Well, basically the main reason I'm ending my hellish existence is because I am already trapped in an undesirable flesh prison that I cannot identify with. (This has also lead to a loss of so many other things and basic human comfort.)
I am requesting no wake, no funeral, straight to the oven...never mind an open casket! Yikes. I am already disturbed by people looking at me when I'm alive, but I guess it's less difficult for me to look that much worse dead, than someone who prides themselves on their appearance whilst alive. I see the appeal, but I don't have the luxury of indulging it.
Still, I suppose I am concerned about whoever finds me, seeing me, or of my wishes not being respected (terrified of that).
I don't want to be ogled with no consciousness for an ability to hide. I do worry that authorities will document my corpse in some way or they will be someone I know, who I would never want to come anywhere near me or invade my privacy.
But I am not going to make any impossible effort to look "nice" on my death bed or concern myself with the aftermath of my rotting corpse. Which, btw, has somewhat fair odds of actually starting to rot before anyone forces their way past my door. Conditions may become quite grotesque, before I am off to the morgue.
The thing is, I have to choose between that or risking being found early and succumbing to involuntary hospitalization or worse, brain damage. If I alert anyone, even in a subtextual way or say anything that may cause them to come over here and check up on me, there is a chance they will get here too soon. I'd rather them get here too late than too soon. I'm probably going to empty my room into another one, so that any rot or smell doesn't seep into too much of my surroundings. Maybe I will put a suitable cover over the bed or strip it down to the plastic mattress cover. Idk. Preparation is already exhausting enough as it is. I wish I could just disappear too, it's something I say often now.
