How do you make this decision? I feel like I need to soon.

[affirmatice]

I cannot live anymore like this. I've had bad suicidal thoughts now for a few months.

I'm still "living" my life. But it's insanely difficult. I was at a work event recently. And I had to go through the motions of all the meetings and talking to people while the whole time I was debating whether or not to CTB.

How do I make this choice? I think I need to decide whether or not to CTB - in which case I will give up on trying and plan for that. Or to stay alive - in which case I will do my best to keep trying.

I tried weighing the pros and cons but I didn't really see a conclusion.

I guess worst case scenario- I've been depressed for 5 years due to physical ailments (more so affecting my appearance than my health). I can continue living but that's not a life I want to live if I'm going to continue to be depressed, insecure, and miserable. I don't want to look back in 5 years and realize I spent another 5 years of my life depressed and missing out. I'd rather die than live a half-assed sad life.

best case scenario - I somehow (seems impossible), overcome the physical limitations or accept them. I find confidence and happiness again. I experience the things I want the most - experiences, love, most importantly being happy with myself.

 

[vanillamilkshakes]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. Remember to try everything else before choosing CTB. Don't attempt on impulse, it may fail and you'll end up in a psychiatric ward. Good luck on whatever journey you choose

 

[affirmatice]

I'm sorry that you are in so much pain. Remember to try everything else before choosing CTB. Don't attempt on impulse, it may fail and you'll end up in a psychiatric ward. Good luck on whatever journey you choose

I think… I've tried everything.

I've pushed my life in every possible way it could improve. Physically fit, making lots of money, socializing, had some relationships, went to therapy.

I realized I will never be able to overcome the physical limitations that constantly plague my mind. Unless I experience some drastic mindset change. Which I don't think is possible and also I don't want to change who I am just to cope with my life now. As sad as it sounds I don't want to become some wise, philosophical, "strong" person.

I'd rather be the way I was, a bit cocky, vain, feeling invincible in life. And that's not possible anymore.

For me I think, living a life at 50% or 60% is the same as 0%. I want to love every part of my life. And with my physical struggles i don't think i can even reach close to 100%