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sancta-simplicitas

sancta-simplicitas

Experienced
Dec 14, 2023
201
So, I finally decided on a date. Initially it was a massive relief and I felt rather invincible. Painful feelings and reminders stopped affecting me because they don't really matter anymore. Then I quickly entered a state of what I would descripe as bittersweet apathy. I feel like nothing, don't really want to spend time with the few people I have left, I have no appetite (mostly I feel nauseuos tbh) and when my favorite flowers (lilacs) finally started to bloom earlier this week their scent, which I have always loved, just overwhelmed me. Nothing I do truly matters anymore and it's been tough to grapple because I figured I'd live my last days just chomping away at things that I love until the time is up.

I've managed to find some solace though. I've started to record myself reading my favorite children's books, right now I'm halfway through The Little Prince. I plan to upload them to my Google Drive and give them as a present to a friend who has DID, I always read to her child part when they lived here for a couple of months. Perhaps I'll give them to my sister to play them for my niece and nephew too, even though I'm not very close to my family. I'd like to encourage kids to read, it feels meaningful to me. And the books I've choosen means a lot to me, despite being a grown ass person.

I've also found some comfort in music, finding the perfect tunes for my funeral. I don't really want to be surrounded by my family when I die, but I'd like my last moments over ground to be filled with music.

Next month I am going to try painting again. It's been a couple of years since I stopped when I got sick. But I hope it works.
 
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lkjhgfdsa1

lkjhgfdsa1

πŸ–€
Apr 17, 2024
425
for me, there does not have to be meaning
life is inherently meaningless in my opinion
and when i die, all the meaning i "gave" myself, will die with me
 
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EyesOfNight

EyesOfNight

the night will be eternal
Feb 2, 2024
371
My life never had meaning to begin with. I'm just waiting bored out of my mind until the time arrives.
 
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L

lizzywizzy09

Specialist
May 11, 2024
361
I don't even know anymore. This kind of suffering is meaningless and I just can't hack it and don't want to anymore.
 
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D

DeIetedUser4739

Guest
Apr 21, 2024
392
If I could find meaning in life I wouldn't want to die.
 
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RemainingDubious

RemainingDubious

All of these lies are not worth fighting for
Feb 18, 2024
309
Wouldn't meaning become an obstacle? πŸ€”

i've wasted countless years in vain when i foolishly believed my existence somehow had a meaning.
 
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lkjhgfdsa1

lkjhgfdsa1

πŸ–€
Apr 17, 2024
425
isnt meaninglessness the point of dying
 
Havnis

Havnis

XXXX'ed out 🌲🌲🌲🌲
May 15, 2024
167
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RemainingDubious

RemainingDubious

All of these lies are not worth fighting for
Feb 18, 2024
309
isnt meaninglessness the point of dying
i'm not sure πŸ€” What good is meaning? What is it actually worth? πŸ€”

Kurt Cobain is one of my favourite artists, but there's people who don't know he ever existed. There are people who view him as an overrated junkie.

Was he a good son? A good husband? A good father? A good friend? πŸ€” The opinion of what people think about him, even the opinions of those he loved most, no long matter to him. In the bigger picture did his art ever really matter? πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ»
 
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Havnis

Havnis

XXXX'ed out 🌲🌲🌲🌲
May 15, 2024
167
So, I finally decided on a date. Initially it was a massive relief and I felt rather invincible. Painful feelings and reminders stopped affecting me because they don't really matter anymore. Then I quickly entered a state of what I would descripe as bittersweet apathy. I feel like nothing, don't really want to spend time with the few people I have left, I have no appetite (mostly I feel nauseuos tbh) and when my favorite flowers (lilacs) finally started to bloom earlier this week their scent, which I have always loved, just overwhelmed me. Nothing I do truly matters anymore and it's been tough to grapple because I figured I'd live my last days just chomping away at things that I love until the time is up.

I've managed to find some solace though. I've started to record myself reading my favorite children's books, right now I'm halfway through The Little Prince. I plan to upload them to my Google Drive and give them as a present to a friend who has DID, I always read to her child part when they lived here for a couple of months. Perhaps I'll give them to my sister to play them for my niece and nephew too, even though I'm not very close to my family. I'd like to encourage kids to read, it feels meaningful to me. And the books I've choosen means a lot to me, despite being a grown ass person.

I've also found some comfort in music, finding the perfect tunes for my funeral. I don't really want to be surrounded by my family when I die, but I'd like my last moments over ground to be filled with music.

Next month I am going to try painting again. It's been a couple of years since I stopped when I got sick. But I hope it works.
I will spend all day passionately doing stuff that I found meaningful to me if I knew that I will die tomorrow because it will be the last time I would experience them. " My meaning is in the experience in itself"
 
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sancta-simplicitas

sancta-simplicitas

Experienced
Dec 14, 2023
201
Wouldn't meaning become an obstacle? πŸ€”

i've wasted countless years in vain when i foolishly believed my existence somehow had a meaning.
Not necessarily, no. I can't speak for everyone of course, but it's important for me to have some sort of meaning tied to my death, otherwise that kind of feels pointless too. I'm not choosing to CTB for a lack of meaning or enjoyment, I'm going because I've been profoundly hurt by life (IE other humans), thus I'm in pain, exhausted and sick and I don't trust it to stop any time soon.
 
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RemainingDubious

RemainingDubious

All of these lies are not worth fighting for
Feb 18, 2024
309
it's important for me to have some sort of meaning tied to my death, otherwise that kind of feels pointless too.
Your death will have a meaning to you since:

I'm not choosing to CTB for a lack of meaning or enjoyment, I'm going because I've been profoundly hurt by life (IE other humans), thus I'm in pain, exhausted and sick and I don't trust it to stop any time soon.
i can completely relate. In my experience "life" = suffering. As time passes me by i only really acquire more regrets. i also wish i put an end to my suffering much earlier since it hasn't been worth sticking around this long.

i've wasted countless years in vain searching for reasons to exist. 🀦🏻

Recently people who selfishly want me to stick around so they don't "miss" me, have viewed my choices as stupid, but they haven't known just how done i am with existing. They haven't known that trying to help others have a better experience could have potentially got me to a point i'd stick around.
 
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DeathSkullDude1

DeathSkullDude1

Member
Jun 2, 2024
17
i'm not sure πŸ€” What good is meaning? What is it actually worth? πŸ€”

Kurt Cobain is one of my favourite artists, but there's people who don't know he ever existed. There are people who view him as an overrated junkie.

Was he a good son? A good husband? A good father? A good friend? πŸ€” The opinion of what people think about him, even the opinions of those he loved most, no long matter to him. In the bigger picture did his art ever really matter? πŸ€”πŸ€·πŸ»
In the grand scheme of things, nothing we ever done and will do will matter.
 
L

lizzywizzy09

Specialist
May 11, 2024
361
I don't care anymore. I surround myself with things I enjoy while I wait to ctb and that's all I care about.
 
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MyChoiceAlone

MyChoiceAlone

sleep deprived and/or drunk
Jul 23, 2023
1,169
i'd really like to read your post. i will. just read the title. for people that feel that they have a meaning : I'm glad. how to find a meaning is kind of rough. i'm lost through pain. i'm sorry you are here and am sorry i have no answers (well i didn't read more than title). i will though. just feel like crap atm. you prob know...
 

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