How long has it been since your last attempt?

[Mr. Incapable]

I think my last true attempt was August 2022. I can't believe so much time has passed between then and now. Sometimes I feel guilty for not attempting enough or as often. I wonder if I'm lazy or if I'm just too anxious/scared of going through the act time after time - each failed attempt destroys my soul a little more. And it's not because deep down I want to live, I don't, I just wish I didn't have to take my own life this way. When I read news articles of successful suicides, I feel bad that I'm not doing enough.. these people just did it. They put their thoughts into action and did it, no turning back, no disappointment of another failed attempt and now all they are is a memory that gets more distant as time goes on.

 

[umbra_]

You're not a failure for not being ready yet. It just hasn't been your time, and that's okay.

My last attempt was September 2018.

 

[Darkover]

My last attempt was october 2018. 5 and a half years ago with a few different prescription drugs i was in a coma for 2 days, the only resaon i'm still alive is bcecause i don't have access to what i need if there was a shop i could go to to get whats needed i be long gone by now

 

[Mr. Incapable]

You're not a failure for not being ready yet. It just hasn't been your time, and that's okay.

My last attempt was September 2018.

Thanks I appreciate that. I wish it was my time already.

What's stopped you from attempting since then if you don't mind me asking?

My last attempt was october 2018. 5 and a half years ago with a few different prescription drugs i was in a coma for 2 days, the only resaon i'm still alive is bcecause i don't have access to what i need if there was a shop i could go to to get whats needed i be long gone by now

That sounds terrifying. I guess you have one specific method you want to do?

 

[Darkover]

hat sounds terrifying. I guess you have one specific method you want to do?

the overdose was completely peaceful and had no lasting damage i passed out within a few mins, i would use nembutal pentobarbital but because it so hard to get a hold of, i'm planning on a olanzapine overdose

 

[umbra_]

Thanks I appreciate that. I wish it was my time already.

What's stopped you from attempting since then if you don't mind me asking?

A mix of being in and out of inpatient treatment. and also my child is old enough now that it'll traumatize him. He was a baby at the time. I also attempted in 2014, 2012, and 2008, but i was young and dumb, then.

Feeling kinda stuck now because of his age. The idea of waiting until he's an adult just to probably traumatize him anyway is terrifying. I just took out a new life insurance policy with a 2 year suicide clause, so it'll be at least that long if not 12+ years. I do have an eating disorder, though. So I'm basically attempting every time I don't feed myself.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

the overdose was completely peaceful and had no lasting damage i passed out within a few mins, i would use nembutal pentobarbital but because it so hard to get a hold of, i'm planning on a olanzapine overdose

I just had a quick google, it seems like it's a medication for schizophrenia and bipolar. How will you get hold of that? I'm too nervous to buy medications or chemicals online in the fear of getting scammed or them being seized before they arrive or by the police when they do..

A mix of being in and out of inpatient treatment. and also my child is old enough now that it'll traumatize him. He was a baby at the time. I also attempted in 2014, 2012, and 2008, but i was young and dumb, then.

Feeling kinda stuck now because of his age. The idea of waiting until he's an adult just to probably traumatize him anyway is terrifying. I just took out a new life insurance policy with a 2 year suicide clause, so it'll be at least that long if not 12+ years. I do have an eating disorder, though. So I'm basically attempting every time I don't feed myself.

Oh, I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling that way. I can't imagine how hard it must be battling your feelings of wanting to die whilst also being a parent.

 

[HopelessAngel]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I know those feelings of guilt and shame you're dealing with, I think that's a fairly commom way to feel in the weeks/months after an attempt. Try not to beat yourself up though, like @umbra_ said, it's just not your time, and that's okay.

Sounds like 2018 was a bad year for a lot of us. My last attempt was in 2018 as well, in February.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Sorry to hear you're struggling. I know those feelings of guilt and shame you're dealing with, I think that's a fairly commom way to feel in the weeks/months after an attempt. Try not to beat yourself up though, like @umbra_ said, it's just not your time, and that's okay.

Sounds like 2018 was a bad year for a lot of us. My last attempt was in 2018 as well, in February.

Thanks for the kind words. I just feel like I'm wasting time and causing myself only more pain the longer I stay alive. My anxiety and depression gets worse and soon it'll start to affect my work life as it's affecting my personal life. I hate feeling the way I do.

What's happened between February 2018 and now that's kept you going, if it's ok to ask?

 

[umbra_]

I just had a quick google, it seems like it's a medication for schizophrenia and bipolar. How will you get hold of that? I'm too nervous to buy medications or chemicals online in the fear of getting scammed or them being seized before they arrive or by the police when they do..

Oh, I'm really sorry to hear you're struggling that way. I can't imagine how hard it must be battling your feelings of wanting to die whilst also being a parent.

I just don't want him to grow up and be in the same place I am now, wanting to die. I want him to have a good life, to break the chain.

Btw if you want antipsychotics the best way to get them is to have bipolar. My medication for bipolar would be pretty hard to ctb on though tbh.

 

[FuneralCry]

I've never even properly attempted. In this world suicide really is something that is so unnecessarily difficult, risky and complicated and if it was easier to leave I would certainly be free from this world at this point. It certainly makes suicide sound so much more straightforward than it actually is when you hear of all these people who succeeded and I very much envy them and the courage that they had.

 

[looking_for_peace]

2020. it still makes me feel ashamed that I failed to this day.

 

[suicidoll]

My last serious attempt was around April 2022. Since then I haven't been able to get any resources necessary.

 

[EnvyTangerine]

Just over an hour ago. Something unexpected happened and the attempt failed.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I've never even properly attempted. In this world suicide really is something that is so unnecessarily difficult, risky and complicated and if it was easier to leave I would certainly be free from this world at this point. It certainly makes suicide sound so much more straightforward than it actually is when you hear of all these people who succeeded and I very much envy them and the courage that they had.

Do you think you'll ever attempt or just the thought of knowing you could attempt settles you enough to carry on living?

2020. it still makes me feel ashamed that I failed to this day.

Me too. I feel so weak when I think that I didn't succeed as those times before.

My last serious attempt was around April 2022. Since then I haven't been able to get any resources necessary.

If it's ok to ask, what resources or what method is your preferred?

Just over an hour ago. Something unexpected happened and the attempt failed.

Sorry you're struggling this much today. What method did you try? Are you ok?

 

[ermurazor]

It was 2020 in summer. Made me realise that its not my time yet.

 

[EnvyTangerine]

Sorry you're struggling this much today. What method did you try? Are you ok?

I tried to hyperventilate and drown myself. I'm not doing okay mentally but physically I'm fine aside from a headache

 

[GRIM_DEADMAN]

I was going to jump off a bridge November 1st 2022 but SI kicked in and i couldn't go through with it.

I wish I wasn't such a coward.

 

[BasqueClown]

October 2022 was my last "official" attempt, I mean, before my psychotic episode. I tied up the noose, attach to an anchor point, and only crying when I saw it. I didn't get unconscious with that partial hanging.
Lastly in november 30, in the day of my psychotic episode, I threatened to jump off a bridge until police caught me.
3 attempts so far.

 

[lukas19]

I think my last true attempt was August 2022. I can't believe so much time has passed between then and now. Sometimes I feel guilty for not attempting enough or as often. I wonder if I'm lazy or if I'm just too anxious/scared of going through the act time after time - each failed attempt destroys my soul a little more. And it's not because deep down I want to live, I don't, I just wish I didn't have to take my own life this way. When I read news articles of successful suicides, I feel bad that I'm not doing enough.. these people just did it. They put their thoughts into action and did it, no turning back, no disappointment of another failed attempt and now all they are is a memory that gets more distant as time goes on.

But how many failed attempts did they try before they succeeded?

 

[Mr. Incapable]

It was 2020 in summer. Made me realise that its not my time yet.

Is it ok to ask how you attempted it?

I tried to hyperventilate and drown myself. I'm not doing okay mentally but physically I'm fine aside from a headache

I've not heard of that method, glad you're physically ok after that though.. you must be struggling a lot

 

[Darkover]

I just had a quick google, it seems like it's a medication for schizophrenia and bipolar. How will you get hold of that? I'm too nervous to buy medications or chemicals online in the fear of getting scammed or them being seized before they arrive or by the police when they do..

yeah i was prescribed it for schizophrenia but no longer have access to it but can get a hold it from a oversea pharmacy in india it runs the risk of being seized by the authority and going to jail if caught but what else i'm i ment to do i need to leave because i have a brain injury

 

[Mr. Incapable]

I was going to jump off a bridge November 1st 2022 but SI kicked in and i couldn't go through with it.

I wish I wasn't such a coward.

I've considered jumping from a bridge too but unfortunately there's nothing like that local to me and I'd have to travel a ways out to find somewhere suitable?

Did you make it to the bridge before you backed out?

 

[EnvyTangerine]

I've not heard of that method, glad you're physically ok after that though.. you must be struggling a lot

Yeah. Just so tired of all the shit I have to go through. Hopefully I'll have better luck next time

 

[Mr. Incapable]

October 2022 was my last "official" attempt, I mean, before my psychotic episode. I tied up the noose, attach to an anchor point, and only crying when I saw it. I didn't get unconscious with that partial hanging.
Lastly in november 30, in the day of my psychotic episode, I threatened to jump off a bridge until police caught me.
3 attempts so far.

I've struggled a lot with hanging, too. As soon as I put my head through the noose I become quite overwhelmed.. mentally I'm unable to continue as soon as I feel myself losing consciousness and I back out. Then other times when I have the courage I'm unable to get the feeling of losing consciousness and only experiencing the exploding head feeling..

What happened when the police caught you? Did they allow you to go home or enforce a mental health act?

But how many failed attempts did they try before they succeeded?

True. I just need to be more proactive because all I've done today is lay on my bed thinking and wishing I was dead rather than actually doing it..

 

[ermurazor]

Is it ok to ask how you attempted it?

Sure! It was a mix of sleeping pills and vodka. Wasnt even planned properly. Just Knocked me out for about 14 hours and caused me a massive hangover the next day.

 

[Shadowlord900]

Last attempt was just a little over a year ago. Will not attempt again until about a month at minimum (hopefully I get my Phenobarbital by then), 1.5 years at most (a little before when my domperidone expires). Early attempt will be depend if social services try to force me to pay for my shitty support service at my flats and chuck me out if I don't pay.

 

[Mickdom]

September 6th 2022 for me with two prior attempts. It was an overdose on Zoplicone, Propranolol and Sertraline at a hotel, I think it was poor preparation as I woke up in hospital a week later with the only part i can fully remember being the steak i had before the OD.

Beachy Head (UK) is my next attempt in the coming weeks, hopefully I can do it right this time to finally rid this depression, anxiety and hopelessness once and for all!

Mick

 

[BasqueClown]

What happened when the police caught you? Did they allow you to go home or enforce a mental health act?

Forced me to hospitalization. I was one month there and that was the moment when I got diagnosed with dissiociative / depersonalization disorder. I'm currently in disability permit by order of healthcare and in asenapine and duloxetine to treatment psychotic episodes and depression respectively.

 

[Mr. Incapable]

Sure! It was a mix of sleeping pills and vodka. Wasnt even planned properly. Just Knocked me out for about 14 hours and caused me a massive hangover the next day.

At least, hopefully, you didn't have any long lasting damage from that.. but as you say if it wasn't planned properly then it's not surprising it didn't work, although I'm sure just as still disappointing for you

Last attempt was just a little over a year ago. Will not attempt again until about a month at minimum (hopefully I get my Phenobarbital by then), 1.5 years at most (a little before when my domperidone expires). Early attempt will be depend if social services try to force me to pay for my shitty support service at my flats and chuck me out if I don't pay.

Finances can be really stressful. I hope for your sake social services don't pressure you to make the decision to ctb and it's done purely on your own terms