nicetomeetu
Phantom of the Past
- Jan 4, 2021
- 26
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it helped me so much, but it's not really the crutch it used to be anymore. there is not enough to get me through the day so i just don't even botherI self harm as a last resort if I need to calm down or relax. I have loads of scars but don't even bother to try and hide them anymore. Your scars tell your story.
I do cover fresh cuts though, mainly because I don't want to upset my dad.
It does hurt and not just physical pain. You're left with guilt for doing it. Self harm brings with it a life of hiding and lying to those closest to you, and even strangers. And as with everything it gets more extreme. My advice would be don't do it. Having to go to a burns unit, waiting with babies and children that have life changing injuries because of stuff that wasn't their fault and you knowing that you did it to yourself is seriously sobering and not a nice experience. When I started this I thought I was the only person to do something so awful to themselves. I was 11 then and 40 now and the only thing that's changed is how bad my injuries are and more and more I need medical intervention. I feel lucky that I have only had a handful of people in my time judge me negatively in the hospital but I know that's not the case for many people. The shame that follows me round is palpable. I promise you it will only add to your misery don't do it!!I hope you've been faring better since the last self-harm lapse. At first, I did it to punish myself, but it later became a stress-reliever. It numbed and relaxed me. The pain was like a sedative. I haven't self-harmed since March 2020.
stygal
meow
- Oct 29, 2020
- 1,729
I harmed myself in every possible way imaginable except for taking a blade and cutting into my skin.
I let my ex cut me with a blade once just to see how it feels and I didn't feel the relieve most people describe that they are having so I never followed up with cutting myself as well.
Hello, I'm new here and just wanted to say I have never before heard someone describe so accurately self harm, I don't think your a weirdo at all, the release has been for me, quite addicting. Anyway your post resonated with me.
Øystein
Can't cope
- Apr 24, 2020
- 81
After reading your post I let out a loud sigh of relief. Thank you for saying this.I have a tourniquet, I enjoy putting pins into my veins and seeing blood trickle out. That's the only self harm I have doneSelf harm is usually a last resort for me nowadays, where my emotions are so intense I literally feel like there's nothing else I can do to help relieve them. I think it's mainly cos I'm lazy, I hate the whole clean up process. I've self harmed twice in the last 2 months and before then it wasn't since last July.
*the last month sorry
AN IDIOT'S END
Death to the World
- Feb 24, 2021
- 39
I self harm because I can't stand all the guilt I feel that I will never be able to make up for...
The last time I cut myself was a week ago I think?
I usually feel pretty good afterwards. I don't want to encourage anyone else to do it. If my cuts get 1 cm deeper I'd have to get stitches every time.
That's the big problem with cutting. Eventually, you'll be able to just rip open your skin without a care in the world and have to visit the ER. And it won't even feel that good because you'll be so used to it.
Hirokami
Out of order
- Feb 21, 2021
- 607
It helped me quite a bit when I used to do it, though it quickly became a crutch. I used to cut myself at every minor inconvenience. Every argument. Every failure. It was comforting. The blades didn't judge me, unlike others.
Rustysoupcan
I'm sensitive
- May 2, 2020
- 242
I've been self harming for about 8 years. I dont remember exactly why I started, but now I'll just do it when I feel bad or bored. I'll go months without doing it when I'm feeling well, but I have never actually wanted to stop. I dont think self harm is *that* bad. If you go very deep or cause a lot of harm to yourself that's not good, but at least for me I just do very superficial cuts and they never get infected and heal just fine. I think it's just another coping skill and tbh I dont see why it's such a big deal.
lofticries
obedear
- Feb 27, 2021
- 1,469
So, why did you self harm? Only did it whenever I was angry never just depressed. If I did it out of pure depression my whole body would be covered in scars right now. I did it because I wanted let some of my anger out on something. To punish myself as well.
For how long have you been self harm free? 4 years. Though I was tempted to cut on Christmas. Broke glass and everything but reminded myself I'd just end up with more ugly scars. So knocked my ass out with sleeping pills and called it a night.
How do you feel after self harming? Relief because the pain actually calmed me down from being so pissed but soon regret after seeing the scars and knowing that they'll most likely be with me until I die. Also the embarrassment at the thought of someone seeing them.
Carrotcake
Experienced
- Nov 27, 2019
- 265
It started around 6 years ago, and I still do from time to time. The pain/feeling helps to keep me grounded when I'm really overwhelmed/desperate/suicidal.
Im just very uncomfortable about it, never really share it with others. I'm afraid of the judgement, the stigma around it.
Every once in a while I have to discuss it with a new therapist/psychiatrist and it's just terrible.
Tkmiz_Tsukumizu
Specialist
- Feb 3, 2021
- 320
I regret my scars I put on my body but at the time I was in a lot of pain and wanted to punish myself.
I haven't cut in about 2 months, after self harming I feel an almost euphoric and pleasing sensation then extreme embarrassment and pain, physically of course.
popcorn
Experienced
- Dec 20, 2020
- 298
i used to punch solid walls when i was drunk and upset until bones were broken and my knuckles were destroyed, would feel an immediate release of rage and despair
grew out of it a few years ago
TheHatedOne
Death is salvation
- Sep 26, 2021
- 2,028
I self harm because pain is the only thing I deserve, I'm worthless and nothing good comes out of me, I shouldn't have existed in the first place.
I had a phase in my teenage years where I would cut constantly. After 17 until some months ago (20) I haven't self harmed at all.
After self harming i feel better as I feel I gave myself the right treatment.
FuneralCry
Just wanting some peace
- Sep 24, 2020
- 46,809
For me, just being alive is a form of self harm, as living is very painful. I do not physically self harm, but I understand that it is a way for others to cope with the pain this life gives them.
Aeathelina
Little Homeless Girl
- Feb 5, 2020
- 307
So, why do you self harm? Because I feel that I deserve to feel the pain , a physical reminder that I deserve what pain I receive because I outlived welcome in this world
For how long have you been self harm free? a week clean, probably relapse soon due to issues
How do you feel after self harming? i feel numb, then pain and then sadness because for a clear moment I see what my life has become
Rayzieka
Not Really Here
- Apr 28, 2021
- 637
I've mainly done it during psychotic episodes but other times I've been angry or wanting to feel something else.
Something about it is calming. Not great for anyone though especially if you do it often. I've never done it in obvious areas but anyone I'm romantically involved with ends up seeing and it's a big risk for me to expose it to someone I care about for the first time. I've had people lose interest over it, and others be too interested in it. The scarring has gotten to the point where I almost don't feel in the areas I've been doing it for years. I've considered harming other areas and have done a few small things to see how badly those areas will scar and decided it would be too obvious. The only remarkable scars in visible areas would be from the few times I've lost all consideration for the consequences. They fortunately look like scars from scratching bug bites and not like self-harm.
Visits to the ER over self-harm have also been very unpleasant and always result in me being committed.
Ryscatto
Member
- Dec 5, 2021
- 7
For me, I can self harm for a number of reasons. Oddly enough, I actually hate the pain and it is one thing that stops me doing it. Sometimes I self harm by hitting myself in the head or banging my head on the wall because I have lost control of myself (I believe this is related to my autism). This is something I have done since childhood. It's basically a very negative and damaging stim and it sucks because I end up with a headache for days afterwards. When I cut, it's usually because I am having a feeling like I am fake and need to see that I can still bleed to prove that I am real. Seeing my blood grounds me. I have also fucked around with lighters/fire but don't get much out of this.
I haven't self harmed since October, and even then it was just a few shallow cuts because there was something stopping me from going further. I dunno what it was. But I am glad that I haven't self harmed since then because it can become a very addicting behaviour and hard to stop once you have started.
How I feel afterwards depends on what I've done. Any sort of head banging/hitting leaves me feeling like shit. After I cut I just feel extremely calm. It's not a good thing though, and there are better ways of achieving that calm feeling.I can't help it. I have traumatic memories and feel densititized and need to be out of the room with the rape-shaming bully that likes Jesus, women in submssion, lazy subs, women who roll over like dogs and say ok to master and feel disgusted. Self harm to me is DRINKING. I drink to be away from my unwanted company. My pressuring, coercive, fascist bully invisible man friend who doesn't want me to think that anything has ever happened to me. IT wants everything to smell like roses. For her friends to be "nice people". For me to stop accusing her husband of being a sex offender. Self harm to me, is a way to leave the abuser that lives in a black and white television set - honor culture. Women who stand by their man. People who are much too traditional and interested in male entitlement and respect from women and children - for "what they have"? .
I've never been into cutting. I've damaged my own television (threw my hamper at it while drinking) and other personal property (pictures, nick-nacks) feeling stuck in my room drinking after bullying. My bullying is "imagined" also. Nothing - I mean NOTHING has ever happened to me. Nobody's ever put a hand on me. Nobody's ever hit me. That's why I get to go to a psych ward. I apparently "did all of this to myself".
I don't generally harm myself - really. I don't generally "Kill MYSELF" either. Unless it's a sensation of "I'm not the person doing this". I don't generally have any interest in hurting myself. I don't want to hurt others. When I go into a trance - I'm not even there. It's lke hypnosis and being someone else. More than 1. It's horrible. I'm currently in that state. It's the longest time I've ever felt this way.
I believe in honor killing and bad energy and spreading yourself into others and influencing their behaviors. I believe that generations of values from families can pass down onto others and that suicide is generally not an accident. Neither is self-harm. Truly. I'm crazy. I have very different values from the norm.
I've got my reasons.I started SH around three years ago, minor and now cutting and the occasional tying a ligature.
God the release when I'm having a hard time, or can't cope with emotions is euphoric to me.
when I'm numb it can make me feel for a while.
When I'm feeling guilt and not worthy of anything, I feel obliged to hurt myself.
I'm very much based on emotions. I use to do it daily, when going through the peak of everything (bereavement and mental health). But I was about 4 months clean and then on Tuesday I did it like three separate occasions. It was my mums anniversary.
So I'm 2 days clean rn x
Antigonish
Mage
- Sep 19, 2020
- 593
I feel you. When I was about 17, I self harmed constantly, literally multiple times every day. But after about 22, I wanted to rejoin society and was ashamed of the scars that I knew would never disappear. So I stopped or at least slowed down because of fear of social stigma. Now I feel the need again and am starting back now, at 25. I kinda feel like i'm ready to ctb. Cause the cuts dont work like they should, unless I cut deeper. And that just hurts. No pleasure, no numbness, just more pain and plastic.
I always used to say, "The sting lets me know I'm alive". Yet, the stings gone, now. Tolerance, I guess. Basically, I'm already dead.
kurisutinabestgirl
Kurisu is best girl
- Oct 14, 2021
- 83
It's nice and everything, I have done it quite a bit, but then the anxiety about people seeing your scars just make everything 10x worse. Can't win :/
GlassAlwaysEmpty
Red Grapes only
- Jun 22, 2020
- 111
I self harmed quite a lot when I was in my early twenties.
I haven't done it for properly for probably about 4-5 years now.
It did help, and the only reason I stopped doing it as much as I did was because I'm left with some pretty severe scaring, some of which are hard to cover up.
I've had a few people notice them before, and even make comments on them.Similar threads
