I don't cope it in any way, I just try to research methods and well, there isn't any method "suitable" for me and it sucks. I mean i wish i could just be sleeping all day and then ctb whenever i want without any risks and worries about getting caught but i cant do that, it would be too suspicious immediately. if i was living alone obviously i would and wouldn't do any fucking thing at all at any time and i wouldn't move at all, just sleep and then ctb. I literally simply just don't want to do absolutely anything at all and have no interest for/don't give a shit about anything and never will. It's just frustrating that i have no way out and it sucks that the only way to do it with no fear of being interrupted and failing is having own house and having to get a fucking job to have money to buy SN or a proper rope and having a more or less "reliable"/"safe"/"painless" method, i dont want 'independence' nor any other shit like that, I literally just want to not exist at all, i couldn't care any less about 'life' (in a very general way, not referring to anything particular/specific) no matter how/what is/what it is about/how it works etc. I dont want to work nor study nor literally any other thing and i dont want to have any fucking house nor apartment or whatever that is and it sucks that that's the only way to have a relatively successful and reliable (and possibly quick and painless, but well if it's not painless i dont really care, for me it has to be reliable and quick, if there's pain involved well i dont give a shit lol then after that i won't exist at all for all eternity so) and not traumatize/shock/hurt 'my parents' nor any other 'family member' (put it between 's because i couldn't care less 'what'/'who' 'they' 'are' neither what 'parents' and 'family' and literally any other 'word'/'thing' means) other reason apart from literally just not having any way out it's not wanting to hurt 'my parents' (sigh actually i couldn't care any less 'what'/'who' 'my parents' /literally any 'person' are/is but well) it's really a hard decision because I don't want to "ruin" their 'lives' (i dont give a shit about anything at all lmao but literally everyone else does so, and I know that they care and that they want to 'enjoy life/their lives' and 'be happy' and blah blah all that crap so well, as much as i dont give a shit about anything and crave NON EXISTENCE/NOTHINGNESS, they want to live/experience/'enjoy'/'explore' etc 'life'/'the world'/'planet earth' (whatever their 'made-up' 'names' are) and they care and want to care and theyre interested in and want to be interested in things etcetc and they 'dont want to lose their daughter' so, I know my death would hurt/devastate/traumatize them a lot and well its actually shocking and "sad" to imagine them crying and getting shocked and traumatized when seeing the body, i dont want them to go through that and suffer but well what can i do? I'm sorry if theyll suffer and cry and that theyll be devastated and traumatized for the rest of their lives but that's not in my 'control', i obviously don't wanna hurt them but at the same time don't care, not because they will suffer if i go and just because they want me to be here and 'live/'enjoy'/'experience'/'do' 'life' and 'explore' 'planet earth'/'the world' means I have to want to yes or yes, i just dont and that's it. It's actually hard for me to not think too much about their reactions and imagining them crying and all that but well what can i do? I won't stay 'here' and 'do'/'live'/'experience' 'life'/'the world'/'planer earth' and 'things'/'whatever' in general just because they want me to and 'brought' me 'here', i will ctb someday anyways that's for sure, well i hope lol but i unfortunately have no way out. and im sorry but i dont give a shit if its "selfish" or whatever, i should have THE RIGHT to SIMPLY just not want this nor any other thing however/whatever it is and just not exist at all, i don't understand why existence and in "these cases" 'life'/'human life'/'the world'/'planet earth' are an obligation, why can't i literally just don't want any of these nor literally any other thing? I dont want to be brought anywhere at all nor "experience" any type of 'thing'/'life'/'consciousness'/'existence'/'planet/'world' nor any other thing. Just don't. I guess this sounds "depressing" and "boring" for literally all of you/everyone else but it's not for me (and i couldn't care any less about the 'terms'/'words'/'meanings' of "depressing" and "boring" anyways lol) . They'd be the first ones when seeing the corpse and itd be traumatizing for them so its really a hard decision (nah i will obviously ctb anyways lol no one and nothing will ever convince me otherwise, i simply just dont want to be 'here' in 'life'/'planet earth'/'the world'/'existence' nor literally anywhere else so, i simply
but well, I have no way out anyways i wish there was a method for me, im not suffering in any way at all nor any other thing like that like all of you, and I just don't care, I literally just don't want to live life. And don't say "ah it's because living life without any purpose or meaning its not worth living, youre bored and feeling empty, and you don't want to live a life without any purpose and not being interested in anything and with no reason to live, that's pointless and meaningless so that's why you say you don't want to live life and that you don't care about anything, because life isnt worth living if you dont do anything and nothing motivates you ,you need something to live for if you don't then everything becomes pointless and you get bored and feel empty blaaah blah blah" no lmao it's not that crap nor literally any other thing/'reason'. I don't give a shit if 'life'/'my life' or whatever 'person's' 'life' is "meaningless", "empty", "boring", "aimless" or whatever other """"negative"""" 'way'/'type of life'. I don't want anything to have a "meaning", "reason", "purpose" or whatever all those 'words' mean, i dont want to have/live any life of any type/kind/way at all i just dont. So its not that "iM fEeLinG eMpTy aNd i wAnT tO wAnT tO dO tHinGS aNd bE iNtErEsTeD bUt iM nOt aNd tHaTs wHy I dOnT wAnT tO liVe LifE" no ffs. I don't want to 'live'/'do'/'experience' (or whatever other 'action verb') neither 'life' nor literally any other thing. I don't want 'life' on 'planet earth' nor any other 'planet'/'galaxy'/'universe' nor literally anything/anywhere else. I just don't, its not because of a reason, there aren't any reasons at all. And it's not "bEcAuSe oF tHe cOrOnAvIrUs" "bEcAuSe oF tHe cUrReNt sItUaTiON iN tHe WoRlD" "bEcAuSe tHe wOrLd iS a 'bAd' pLaCe" (as if i gave a shit if it's ""bad"" or ""good"" or whatever, lol, I just simply don't give a shit about 'the world' in general nor 'planet earth' nor 'life'/'human life' nor literally anything else.) Again, im not suffering at all and nothing "bad" has ever happened/is happening to 'me' and my life isnt "bad" nor "painful" at all and i just don't care. I have shelter, food, clothes, 'good parents/family' (couldn't care any less if they are "good" or "bad" or whatever lol), 'good health', 'my parents' want 'happiness'/'all the best' for 'me' and i dont give a fucking shit either. I just don't want anything I just don't care about anything im just not "interested" (and never will no matter what/how whatever is) in anything ffs. Well i know this is getting long, sorry, i was just gonna say i have no way out at all so it's not gonna happen anytime soon and that sucks but well I'm not in any rush either, im not 'suffering' at all (and i couldn't care less lol i dont want anything "good" to happen nor literally anything in general) in any way about anything so I'm not "desperate" nor "wanting to '''escape the pain''' 'as soon as possible'" nor any other thing, there's no pain at all. Im just frustrated and feeling a lot of impotence and helplessness (also hopelessness BUT NOT the same type of 'hopelessness' as all of you except me have, im """hopeless""" [hence the username, although i know the user isn't the most appropriate for me at all lol im not hopeless about anything, at least not about anything that 'people' in general/everyone else typically/generally are, but no im not "hopeless" about anything/for any reason at all] because i really don't think im gonna ever have a method to CTB and not fail when attempting, id have to be alone in a house ((i donte mind AT ALL being alone/completely isolated, in fact thats what i wish, i just dont care about anyone/people in general {i don't "hate" nor "dislike" anyone nor anything , I have nothing "against" people at all, it's that I simply just don't care} and wish i could be alone and then finally disappear from existence and be nothing
- string a new boyfriend or two online. Anything to stay sane.
