lovely chalk blue butterflies up there.

I have the Keith lane book too. It arrived a few weeks ago, but I haven't read it yet. Cliffs of despair seems better written as far as I can tell.
Yes belle tout is the sheerest drop. About 534 feet I think. Yet standing up there I'm always wary it doesn't seem quite high enough. Which is ludicrous.
I don't think I could jump. The fear is too great. Not while there are other options.