Help How do you cope with overwhelming loneliness?

[lastappleonearth]

I think I'm running out of methods to help me cope or at least distract myself enough from this overbearing loneliness, which I feel. I know that for a lot of ppl (prob not on here, but in general), loneliness and the feelings that come with it are hard to comprehend and might seem superficial, but idk, I truly feel pain. My thoughts constantly revolve around my loneliness, it's as I was in some sort of never ending physical and mental distress. I think of the people, who once where in my live and who meant so much to me and who are here no longer and I just can't stop thinking abt that, I made so many mistakes and now I have no one. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't fall asleep without taking a Xanax beforehand.

So, is there anything, which rlly helped u?

 

[hdead]

If you ever find an answer, let me know. I cope by trying to meet people on here so I feel at least understood. I have people around me, albeit at a distance and most are a lot older - which kinda tricks my brain into believing I'm not as alone as I am. But loneliness is a burden, one that is not easy or light to carry at all. I'm sorry, I wish I had something better to tell you.

 

[fluorescentpearl]

So, is there anything, which rlly helped u?

I used to buy a plushie every single time I got lonely, until my bedroom was overflowing with them, and I gave my bed to let them sleep and I'd sleep on the floor, it worked for a while until I met people again and realized how detached and broken I was, then I switched to doing everything I could to fake myself, be the person everyone would want me to be, never say my opinion until they say theirs so I can agree, it worked for a few years, I had "friends" and a great "life" and yet I js kept rotting inside the more I was alone, I haven't found a solution to it yet, I have hope I will maybe

 

[lastappleonearth]

I used to buy a plushie every single time I got lonely, until my bedroom was overflowing with them, and I gave my bed to let them sleep and I'd sleep on the floor, it worked for a while until I met people again and realized how detached and broken I was, then I switched to doing everything I could to fake myself, be the person everyone would want me to be, never say my opinion until they say theirs so I can agree, it worked for a few years, I had "friends" and a great "life" and yet I js kept rotting inside the more I was alone, I haven't found a solution to it yet, I have hope I will maybe

I'd need to buy lots of plushies then I think, I had a lot of them when I was a child, my fav one was a giant pig. But I think I get what u mean, if u are desperate for connection and friends and then end up meeting ppl, who are mby not right for u, u prob tend to become too agreeable just to not lose them bcs u know how it is without anyone. I'm always telling myself that loneliness and desperation are not good foundations for new relationships, but then how I'm supposed to get out of this, idk.
I hope u can overcome it sometime and meet ppl, with whom u don't have to mask anything

If you ever find an answer, let me know. I cope by trying to meet people on here so I feel at least understood. I have people around me, albeit at a distance and most are a lot older - which kinda tricks my brain into believing I'm not as alone as I am. But loneliness is a burden, one that is not easy or light to carry at all. I'm sorry, I wish I had something better to tell you.

If I ever somehow overcome it, I'll let u know. Ig it also depends a lot on personal circumstances and mby there's nothing general which can be applied to everyone, who suffers from loneliness. Idk, it's a vicious cycle, I think being with ur own thoughts all the time generally isn't healthy, at least not for me, it just makes me uncomfortable with myself.
I also hope u get to feel better and less alone

 

[webb&flow]

loneliness and the feelings that come with it are hard to comprehend and might seem superficial, but idk, I truly feel pain.

Loneliness triggers the same brain regions as physical pain. So does rejection. The pain experienced from loneliness is real pain and not metaphorical or abstract <3 it is real pain, no doubt.

I think of the people, who once where in my live and who meant so much to me and who are here no longer and I just can't stop thinking abt that

when we feel lonely we can remember the people who used to be around and wish we had them back. In a more available environment, this twinge of pain might lead us to call a friend we haven't talked to for a few days, or to try to arrange a hangout with someone who's been busy for a week. In an environment where we feel we lack available people, this can lead to us ruminating over people who were available at one point but who we have moved apart from now. Not all of the people we look back on fondly are immediately available for a coffee. I think this can be come to terms with.

I think it is way easier to accept (and honestly, way easier to forget) if we have other people that our brain is focusing on, because the energy directed towards seeking new people or dealing with newer connections is energy that is not spent on longing that doesn't have a way to resolve. (Wanting to hang out with someone who is not available is a desire that cannot be resolved by "trying harder" to get a hangout; so we have to find other ways, less direct ones.) (There are short term and long term solutions to this ♥.)

So, is there anything, which rlly helped u?

The short term solutions would include hobbies. Reading stuff, writing things (be it random words on a piece of paper or an interesting thought you had), listening to music, doing something with your hands, going somewhere with nice sights you enjoy, et cetera.

However, a lot of short-term coping mechanisms basically amount to either distraction or suppression—I don't deny these are highly effective in the moment, but these are mere stepping stones to help us get through periods of loneliness, stepping stones that can hopefully allow us to maintain some sanity so we we will be able to take future steps for loneliness resolution ♥.

Here is just one good source for our long-term solutions:

Third place - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

In sociology, a third place is a social space separate from the two usual social environments of home ("first place") and workplace ("second place"). Examples of third places include churches, cafes, bars, clubs, libraries, gyms, bookstores, hackerspaces, stoops, parks, and theaters.

Oldenburg and Christensen's characteristics of third places

American sociologist Ray Oldenburg called one's "first place" the home and the people the person lives with. The "second place" is the workplace—where people may actually spend most of their waking time. Third places, then, are "anchors" of community life and facilitate and foster broader, more creative interaction.[2] In other words, "your third place is where you relax in public, where you encounter familiar faces and make new acquaintances."[3]

Here are some characteristics of "third places" that the article lists:

Open and inviting. You don't need an invitation or appointment, and you can come and go as you please. Comfortable and informal. You feel that you belong there. Convenient. It's close enough to visit often, ideally right in your own neighborhood. Unpretentious. Everyone is on the same level, there's nothing fancy or fragile, and it's not expensive. There are regulars. […] Conversation is the main activity. Discussion, debate, and gossip are part of the mix. Laughter is frequent. The mood is light-hearted and playful. Joking and witty banter are encouraged.

The description is a bit romantic, and it may not be 100% like that 100% of the time. But this idealized description does indeed replicate real positive aspects such places have.

A good idea is to open up Google Maps and pull up your house location or somewhere near your house, and then just scroll around and see if any places like this pop up:

bookshops, cafes, bars, libraries, coffee shops, etc.

Loneliness can be overcome. Loneliness can be overcome in the same way that hunger can be overcome. Mainly through feeding the very thing the brain is calling for ♥. It's not perfect. But truly, a little bit of connection goes a long way. And it won't be perfect; it won't be an instant panacea; but it will give you a taste of what you need, and even that taste will make empty spaces all the more sweeter. And even just exploring further and meeting more people and knowing them even a little deeper, creates a feeling of progression and narrative in your life that time in isolation can really struggle to provide.

These "third spaces" provide open social environments that both have regulars and existing social nets as well as a real openness towards new people coming in and interacting, too.

Not every coffee shop, cafe, or bookshop is a third place, by the way—some stores are not accepting of people hanging out there. That is not your fault, nor your problem. There are many buildings in society and so it's best for us to move on, and try to find one that really has the social environment you are looking for.

Once you find a third-place providing establishment, and you've seen the social environment a bit, then first of all, just enjoy yourself; hang out around there whenever you can, enjoy a good few nights, afternoons, evenings, anything you like, and just enjoy the comforting warmth and campfire of harmony with people there :).

After you've enjoyed that, then follow it with this: Make a commitment (to yourself) to go there regularly. Go there every X weekday, or on XYZ weekdays, every week. This can help you run into the same people more. You can call this a "rhythm". Sometimes you may miss your day. That's OK. People will understand that sometimes you don't stop by; it's accepted and considered a usual thing <3.

Feel free to add anything about (any of) these suggestions. I am most open to critiques, challenges, questions, clarifications, absolutely anything you like :);

 

[lastappleonearth]

Loneliness triggers the same brain regions as physical pain. So does rejection. The pain experienced from loneliness is real pain and not metaphorical or abstract <3 it is real pain, no doubt.


when we feel lonely we can remember the people who used to be around and wish we had them back. In a more available environment, this twinge of pain might lead us to call a friend we haven't talked to for a few days, or to try to arrange a hangout with someone who's been busy for a week. In an environment where we feel we lack available people, this can lead to us ruminating over people who were available at one point but who we have moved apart from now. Not all of the people we look back on fondly are immediately available for a coffee. I think this can be come to terms with.

I think it is way easier to accept (and honestly, way easier to forget) if we have other people that our brain is focusing on, because the energy directed towards seeking new people or dealing with newer connections is energy that is not spent on longing that doesn't have a way to resolve. (Wanting to hang out with someone who is not available is a desire that cannot be resolved by "trying harder" to get a hangout; so we have to find other ways, less direct ones.) (There are short term and long term solutions to this ♥.)


The short term solutions would include hobbies. Reading stuff, writing things (be it random words on a piece of paper or an interesting thought you had), listening to music, doing something with your hands, going somewhere with nice sights you enjoy, et cetera.

However, a lot of short-term coping mechanisms basically amount to either distraction or suppression—I don't deny these are highly effective in the moment, but these are mere stepping stones to help us get through periods of loneliness, stepping stones that can hopefully allow us to maintain some sanity so we we will be able to take future steps for loneliness resolution ♥.

Here is just one good source for our long-term solutions:

Third place - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Here are some characteristics of "third places" that the article lists:

The description is a bit romantic, and it may not be 100% like that 100% of the time. But this idealized description does indeed replicate real positive aspects such places have.

A good idea is to open up Google Maps and pull up your house location or somewhere near your house, and then just scroll around and see if any places like this pop up:


Loneliness can be overcome. Loneliness can be overcome in the same way that hunger can be overcome. Mainly through feeding the very thing the brain is calling for ♥. It's not perfect. But truly, a little bit of connection goes a long way. And it won't be perfect; it won't be an instant panacea; but it will give you a taste of what you need, and even that taste will make empty spaces all the more sweeter. And even just exploring further and meeting more people and knowing them even a little deeper, creates a feeling of progression and narrative in your life that time in isolation can really struggle to provide.

These "third spaces" provide open social environments that both have regulars and existing social nets as well as a real openness towards new people coming in and interacting, too.

Not every coffee shop, cafe, or bookshop is a third place, by the way—some stores are not accepting of people hanging out there. That is not your fault, nor your problem. There are many buildings in society and so it's best for us to move on, and try to find one that really has the social environment you are looking for.

Once you find a third-place providing establishment, and you've seen the social environment a bit, then first of all, just enjoy yourself; hang out around there whenever you can, enjoy a good few nights, afternoons, evenings, anything you like, and just enjoy the comforting warmth and campfire of harmony with people there :).

After you've enjoyed that, then follow it with this: Make a commitment (to yourself) to go there regularly. Go there every X weekday, or on XYZ weekdays, every week. This can help you run into the same people more. You can call this a "rhythm". Sometimes you may miss your day. That's OK. People will understand that sometimes you don't stop by; it's accepted and considered a usual thing <3.

Feel free to add anything about (any of) these suggestions. I am most open to critiques, challenges, questions, clarifications, absolutely anything you like :);

Thank you for the thoughtful and detailed reply. You are absolutely right I think in terms of longing for ppl who are not available to you no matter what you do. If I would have ppl in my life, on which I could focus my attention on or with whom I could simply just spend time together, I'd think less about past relationships and probably miss them less as well.

In terms of third spaces, I've actually just read a book, which kinda discusses this, the Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. It's a good read, I can recommend it. In my area there are unfortunately not many such places as it is pretty rural, but I think we in general, at least in western societies have a problem with the disappearance of third spaces. They for sure still exist, but I feel like they are becoming a bit rarer. Also ppl don't seem to be as open as they maybe once were anymore. If ppl are somewhere on their own, most of them are looking at their phones and are wearing headphones. I don't blame anyone for that, I tend to do the same thing. It's still possible to meet ppl tho, for example starting out online with the possibility of meeting up sometime later, if the dynamic is good. I tried that, but I got discarded too often and it pains me. I get that everyone has their reasons, but blocking someone instead of telling them what's wrong is just the easier solution for a lot of ppl. To be fair tho I also developed a relationship online for years with someone and then I fucked it up unfortunately. I just tend to dwell on those things for a long time, it's not easy for me to move on.
Thanks again for your response

 

[webb&flow]

fuck yeah Jonathan Haidt is fuckin' killer. that is some good shit fr fr!!!

I have had the pleasure of flipping through part of the Anxious Generation once. I find the Vonnegut tidbit he mentions to be absolutely hilarious, heheh.

So you clearly have an eye for social-science relating and human mind relating stuff :). That is an absolutely delicious and endless source of wellsprings of curiosity and exploration!! ^^

Good news: Our immediate self-comforts and our social engagements don't actually have to be totally separate :). If you enjoy researching stuff like this, no doubt parts of what you explore in your own time will also pop up in conversation as well, heheh >:3. It gives you more not only to talk about, but more to connect to what people say as well.

And the more people you interact with, the more you'll learn directly and—just as awesome—the more references you'll have on hand. You'll know where to look. You won't know everything, but you'll pick up hints on where you can look for what you need. I like to think that people like it when we can connect something to what they are saying. Having both a research habit as well as previous conversations and our own life experience in our back pocket really helps with this! ^^

[NOTE i am planning to write more to you, so I can cover the stuff I missed in this reply—expect more reply to come! ^^]

 

[plskilme]

I think I'm running out of methods to help me cope or at least distract myself enough from this overbearing loneliness, which I feel. I know that for a lot of ppl (prob not on here, but in general), loneliness and the feelings that come with it are hard to comprehend and might seem superficial, but idk, I truly feel pain. My thoughts constantly revolve around my loneliness, it's as I was in some sort of never ending physical and mental distress. I think of the people, who once where in my live and who meant so much to me and who are here no longer and I just can't stop thinking abt that, I made so many mistakes and now I have no one. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't fall asleep without taking a Xanax beforehand.

So, is there anything, which rlly helped u?

I usually play videogames to cope with it. I find games like pokemon help a lot. Helps me feel like I'm on a journey with a team that cares about me.

 

[enso]

I think I'm running out of methods to help me cope or at least distract myself enough from this overbearing loneliness, which I feel. I know that for a lot of ppl (prob not on here, but in general), loneliness and the feelings that come with it are hard to comprehend and might seem superficial, but idk, I truly feel pain. My thoughts constantly revolve around my loneliness, it's as I was in some sort of never ending physical and mental distress. I think of the people, who once where in my live and who meant so much to me and who are here no longer and I just can't stop thinking abt that, I made so many mistakes and now I have no one. It's gotten to the point where I sometimes can't fall asleep without taking a Xanax beforehand.

So, is there anything, which rlly helped u?

Hi!

Victor Frankl made good amount of work on topics of loneliness and meaninglessness of life. Recently I read his "Suffering from meaninglessness of life" (or Das Leiden am sinnlosen Leben) and he actually said that our life values are based on what we can give to others, what we receive from them and out attitude towards extreme events (death of the loved one's, traumas and etc.).
He actually given two ways to help to handle that feeling, and I think that it has some collision with feeling of loneliness and anxiety too:
1) dereflexion (or something like that), so...it just means that you have to move focus from yourself to external objects or processes, to stop thinking about yourself, but about what you are doing in the moment:
2) "paradoxical intention" - when it comes to your past mistakes or, most importantly, your interpretation of that mistakes, you can just try to hyperbolize them in your mind to the most strange and comedic form of past event and it's consequences. For example, just if you think, that you make/made some mistake regarding someone, just imagine the worst scenario in your head, the strangest and the worst. Sometimes it can help to easy inner tension.

For me personally answer was somewhere in philosophy of determinism, studies on human behavior and idea of "freedom of will" (I really like Robert Sapolsky's books on that topics). When I understood mechanisms of my thoughts, wishes, actions, words and etc. and understood that they were, in fact, predetermined by genetics and environment, it gave some peaceful feeling

Hope that helps at least somehow!

 

[webb&flow]

I usually play videogames to cope with it. I find games like pokemon help a lot. Helps me feel like I'm on a journey with a team that cares about me.

this thread a user here wrote is a fantastic description of how video games can positively affect someone's life:

Hope is a beautiful thing

Sorry for the wall of text, and I'm not even sure if this is the right sub-forum to post in, but it felt like this belonged here. I know most people will probably scroll past this, but I just needed to get it off my chest. It's been weighing on my mind for the longest now. I was playing a...

sanctioned-suicide.net

 

[lastappleonearth]

Loneliness triggers the same brain regions as physical pain. So does rejection. The pain experienced from loneliness is real pain and not metaphorical or abstract <3 it is real pain, no doubt.


when we feel lonely we can remember the people who used to be around and wish we had them back. In a more available environment, this twinge of pain might lead us to call a friend we haven't talked to for a few days, or to try to arrange a hangout with someone who's been busy for a week. In an environment where we feel we lack available people, this can lead to us ruminating over people who were available at one point but who we have moved apart from now. Not all of the people we look back on fondly are immediately available for a coffee. I think this can be come to terms with.

I think it is way easier to accept (and honestly, way easier to forget) if we have other people that our brain is focusing on, because the energy directed towards seeking new people or dealing with newer connections is energy that is not spent on longing that doesn't have a way to resolve. (Wanting to hang out with someone who is not available is a desire that cannot be resolved by "trying harder" to get a hangout; so we have to find other ways, less direct ones.) (There are short term and long term solutions to this ♥.)


The short term solutions would include hobbies. Reading stuff, writing things (be it random words on a piece of paper or an interesting thought you had), listening to music, doing something with your hands, going somewhere with nice sights you enjoy, et cetera.

However, a lot of short-term coping mechanisms basically amount to either distraction or suppression—I don't deny these are highly effective in the moment, but these are mere stepping stones to help us get through periods of loneliness, stepping stones that can hopefully allow us to maintain some sanity so we we will be able to take future steps for loneliness resolution ♥.

Here is just one good source for our long-term solutions:

Third place - Wikipedia

en.wikipedia.org

Here are some characteristics of "third places" that the article lists:

The description is a bit romantic, and it may not be 100% like that 100% of the time. But this idealized description does indeed replicate real positive aspects such places have.

A good idea is to open up Google Maps and pull up your house location or somewhere near your house, and then just scroll around and see if any places like this pop up:


Loneliness can be overcome. Loneliness can be overcome in the same way that hunger can be overcome. Mainly through feeding the very thing the brain is calling for ♥. It's not perfect. But truly, a little bit of connection goes a long way. And it won't be perfect; it won't be an instant panacea; but it will give you a taste of what you need, and even that taste will make empty spaces all the more sweeter. And even just exploring further and meeting more people and knowing them even a little deeper, creates a feeling of progression and narrative in your life that time in isolation can really struggle to provide.

These "third spaces" provide open social environments that both have regulars and existing social nets as well as a real openness towards new people coming in and interacting, too.

Not every coffee shop, cafe, or bookshop is a third place, by the way—some stores are not accepting of people hanging out there. That is not your fault, nor your problem. There are many buildings in society and so it's best for us to move on, and try to find one that really has the social environment you are looking for.

Once you find a third-place providing establishment, and you've seen the social environment a bit, then first of all, just enjoy yourself; hang out around there whenever you can, enjoy a good few nights, afternoons, evenings, anything you like, and just enjoy the comforting warmth and campfire of harmony with people there :).

After you've enjoyed that, then follow it with this: Make a commitment (to yourself) to go there regularly. Go there every X weekday, or on XYZ weekdays, every week. This can help you run into the same people more. You can call this a "rhythm". Sometimes you may miss your day. That's OK. People will understand that sometimes you don't stop by; it's accepted and considered a usual thing <3.

Feel free to add anything about (any of) these suggestions. I am most open to critiques, challenges, questions, clarifications, absolutely anything you like :);

Thank you for the thoughtful and detailed reply. You are absolutely right I think in terms of longing for ppl who are not available to you no matter what you do. If I would have ppl in my life, on which I could focus my attention on or with whom I could simply just spend time together, I'd think less about past relationships and probably miss them less as well.

In terms of third spaces, I've actually just read a book, which kinda discusses this, the Anxious Generation by Jonathan Haidt. It's a good read, I can recommend it. In my area there are unfortunately not many such places as it is pretty rural, but I think we in general, at least in western societies have a problem with the disappearance of third spaces. They for sure still exist, but I feel like they are becoming a bit rarer. Also ppl don't seem to be as open as they maybe once were anymore. If ppl are somewhere on their own, most of them are looking at their phones and are wearing headphones. I don't blame anyone for that, I tend to do the same thing. It's still possible to meet ppl tho, for example starting out online with the possibility of meeting up sometime later, if the dynamic is good. I tried that, but I got discarded too often and it pains me. I get that everyone has their reasons, but blocking someone instead of telling them what's wrong is just the easier solution for a lot of ppl. To be fair tho I also developed a relationship online for years with someone and then I fucked it up unfortunately. I just tend to dwell on those things for a long time, it's not easy for me to move on.
Thanks again for your response

fuck yeah Jonathan Haidt is fuckin' killer. that is some good shit fr fr!!!

I have had the pleasure of flipping through part of the Anxious Generation once. I find the Vonnegut tidbit he mentions to be absolutely hilarious, heheh.

So you clearly have an eye for social-science relating and human mind relating stuff :). That is an absolutely delicious and endless source of wellsprings of curiosity and exploration!! ^^

Good news: Our immediate self-comforts and our social engagements don't actually have to be totally separate :). If you enjoy researching stuff like this, no doubt parts of what you explore in your own time will also pop up in conversation as well, heheh >:3. It gives you more not only to talk about, but more to connect to what people say as wel

fuck yeah Jonathan Haidt is fuckin' killer. that is some good shit fr fr!!!

I have had the pleasure of flipping through part of the Anxious Generation once. I find the Vonnegut tidbit he mentions to be absolutely hilarious, heheh.

So you clearly have an eye for social-science relating and human mind relating stuff :). That is an absolutely delicious and endless source of wellsprings of curiosity and exploration!! ^^

Good news: Our immediate self-comforts and our social engagements don't actually have to be totally separate :). If you enjoy researching stuff like this, no doubt parts of what you explore in your own time will also pop up in conversation as well, heheh >:3. It gives you more not only to talk about, but more to connect to what people say as well.

And the more people you interact with, the more you'll learn directly and—just as awesome—the more references you'll have on hand. You'll know where to look. You won't know everything, but you'll pick up hints on where you can look for what you need. I like to think that people like it when we can connect something to what they are saying. Having both a research habit as well as previous conversations and our own life experience in our back pocket really helps with this! ^^

[NOTE i am planning to write more to you, so I can cover the stuff I missed in this reply—expect more reply to come! ^^]

Yeah I really liked the anxious generation, it explains a lot of stuff, many people probably feel and have experienced, but can't put into words. I honestly think that research can be very helpful in regards to one's own behavioural patterns. I generally enjoy doing research and just knowing stuff I guess, so I think in a lot of conversations I would have plenty to say, which is a good thing

Hi!

Victor Frankl made good amount of work on topics of loneliness and meaninglessness of life. Recently I read his "Suffering from meaninglessness of life" (or Das Leiden am sinnlosen Leben) and he actually said that our life values are based on what we can give to others, what we receive from them and out attitude towards extreme events (death of the loved one's, traumas and etc.).
He actually given two ways to help to handle that feeling, and I think that it has some collision with feeling of loneliness and anxiety too:
1) dereflexion (or something like that), so...it just means that you have to move focus from yourself to external objects or processes, to stop thinking about yourself, but about what you are doing in the moment:
2) "paradoxical intention" - when it comes to your past mistakes or, most importantly, your interpretation of that mistakes, you can just try to hyperbolize them in your mind to the most strange and comedic form of past event and it's consequences. For example, just if you think, that you make/made some mistake regarding someone, just imagine the worst scenario in your head, the strangest and the worst. Sometimes it can help to easy inner tension.

For me personally answer was somewhere in philosophy of determinism, studies on human behavior and idea of "freedom of will" (I really like Robert Sapolsky's books on that topics). When I understood mechanisms of my thoughts, wishes, actions, words and etc. and understood that they were, in fact, predetermined by genetics and environment, it gave some peaceful feeling

Hope that helps at least somehow!

Yes, Viktor Frankl is great, I did once read one of his books, but I don't exactly remember which it was, but I enjoyed it.
I don't know if that's specifically dereflexation, but sometimes it helps me to like remove myself from the situation and view it kind of from the outside or just have a more general thought approach to it. Idk, it's hard to explain, but it helps a lil bit.
Btw I've heard about determinism before, it sounds interesting. I guess I gotta check out the books you mentioned.
Thanks for the reply and for the recommendations. I'm glad u were able to help yourself a bit through them

 

[webb&flow]

In my area there are unfortunately not many such places as it is pretty rural, but I think we in general, at least in western societies have a problem with the disappearance of third spaces. They for sure still exist, but I feel like they are becoming a bit rarer.

I heard that Bowling Alone (2001, Robert Putnam) mentions modern America's struggle with third spaces as well <3.

I am reminded of this analogy: If you build a beautiful and useful building in the middle of the forest, people will build pathways to it.

I think that third spaces are still worth visiting and forming bonds and social company in, even if they are farther away. I think social presence is that revitalizing.

I think that third spaces, for now, will be enough to give us some healing for our social needs, until we have the energy to work on greater societal change, that is, overhauling the social arrangements we have built—including changing them to radical extents in order to actually facilitate human life and connection, rather than getting in the way of what we truly need. That question of "how should we change social arrangements" is certainly a question with a longer answer than what I write here to you today <3 but it is a lovely question to think upon, and the more we dream, the better we get at it. If this question has occurred to you—then I implore you, feel most free to indulge more in it, whenever you can <3. And remember—no matter how great a journey is, it is composed of nothing but step after step. Focusing on the next step (even if that next step is entirely staying sane and even alive) is real work for all things that it helps allow for ♥.

Also ppl don't seem to be as open as they maybe once were anymore. If ppl are somewhere on their own, most of them are looking at their phones and are wearing headphones. I don't blame anyone for that, I tend to do the same thing.

I see you on this. Luckily, we can break that programming as well :). Developing a habit of saying hi to people we do not know is a good idea ^^. Let's say someone greeted you with a wave from a bit of a distance away, and you saw them with your headphones on. You may be very tempted to return a gaze and smile and wave back! ^^ This is an example of that isolatory programming being broken by even just a small gesture :). Small acts have real effects—and this should always be borne in mind :D.

It's still possible to meet ppl tho, for example starting out online with the possibility of meeting up sometime later, if the dynamic is good. I tried that, but I got discarded too often and it pains me.

I don't think it's your fault <3<3 I think a more effective approach though is having a shared physical space that your lives both overlap in. For example, school has provided us with a lot of such environments; lunchrooms, classrooms where we see the same people over and over again, maybe even hangout spaces outside of school too. It is great to have such physical connection to the point where you can say "You know where to find me—when we next run into each other tomorrow at this place, feel free to tell me about it". Third places help to restore this :).

I think starting out online with the hope of going physical is harder than meeting someone for the first time in person, spending time with them, and then requesting if they would like to exchange contacts to keep in touch. It also forces them to respond with something: online, people can just ignore uncomfortable questions relating to the future of the relationship. Face to face, you have them right there, and biology and physics cause their ears to be open and their brain running, leaving them very available to hear you. Online, you don't have that level of direct access. So you are more at the mercy of whatever else is in their own life. There are still good people who put in work to stay in touch though. But in person presence seriously sends messages that are remembered far easier, in my opinion.

I get that everyone has their reasons, but blocking someone instead of telling them what's wrong is just the easier solution for a lot of ppl.

Ah yes, so oddly common that there is even a term for it: "ghosting". Odd that it's so common as to warrant a dedicated term. Odd indeed.

To be fair tho I also developed a relationship online for years with someone and then I fucked it up unfortunately. I just tend to dwell on those things for a long time, it's not easy for me to move on.

You have so many aspects as you in a person. There are real positive aspects present in this too, aspects that someone can recognize, and find curiosity in—and perhaps even fall in love deeply with :). I think rumination can try to accompany us when we feel we lack people. But the best company is not that which has already gone away, but the company which flows forth out of good memories into our present moment, and into positive anticipation for our future interactions as well ^^.

Feel free to share anything about that relationship if you feel anything about it is continuing to dwell with you <3. It's not your fault for it dwelling in your mind; your brain is just trying to sort through social memories and find sources of where it might find company in. There are lovely people who would love to meet you too :). May these people become your close friends, your common company—and, perhaps even one day, a dear lover of yours ^^ .

Wishing you the absolute best in all your connections to come. You have so much within you, so much research and curiosity and knowledge, and that will only grow with time, as you grow more not only in scientific knowledge but social knowledge too. You will grow within your connections too. And you will carry that growth with you from connection to connection. And you currently have within your soul all the growth benefits that have come from your previous social experiences as well, waiting to blossom again and take you further, deeper, into all the future love and shared company that you will taste in engagement to come :). Take it as it comes. Wishing you way more than luck. When it comes, it may very well feel like forgiveness for all that came before. There are good people in this world. And many of them would love to be around and connect deeply with you yourself as well . It may take some time to run into these people. But there are such people among these who are both available and truly willing to become your friends. May you treasure all these bonds to come forever .

 

[lastappleonearth]

I heard that Bowling Alone (2001, Robert Putnam) mentions modern America's struggle with third spaces as well <3.

I am reminded of this analogy: If you build a beautiful and useful building in the middle of the forest, people will build pathways to it.

I think that third spaces are still worth visiting and forming bonds and social company in, even if they are farther away. I think social presence is that revitalizing.

I think that third spaces, for now, will be enough to give us some healing for our social needs, until we have the energy to work on greater societal change, that is, overhauling the social arrangements we have built—including changing them to radical extents in order to actually facilitate human life and connection, rather than getting in the way of what we truly need. That question of "how should we change social arrangements" is certainly a question with a longer answer than what I write here to you today <3 but it is a lovely question to think upon, and the more we dream, the better we get at it. If this question has occurred to you—then I implore you, feel most free to indulge more in it, whenever you can <3. And remember—no matter how great a journey is, it is composed of nothing but step after step. Focusing on the next step (even if that next step is entirely staying sane and even alive) is real work for all things that it helps allow for ♥.


I see you on this. Luckily, we can break that programming as well :). Developing a habit of saying hi to people we do not know is a good idea ^^. Let's say someone greeted you with a wave from a bit of a distance away, and you saw them with your headphones on. You may be very tempted to return a gaze and smile and wave back! ^^ This is an example of that isolatory programming being broken by even just a small gesture :). Small acts have real effects—and this should always be borne in mind :D.


I don't think it's your fault <3<3 I think a more effective approach though is having a shared physical space that your lives both overlap in. For example, school has provided us with a lot of such environments; lunchrooms, classrooms where we see the same people over and over again, maybe even hangout spaces outside of school too. It is great to have such physical connection to the point where you can say "You know where to find me—when we next run into each other tomorrow at this place, feel free to tell me about it". Third places help to restore this :).

I think starting out online with the hope of going physical is harder than meeting someone for the first time in person, spending time with them, and then requesting if they would like to exchange contacts to keep in touch. It also forces them to respond with something: online, people can just ignore uncomfortable questions relating to the future of the relationship. Face to face, you have them right there, and biology and physics cause their ears to be open and their brain running, leaving them very available to hear you. Online, you don't have that level of direct access. So you are more at the mercy of whatever else is in their own life. There are still good people who put in work to stay in touch though. But in person presence seriously sends messages that are remembered far easier, in my opinion.


Ah yes, so oddly common that there is even a term for it: "ghosting". Odd that it's so common as to warrant a dedicated term. Odd indeed.


You have so many aspects as you in a person. There are real positive aspects present in this too, aspects that someone can recognize, and find curiosity in—and perhaps even fall in love deeply with :). I think rumination can try to accompany us when we feel we lack people. But the best company is not that which has already gone away, but the company which flows forth out of good memories into our present moment, and into positive anticipation for our future interactions as well ^^.

Feel free to share anything about that relationship if you feel anything about it is continuing to dwell with you <3. It's not your fault for it dwelling in your mind; your brain is just trying to sort through social memories and find sources of where it might find company in. There are lovely people who would love to meet you too :). May these people become your close friends, your common company—and, perhaps even one day, a dear lover of yours ^^ .

Wishing you the absolute best in all your connections to come. You have so much within you, so much research and curiosity and knowledge, and that will only grow with time, as you grow more not only in scientific knowledge but social knowledge too. You will grow within your connections too. And you will carry that growth with you from connection to connection. And you currently have within your soul all the growth benefits that have come from your previous social experiences as well, waiting to blossom again and take you further, deeper, into all the future love and shared company that you will taste in engagement to come :). Take it as it comes. Wishing you way more than luck. When it comes, it may very well feel like forgiveness for all that came before. There are good people in this world. And many of them would love to be around and connect deeply with you yourself as well . It may take some time to run into these people. But there are such people among these who are both available and truly willing to become your friends. May you treasure all these bonds to come forever .

Yes I've also already heard abt Bowling Alone, seems to have been ahead of its time. Since I liked The Anxious Generation, mby I'm gonna check it out.
In terms of third spaces and social interactions and behaviour in general, Im sure that social programming can be changed. Though it undoubtedly takes some time and effort, but it's definitely possible. I mean, I don't remember such a time bcs I'm fairly young, but I'm sure that before smartphones and social media and our current societal system, ppl met randomly on the street or other places all the time. They probably still do, just way less. A lot of us have just gotten used to the way it is now. When I for example pass bus stations, usually everyone is on their phone and nobody is talking to each other. There is of course the rare exemption, but that's it. I also think that all of this has to do with the fact that our societies have become so individualistic and values like community, national identity etc have not fully disappeared ofc, but have been degraded significantly, which obv leads to turmoil.
Nevertheless it's not impossible to make friends, engage in relationships, but loneliness sure is on the rise, unfortunately.
I agree that in person relationships and friendships always offer more than if they were only online. There's just a stronger sense of connection, when you are actually seeing each other.

Speaking of my past online relationship, well I never planned to fall in love with someone online. Before it happened to me, the concept of online relationships actually seemed quite absurd to me. I mean. I was 4 years younger back then and knew even less than now. We met on a language exchange app, when I was doing my civil service (in Austria we have mandatory civil service or serving in the army, one can choose). I initially downloaded the app, bcs I was a bit bored and actually wanted to practice my Russian by chatting with ppl. Well she wrote me there and in the course of a few months I fell in love with her and she with me. We also only communicated in Russian, so she basically made me fluent. Ofc that made things a bit complicated, bcs she lived in far east Russia, like as far east as u can go basically and I'm here in Austria. We ended up talking everyday, via just text/ audio messages or phone and video calls. There were times where we had phone/ video calls everyday. In the end this lasted for 3 1/5 years, which means that even though not physically, but still she was with me for almost my entire adult life so far. We supported each other, cared deeply for each other, talked abt everything, she was the closest person I ever had in my life. There was some toxicity in the relationship, from both sides and there where a far bit of fights and arguments, but I really think we loved each other. We obv had plans to meet, but she couldn't come to me bcs the visa would've been to hard to obtain. I proposed we meet in a third country, but she had basically never even left Russia, so in the end we settled on that I had to come to her. Mby those kinda where excuses on her part, idk. Anyway, I couldn't overcome my fears and doubts in the end and didn't fly out to her, even tough I alr had the visa and booked the ticket, I just couldn't do it. I was just too scared of travelling to far east Russia with everything going on u know. If she would've been in Moscow or sth similar, then I mby would've gone, idk. Now in retrospect that seems kinda stupid and I terribly regret that I didn't go, I'm sure we would've had a great time and it would've likely saved the relationship. It's hard to forget, how she begged me in the end to visit her, even if only for one night. I haven't forgiven myself for not visiting her, when she told me she needed me.
Soon after that she left, without a trace basically, no last message or talk. I get why she did it that way, she was deeply hurt and didn't believe in us anymore. But it's painful, I feel like without closure it's even harder to move on, I still often revisit past conversations and think of what I could've done differently. I think she has moved on and is happy now, I truly hope that she's ok and everything's going well for her. I miss her still.

Thank you a lot for your kind words and in depth responses

 

[kkkctb]

first don't listen to sad music and you can also try weed or something like that which can uplift your mood + I work hard to distract myself

 

[lastappleonearth]

first don't listen to sad music and you can also try weed or something like that which can uplift your mood + I work hard to distract myself

I think I even have a bit of weed at home somewhere, but it was brought by sb else. I don't rlly know how to get it, it's unfortunately not legalised where I live

 

[memo]

Maladaptive daydreaming

 

[lastappleonearth]

Maladaptive daydreaming

True, I already do that tho, helps temporarily fs