How do you feel about your own suicide?

[ikadasui]

Anger, sadness, resentfulness and despair really. If I had been born under different circumstances maybe I too could have been blind to the horrors of reality and just enjoyed life. The things I want though are beyond my reach, new body, new personality etc. I don't want to live to see the few people I do have completely turn their back on me and it's already starting

 

[Remember-Me-Not]

I think I am mourning for myself like how I would mourn for others— a strange, empty sadness and the knowledge that I have to accept what happened because death is inevitable. C'est la vie; 仕方がない; 어쩔수 없어; such is life; it can't be helped.

Those are all phrases I would use to describe this feeling.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Meh .... it's fine. Soon to be over.

Yeah it feels kind of like a chore I keep pushing off. I will be glad once it is finally over.

I feel kind of...nothing, I guess. I think about it a lot. How easy it would be for me. It neither scares or excites me. Some irritation with myself that I feel obligated to wait until my Dad passes. I don't *at all* want him to die, don't get me wrong. I agreed with myself a long time ago that I would wait because I didn't want to hurt my parents. Now Mom is gone, so he is the only reason I'm still sticking around even though everything is awful.

That sounds rough. Living for others is not easy and it feels unfair. I told myself to try and make it to 30. But I just can't take it anymore. A few years is not going to make a difference. I am just glad that I figured this out before becoming old and bitter.

 

[Chronicillness]

Indifferent. I'm scared. I don't want to die.

 

[WonderingSoul]

Looking forward to it.

 

[Mixo]

I used to feel upset about having to die like this. I don't know why - might be all the illness I suffer with everyday, but I think I've reached a stage of acceptance about it. That's not to say sometimes I still don't feel sad or cry about everything that led me here because life isn't fair, yadda yadda, blah blah, etc. But I just know I did my best to get through it all and went through a lot of bullshit, abuse, pain, suffering. Another emotion I often feel is relief. Relief that the suffering is going to stop and lastly, hope - but not hope in the same way that most individuals would think i.e. the hope to keep going. I just hope I'll be forgiven. By whom? By "God" (whatever that is) and by my parents, despite the fact that they are kind of garbage.

 

[AstroV]

Neutral..

 

[Kiadry]

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

So true! The feeling of relief, knowing that there is a solution to my problems. Since I've realized this, I've been at peace, I'm approaching ctb with calm and systematic planning (making sure there won't be a second attempt)

It's interesting that you say your external circumstances/ life is great. This is rarely the case when someone ctb's, though it's not unheard of. It could be helpful to know what you mean more specifically when you say that your body/brain don't want to play along- maybe people here might have some ideas that could be helpful. This sounds like there may be some hope in your situation, though you would know better than anyone if there really is.

Personally, I don't think it's that rare of a context (but I might be wrong, of course). I think I'm in a similar position as TA555, I have a loving family, friends who care about me and a job I love. From the exterior all looks perfect, I'd be a hypocrite to say otherwise. But being intersex and transgender made me feel I don't belong anywhere in this world, I feel indescribable pain being in this body, I despise every little inch of it and I've been waiting for 20 years to find a (hopefully) painless solution to ctb. Years of suffering ripped off me every piece of emotion I could ever feel; everything is pointless, anhedonic, and continuing living would just prolong the torture.

 

[Someone123]

So true! The feeling of relief, knowing that there is a solution to my problems. Since I've realized this, I've been at peace, I'm approaching ctb with calm and systematic planning (making sure there won't be a second attempt)

Personally, I don't think it's that rare of a context (but I might be wrong, of course). I think I'm in a similar position as TA555, I have a loving family, friends who care about me and a job I love. From the exterior all looks perfect, I'd be a hypocrite to say otherwise. But being intersex and transgender made me feel I don't belong anywhere in this world, I feel indescribable pain being in this body, I despise every little inch of it and I've been waiting for 20 years to find a (hopefully) painless solution to ctb. Years of suffering ripped off me every piece of emotion I could ever feel; everything is pointless, anhedonic, and continuing living would just prolong the torture.

I*t is true that ourt society really doens't have a plan for people who are born intersex, and that doesn't make sense. Have you tried to find acceptance in the transgender community? I have heard that Jamie Lee Curtis was born intersex, but more female and she had surgery to essentially become completely female. If this is the sole reason I do wonder if the transgender community might help- there may be dating sites that could help. I also remember about about some kind of convention when people born in a similar way were able to meet others who have a similar situation, and that it helped some people, but this may be too open for some people considring how much our society can punish people with smaller differences even. There may be a solution> Having family, friends, and a job you love are pretty big successes. I just wonder if there may be a solution. Best of luck finding peace however is best for you, though.

 

[Kiadry]

I*t is true that ourt society really doens't have a plan for people who are born intersex, and that doesn't make sense. Have you tried to find acceptance in the transgender community? I have heard that Jamie Lee Curtis was born intersex, but more female and she had surgery to essentially become completely female. If this is the sole reason I do wonder if the transgender community might help- there may be dating sites that could help. I also remember about about some kind of convention when people born in a similar way were able to meet others who have a similar situation, and that it helped some people, but this may be too open for some people considring how much our society can punish people with smaller differences even. There may be a solution> Having family, friends, and a job you love are pretty big successes. I just wonder if there may be a solution. Best of luck finding peace however is best for you, though.

Thank you for your kind words and support, I really appreciate!I didn't know about Jamie Lee Curtis, I'll dig a bit into that. Me too, I live my life as female (tomboy like, to balance it out), as it's just easier from a social perspective.
Your comment on dating is spot on. For me it's impossible to date someone, so that doesn't help either. To put it simply, I cannot stand someone touching me (while I crave it like hell). I was sexually molested as a child, followed by years of having doctors hands on me, to satisfy their medical curiosity for, I cite "I've never had a case like yours", I felt and I feel like a hideous monster, never belonging, forever outcast. This feeling of injustice of some sort, like I pulled the little straw of life, eats at me every day... if only I was born male, or female, or gay or simply trans, whatever goes (and I know, this wouldn't solve all the problems by default, hence this site, but this is how I feel). I have tried medication, psych, yoga, self acceptance... to no avail, in the end of the day it's still me in my room with my body (and my broken mind). Community acceptance is fine, but it can only do that much, it cannot heal deep rooted trauma and bad neural paths that come with.
On the other hand, I did find peace and solace knowing humane solutions do exist (to a certain extent), the only thing I have to solve is how to deal with my family. Just the thought of causing them pain tears me apart, so it's a typical catch 22 dilemma, torn between their pain and mine...
Anyways, I don't want to talk much about me, I needed to vent it out for once (*relief sigh*). Thank you for hearing me out, this community is a blessing.

 

[anywherebuthere]

I never would've guessed that this would be my way out .. but life has really become unbearable & cruel. What sucks the most is I'm a good person , never had any ill intentions towards anybody . I just don't get it . I had decided to give myself another few months to wait it out and possibly reconsider or wait for life to be somewhat bare able again . But , I'm back on here aren't I ? I hate to have to leave my family , but I can no longer continue living for them . I am miserable .

 

[Rustysoupcan]

I'm honestly frustrated. I do have a good life and I could probably do a lot if I was a normal person. But I'm not, so ctb it is.

 

[Crim3s]

It may not be related, but i used to tell a friend i wanted to do it and i couldn't understand her reaction (sad) even after i said i didn't said it because i was sad but just tired of life. But recalling i guess if i had a life upon me i wouldn't want to be involved in a suicide. I hadn't had thought about the weight the statement has on other people. i just wished i didn't have to pass away lonley

 

[wanttodie]

Looking forward to ending my life

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I never would've guessed that this would be my way out .. but life has really become unbearable & cruel. What sucks the most is I'm a good person , never had any ill intentions towards anybody . I just don't get it .

Unfortunately being kind hearted makes you vulnerable to others who will relentlessly exploit you. People are scary. They are really good at sniffing out weakness. That is why everyone in positions of power are sociopaths. It is impossible to climb the ladder of life without being ruthless. I rather just die than continuously suffer at the hand of others.

I just hope I'll be forgiven. By whom? By "God" (whatever that is) and by my parents, despite the fact that they are kind of garbage.

There is nothing to forgive. It is your life and your choice. We were brought into this world without any say, raised by garbage parents, mistreated by strangers and alienated by society. None of us asked for this shitty life. I hate the fact that I have to ctb but it is a better alternative than living in pain and agony for decades on end.

 

[Wingspan]

Calm, pragmatic; neither excited nor scared.

 

[OnlyTheWind]

I feel bitter and disappointed that my life hasn't worked out the way I wanted it to. A little anxiety, but other than that, I don't really care.

 

[medjooled11]

All I can ever think of is disappointment. I am utterly disappointed in myself.

I have the potential to turn my life around, but I simply can't. There are people who certainly have it much worse.

It's as if I can see the end of the road, the goal, the solution, but I can't get there. I'm trying so hard.

I try not to think about it at all because it is too overwhelming, even though my time is coming to an end.