How do you feel about your own suicide?

[sadeyesWA]

I'm scared that I'll botch another attempt. I'm sad for the people adjacent to me, but also furious that they think they know what's best. I think that's a little greedy but understandable. I don't want to stop hurting so much as I just want to stop.

 

[trulyfeelhopeless]

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

Every single one of those. This is my biggest fear as well. Need to find a fool proof way to ctb because it just hurts so much

 

[mangomango]

hii!

I kind of feel guilty about the people I will leave behind, but Im mostly anxious that I will botch the attempt. Which method are you using? I'm currently looking for a reliable and (hopefully) painless way to go

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

 

[Fadeawaaaay]

I feel profoundly embarrassed that my lifelong confusion and incompetence has led me to squander so many astonishing opportunities and delivered me to this ignominious place…

 

[FuneralCry]

Suicide is the only thing that feels right to me, I want to die at a time of my own choosing. I want nothing to do with life and nothing would ever make me want to live. When I think of being dead, it is such a comforting thought. Death is freedom from all suffering and I know I belong in the nothingness. For me it is fear of failure and a lack of peaceful/reliable exit that holds me back. I wish suicide was easier but more than anything I wish I was never born in the first place.

 

[Crazy4u]

I feel numb and empty most of the time. Sometimes I feel sorry for all the efforts and fake smiles I thought would improve my life. I was so naive and delusional

 

[wait-for-the-bus]

How you feel about your own suicide is a pretty profound question.

I feel a certain resigned inevitability to the fact that some day I will CTB.

When I was about 15 I tried to kill myself by hanging. It failed obviously. But it left a feeling that it was always going to be part of my life. CTB was inevitable in the same way that retirement is. But it was not real, just a vague notion.

But things changed recently.

I woke up with the sense of urgency that I needed to start planning for it. Not that it was going to happen today, tomorrow of even next year. But I needed to be ready for it by planning the means, the locations, choices like public, private or even broadcast, about who finds me and will there be a note or just a mystery.

I have this curious feeling that I will just wake up one day and say - it's now! I grab my ready and waiting CTB bag with the gear I have tested and need, arrive at the designated location and CTB.

This is one of the reasons I have joined this site to talk about feelings like this and, if I can, provide support to members of the community.

 

[RaccoonTrash]

I wish I didn't have anyone that was close to me that I would hurt with my passing, but the pain I have from a childhood of abuse, and the guilt I have from letting it hurt someone else, is too much to bear. I just wish I could have succeeded before things got the way they were, I've wanted to be gone for over a decade now but in trying to disappear I have always found people that needed me to stay around, I am forever thankful for their presence, but I don't want all their progress as humans growing and dealing with their pain to be torn down because I couldn't take it anymore. I just want them to be happy because I can't be.

 

[Cherry xoxo]

I feel completely broken, recently there have been quite a few suicides of really young people around me and seeing how it hurt their families has really been playing on my mind because I know my death will really hurt my family.

Knowing I won't be here for much longer gives me a sense of relief because I truly feel like I have nothing left to live for

 

[eternalmelancholy]

How you feel about your own suicide is a pretty profound question.

I feel a certain resigned inevitability to the fact that some day I will CTB.

I woke up with the sense of urgency that I needed to start planning for it. Not that it was going to happen today, tomorrow of even next year. But I needed to be ready for it by planning the means, the locations, choices like public, private or even broadcast, about who finds me and will there be a note or just a mystery.

I think it is an important question we should all ask our selves. Unfortunately society tries to silence any discussion about suicide. Which only isolates and drives people further into depression.

If you are sure you will eventually ctb then it is crucial to plan ahead now. So when things get truly unbearable you are able to fall back on a reliable method of escape. People botch their attempts and end up disfigured or crippled because they missed this key component of research and planning.

Being able to freely talk about this is very important. It is not a crime to think about suicide. It is not a crime to talk about suicide. No matter how much society tries to say otherwise.

 

[wait-for-the-bus]

Thank you for your note - I really appreciate it. I agree about planning ahead because its too easy to botch it up.
Again thank you for your note.

 

[TeaPloom]

Fearful that I'll mess it up, but I've been at this place many times so it's numb. The days leading up to it are very emotional. I get angry for messing my life up, I feel sad that I won't ever be worth a damn to anyone despite how hard I try. But when it's time again, I think I'll be hopeful and confident I won't mess it up.

 

[Choco]

I just accepted that I will die kinda frustrated by the things I didn´t do. Feel kinda scared of the other side. But It is just the way things turned out.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Fearful that I'll mess it up, but I've been at this place many times so it's numb. The days leading up to it are very emotional. I get angry for messing my life up, I feel sad that I won't ever be worth a damn to anyone despite how hard I try. But when it's time again, I think I'll be hopeful and confident I won't fuck it up.

A lot of us here have had failed attempts. Some of us were lucky enough to not sustain any serious injuries. Others were not as fortunate. This is what happens when access to information and materials is heavily censored. People will resort to dangerous and violent methods as a result.

I think confidence comes from planning and practice. Overcoming SI is a skill that can be learned through repeated exposure.

 

[TeaPloom]

A lot of us here have had failed attempts. Some of us were lucky enough to not sustain any serious injuries. Others were not as fortunate. This is what happens when access to information and materials is heavily censored. People will resort to dangerous and violent methods as a result.

I think confidence comes from planning and practice. Overcoming SI is a skill that can be learned through repeated exposure.

Luckily my SI is gone, hopefully I find a method that is peaceful and not as gruesome as my last ones.

 

[Choco]

Luckily my SI is gone, hopefully I find a method that is peaceful and not as gruesome as my last ones.

If It´s not too personal, how did you overcome it?

 

[TeaPloom]

If It´s not too personal, how did you overcome it?

Over the course of multiple attempts it's just ceased to exist. Mine was pretty minimal to begin with. I actually didn't know about the SI being a barrier until a doctor made a joke about me not having an SI due to how I stabbed myself once. The only reasons I've been foiled was mainly due to the methods I used being faulty/being found before I was gone.

 

[A_miStake_of_NATURE]

Positively

 

[eternalmelancholy]

If It´s not too personal, how did you overcome it?

I think it is different for everybody. Once I started to actively plan out my suicide my SI started decreasing. I've had failed attempts in the past although most of them were trial runs. After awhile you become more comfortable with the idea of dying. I also read a lot about celebrity suicides which I find fascinating for some reason.

 

[Ta555]

It's interesting that you say your external circumstances/ life is great. This is rarely the case when someone ctb's, though it's not unheard of. It could be helpful to know what you mean more specifically when you say that your body/brain don't want to play along- maybe people here might have some ideas that could be helpful. This sounds like there may be some hope in your situation, though you would know better than anyone if there really is.

I have a medical condition but I'm not going to give details because of everything that's happened. I've been to every specialist you can think of. I'm just waiting now to see what happens. It might get better. I just don't know how long I can wait.

I know that the act itself will be unimaginably liberating, but I feel compelled to justify myself. I'm anxious to get that done properly, in truth.

I know what you mean about wanting to justify yourself. I feel the same because I feel like I'm letting everyone down if I CTB. Like I didn't 'try hard enough' to everyone's liking. But I'm tired. I just want some peace. I just want to not suffer.

 

[*Psyche*]

A mix of emotions but mostly a deep sadness at being so isolated from everyone even though there are still people around me and deep anger for being such a significant failure at everything I do. I don't want to go, honestly, but it's that or continue to let my mind and health decline more rapidly with each passing day. I wish I had truly meant something to someone other than a sentiment or two, but I don't.

I honestly feel the same way. Every. Single. Word. That's exactly my life to a tee. I feel for you, dear ❤

 

[dropintheocean]

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

May I ask your method?

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I know that the act itself will be unimaginably liberating, but I feel compelled to justify myself. I'm anxious to get that done properly, in truth.

Whatever reasons you have to ctb is enough. You don't owe an explanation and you don't have to justify yourself to anyone. Talking about the reasons why does help alleviate some of the built up tension. Maybe that is why we joined this community. So we can have an honest conversation about this.

May I ask your method?

My method is N. After my previous failed attempt at partial hanging I realized I needed a method I can actually go through with.

 

[Kobusu]

Excited. Knowing myself I'll do it really dramatically, maybe even in a funny way. Tell a final joke or play the Pac-Man death sound right as I do it. There's so many possibilities, it's invigorating. Thinking about how I'll try again gets me through half my nights.

 

[Unicornsrnot4dislife]

I know it is the right thing, but still it saddens me. The people I'll leave behind and the long term ramifications on my children. And yet, a part of me is content with knowing that I'll die soon. I don't know really….

 

[Butterflyfree]

This is an interesting question I have not seen been asked quite like this before.

Endless number of combinations of every human emotions comes to mind. I think we all go through the whole spectrum that changes as time passes.

I think of my own departure more like a trip ... perhaps into unknown, but life is unknown too. What I do know is that I cannot stay ... I am too alone, too sad and too broken to continue. The grief and guilt are overwhelming. It is matter of dignity that I 'light my own candle' while I still can. Recognizing that time is up and being able to exit with dignity is, in my view, a privilege.

@D&D This is absolutely beautiful and how I feel too.

I think of my own departure more like a trip ... perhaps into unknown, but life is unknown too. What I do know is that I cannot stay ... I am too alone, too sad and too broken to continue. The grief and guilt are overwhelming. It is matter of dignity that I 'light my own candle' while I still can. Recognizing that time is up and being able to exit with dignity is, in my view, a privilege.

 

[Noctis]

Some days, it feels scary and I don't like thinking about it.

Some days, it's the only thing I think about. I think about all the different ways to do it. I bounce between wanting to go painlessly and easily and wanting a slow, tortuous and painful death because that's what I deserve.

By now, it feels weird to imagine dying any other way. I've held off on CTB for so long, but it's like there was always this voice in the back of my head reminding me that I will kill myself eventually.

 

[ENDOFTIME]

Meh .... it's fine. Soon to be over.

 

[KTbear]

Do you feel sad, angry or resentful? How do you feel about being driven to this point in the first place? I think I am actually relieved that I found a reliable way to die. My biggest fear was botching an attempt.

I feel kind of...nothing, I guess. I think about it a lot. How easy it would be for me. It neither scares or excites me. Some irritation with myself that I feel obligated to wait until my Dad passes. I don't *at all* want him to die, don't get me wrong. I agreed with myself a long time ago that I would wait because I didn't want to hurt my parents. Now Mom is gone, so he is the only reason I'm still sticking around even though everything is awful.

 

[arnd]

A bit of frustration at how little control one can exhort in the circumstances of their passing. A bit of aversion to the physical pain and some fear of failing, although I think a lot of that comes from the deceitful SI. Wholeheartedly at peace with my choice, as I know I have given everything I had and there is nothing left in this life for me.