How do you know if a guy is using you?

[ForsakenDial]

I'm convinced I'm going to be used and abandoned again. My chest hurts. The pain radiates outwards to my stomach. I don't understand why emotional pain also hurts physically. Regardless it still hurts as if I were physically struck. How would I know I'm being used? Is it all in my head?

 

[Untimely]

I'm convinced I'm going to be used and abandoned again. My chest hurts. The pain radiates outwards to my stomach. I don't understand why emotional pain also hurts physically. Regardless it still hurts as if I were physically struck. How would I know I'm being used? Is it all in my head?

I think you would understand if it's happening, but it's difficult if you are being abused

 

[ForsakenDial]

I think you would understand if it's happening, but it's difficult if you are being abused

I don't know. He doesn't tell his friend we are a thing. He said he told one of them, but I have no evidence for that. He said he told his parents too, but there is no evidence for that either.

He pretends we're just friends when other people are around.

 

[Unicr0n]

I don't know. He doesn't tell his friend we are a thing. He said he told one of them, but I have no evidence for that. He said he told his parents too, but there is no evidence for that either.

He pretends we're just friends when other people are around.

Normal people don't do that. It might make sense if he had parents that were against your relationship (eg. you're black and he's white and they're racist), but not around his friends. Unless he doesn't think you guys are in a relationship at all and you're misinterpreting things? To men, there's a difference between a fling, friends-with-benefits, and a romantic partner they one day desire to be forever coupled with. Make sure to clarify with him that you're not in the friends-with-benefits zone.

Emotional pain hurts physically because it affects your heart. Your heart has neurons that are just like the brain's neurons, so it remembers your love for another person and just like how your brain hurts when you're upset, so too does your heart due to those neurons reacting to the situation. Because of this, your body starts becoming stressed and that's why you feel pain in other parts of your body as well. It's really inconvenient :ppp

 

[destinationlosangel]

Give him an ultimatum. Do not get used. Know your worth.

 

[ForsakenDial]

Normal people don't do that. It might make sense if he had parents that were against your relationship (eg. you're black and he's white and they're racist), but not around his friends. Unless he doesn't think you guys are in a relationship at all and you're misinterpreting things? To men, there's a difference between a fling, friends-with-benefits, and a romantic partner they one day desire to be forever coupled with. Make sure to clarify with him that you're not in the friends-with-benefits zone.

Emotional pain hurts physically because it affects your heart. Your heart has neurons that are just like the brain's neurons, so it remembers your love for another person and just like how your brain hurts when you're upset, so too does your heart due to those neurons reacting to the situation. Because of this, your body starts becoming stressed and that's why you feel pain in other parts of your body as well. It's really inconvenient :ppp

He told me that he loved me. That he will be with me. That we have to be careful about permanent birth control if we get physically intimate because we might want to have children in the future together. We had many discussions where it was established we are dating, and intend to be long term. We often agree that we are dating, and our desires to cuddle and spend time together. There is so much direct intention and romance behind the scenes, but never in front of others.

Thank you for the explanation. It has been a frequent thing throughout my life and I never understood its cause.

 

[Unicr0n]

but never in front of others.

It could just be that he doesn't like Public Displays of Affection. Some people are just like that [I see it around more conservative people]. If you ever meet his friends or parents maybe it would be an idea to ask if they know you're dating, if he's ever told them? Maybe without him around to know that you asked (which to him might be a warning sign about you since it would hint that you don't trust his word). Dating is so tricky :p

 

[HopingOnaMiracle]

I don't know. He doesn't tell his friend we are a thing. He said he told one of them, but I have no evidence for that. He said he told his parents too, but there is no evidence for that either.

He pretends we're just friends when other people are around.

Is the relationship in a very early stage? That might explain that he doesn't want to tell everyone yet.
Best thing would be just asking him why he doesn't introduce you as a girlfriend to others.

 

[ForsakenDial]

It could just be that he doesn't like Public Displays of Affection. Some people are just like that [I see it around more conservative people]. If you ever meet his friends or parents maybe it would be an idea to ask if they know you're dating, if he's ever told them? Maybe without him around to know that you asked (which to him might be a warning sign about you since it would hint that you don't trust his word). Dating is so tricky :p

He said he does not like public displays. I'll talk to him about it at some point. I don't want want to go behind his back. It would hurt me if he did that to me. I want to treat him as I want to be treated. I agree with you, dating is very complicated and stressful.

Is the relationship in a very early stage? That might explain that he doesn't want to tell everyone yet.
Best thing would be just asking him why he doesn't introduce you as a girlfriend to others.

We are seven months in. I will ask him about it. Thank you both for the advice.

 

[SexyIncél]

Obviously I don't know the probabilities, as I'm watching from afar, with limited info

Fairly likely: he's "selling the dream", as we say in the manosphere. Typically, it starts by telling a gal what she obviously wants to hear; then it snowballs from there. Keeps her loyal, nearly for free

(This is the male counterpart to intense friendzoning, where gals lead guys on for years, maintaining supply of backup men)

Simple test: ask for simple action. Words are worthless; actions are everything. Meet his parents. Or you both casually announce you're dating, in front of friends/acquaintances. Anything to turn his claims into social reality

He could also be unsure about you. In this case, "dating" is an interview process lasting months

For more info on female game, when you find a decent guy:

1. the Master Key. The secret to getting a relationship with a man is being useful. Women need to make men's lives easier and better in order to secure a commitment. The trick is to insinuate themselves so completely into the day-to-day operation of a man's life that it would next to impossible to extricate them from it.

2. the Hook. This is how women capture men. In order to hook a man, women have to be the nastiest, slutiest versions of themselves possible. A woman's sexual behavior is the primary way men gauge her interest and attraction. So she needs to do things for him that she hasn't done with any other man -- and, ideally, that he hasn't done with any other woman.

3. the Unbreakable Rule. If a woman has proven herself both functionally useful and sexually exciting, and she still hasn't been able to retain a desired relationship, in most cases it is because she has violated the unbreakable rule, namely: she has been difficult and disrespectful. Under no circumstances, can a woman allow herself to disrespect the man she wants. No exceptions.

 

[Meteora]

He pretends we're just friends when other people are around.

That's a very bad sign. I think you should break-up with this guy.