Discussion How does your sadness not turn into rage?

[cylus46]

Im a kind soul. Always have been. But ive been severely depressed and mentally unstable for nearing a decade now and what use to be self inflicted pain and sabotage is starting to spill outwardly onto others. I catch myself snapping when I shouldn't, letting words slip that shouldn't, having thoughts of hurting a asshole (key word asshole) at any inconvenience. I trained mma, teakwando and I go to the gym religiously and it use to vent out this side of me. But im 21 life continues to get worse and worse and I feel it...
Twitches in my muscle fibers, breathing increasing, adrenaline flooding my system, this urge to hurt myself or whoever hurts me. Ive gotten into a habit of cracking my bones, my knuckles, wrist, neck just to give me some stimulation and false sense of breaking something. Im angry at everyone, myself and it just makes me feel worse. Guilty for even thinking it.
Im angry at being sad and sad that I feel angry and its a loop that spiraling me more and more.
Especially as a man it makes me feel like a monster. Im already jacked and tall and i have a more grungy look with my long hair and tired eyes and my presence already is deemed intimidating which I didnt mind because I am a sweetheart when people come up and talk too me and I make them feel good back. But now I feel like im a monster. A monster who clearly doesn't deserve love or understanding.
I just want too feel sad and only sad again not whatever this is.

 

[Forever Sleep]

I'm not entirely sure how to stop it because- I feel the same. It's definitely something that's developed with age for me. Maybe with more of a rebellious side too. Before, I was too timid really to blame others. To question my parent's actions etc.

Now though, I'm so full of resentment at being alive. At being expected to pay for a life I don't want to begin with. I feel annoyed so often.

I suppose what does help marginally is to look at it logically and fairly. I don't think my parents had me with malice in their hearts. I doubt they even envisaged it would turn out like this. Maybe they should have but, can I be that angry at them for being naive? That probably isn't fair.

So- can you do something similar? Who are you angry with? Have they acted out of malice or, something else? There's also the issue that feeling like this doesn't do us any favours. Especially if we don't feel able to express it. So- it makes sense to try to soften it if we can.

I suppose we can also try to flatter ourselves. Even if this other person may be in the wrong- we have the opportunity here to be the bigger person. If we are strong enough, we can stop ourselves from acting out in a negative way- even if provoked or triggered. Or, we can find a calm way of expressing how we feel. I suppose that doesn't exactly stop the angry feelings though.

Maybe that's something else though. Maybe these feelings of anger/ annoyance are a signal that you are repeatedly being pushed too far/ exploited or whatever else. So- is there a calm and polite way you can reassert boundaries or, make it clear you don't like being treated the way you are?

I think to begin with though- you need to be asking what/ who is making you angry and why? And how reasonable is that response?

 

[LittleJem]

I'm the same and I feel bad about it. I walk down the street in a state of depression, and (please don't judge) think about attacking dogs and children. My misery has become hostility and rage.

I really love dogs, I used to have dogs when I was more functional. I used to work with children. I don't think I'd ever do it, but I understand the rage of people with depression who turn to extreme violence - I'm not at that level, but hate to say it, the school shooters.

The worse my depression gets, the more hostile and rage I feel. It's ugly. I don't want to be this person.

My friend yesterday asked if I thought I was the only one - as he walks down the road thinking of punching people he doesn't know. He called it the 'Shadow Side' in Jung, and says lots of people have this.

I think I want to say it's part of depression, not our fault, and your kind heart contains this and does not act on it. It is very unpleasant to experience.

I think this is a symptom of depression. If you are like me, and have tried every med in the book, I'm not sure what you can do. I don't really believe in therapy, only meds and drugs.

This article recommends CBT. I don't know if I believe in it or not, especially as it says the meds help the sadness (which we know they don't always) but just in case there's anything useful...which I doubt:

Depression is More Than Just Sadness: A Case of Excessive Anger and Its Management in Depression - PMC

People with depressive illness often have symptoms of overt or suppressed anger. Those with anger traits face exaggerated problem during symptomatic period of depression. Pharmacological management helps in control of depressive and anxiety ...

pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov

 

[enduringwinter]

Sorry man I get it. That just gets better with age. Emotional regulation I mean. The 20s is painful

 

[interna]

i just don't have it in me. i only ever snap at family, but that's a learned behavior from them being generally aggressive. i think im passive unless really on edge

 

[franos666]

I am sometimes angry and jealous thinking about other people who can lead happy life and have normal self-esteem but I keep reminding myself that it's not their fault that I am unhappy.
World is just unfair. There is no free will and some people just have better genetic, environment and other unfortunately don't like me so I have to suffer pain even though I am only 18yo...