I think my usage for this forum is rather uncommon. I am scared to give wrong reactions which is pretty weird. I have OCD behavior when interacting and I am scared to accidentally click a laughing emoji on a post that is not funny at all. This OCD behavior is also responsible that I try to correct my threads before or after I post them.
I think someone called my behavior on this forum blog like. I see myself maybe as a combination of blogger and columnist. I just shit my uneducated opinion on almost everything. And vent about my nightmarish existence.
I will start with the evening. After I watched news I go online. So at 8:15 p.m. I open all sub-forums and scroll through the threads of the day. In the suicide sub-forum I look at all posted threads of that day. When something interests or touches me I am reading or skimming it. In the suicide sub-forum I can relate to many posts when I compare my daily feelings and thoughts. But there are also sophisticated and insightful posts for example in off-topic. In off-topic I sometimes envy people when I see an interesting thread and ask myself why I did not come up with the idea. Lol.
Then I am deciding for which sub-forums I want to post. The last months I am very depressed and posting in recovery feels fraudulant for me in this mood. Furthermore I am really bad at finding new creative ideas for recovery.
I am extremely good at finding new ideas for off-topic. For the suicide sub-forum I hold some ideas back. I don't want to spread extreme pessimism and nihilism but I allow myself to do that unfiltered when I am emotionally fucked up.
When I am ruminating so actually every single second I am conscious I make notes in my phone when I get a good idea for a new thread. Since I do that with my thoughts it is way easier to collect and remember them. I think interestingly I am the most creative when I have to face boredom. Which is in itself pretty fascinating. When I have to do chores for college and it annoys me and my mind wants to escape and thinks about something else. I suppress that need but I make notes and at the end of the day I can elaborate on them in detail which feels sometimes relieving. But also when I read David Foster Wallace I get so many ideas. Reading can be relaxing when I turn introspective.
Depending in which mood I am I am checking the notification. When I feel very alienated and lonely I check them more often.
At the morning I am checking the reactions and replies on my threads. Some people told me I should interact more. I have some anxiety about that. As I said I have developed OCD and I am scared to accidentally doxx me or insult other people. When I posted something I check the texts several times. And in the morning I usually don't want and sometimes cannot do that. In the evening I also have similar issues and I need to get my sleep which is very important for my mental health. But I tried to interact more and I hope I am less disrespecful.
I never used the chat and I barely have private messages. I am too scared to lose someone close to suicide. I can remember how I panicked when someone almost committed suicide. And I already have scars because I lost people. So I am rather distanced. I could imagine this forum could have another positive impact on me if I developed a deep friendship. However also in this relation I have become very careful. I was somewhat close to a woman in this forum. She gave me her phone number and told me I should send her a message. I was hesitant she seemed to be friendly and trustworthy but a phone number is really delicate. So I did not text her. Some days later she rampaged in the forum insulting the admin in a very disgusting way. If I gave her my number she could have blackmailed me. And I think she might did that with someone. This story is so fucking scary that my paranoia towards people here in this forum increased a lot. So I usually keep my private data private also in direct messages. Which in some way prevents close friendships.
One obivous point I am a daily user. Writing here is a valve for my soul. But when I travel to friends or something insane happens I very seldomly skip a day. I even considered to pre-write threads which is stupid. It is no necessity for me posting here. But somehow it is a duty I would like to fulfil. If it only gave me money. I have to persuade the staff to implement paywalls in front of my threads. But so far they ignored my demands to start negotiations. And I am looking not good enough for onlyfans.
I think someone called my behavior on this forum blog like. I see myself maybe as a combination of blogger and columnist. I just shit my uneducated opinion on almost everything. And vent about my nightmarish existence.
I will start with the evening. After I watched news I go online. So at 8:15 p.m. I open all sub-forums and scroll through the threads of the day. In the suicide sub-forum I look at all posted threads of that day. When something interests or touches me I am reading or skimming it. In the suicide sub-forum I can relate to many posts when I compare my daily feelings and thoughts. But there are also sophisticated and insightful posts for example in off-topic. In off-topic I sometimes envy people when I see an interesting thread and ask myself why I did not come up with the idea. Lol.
Then I am deciding for which sub-forums I want to post. The last months I am very depressed and posting in recovery feels fraudulant for me in this mood. Furthermore I am really bad at finding new creative ideas for recovery.
I am extremely good at finding new ideas for off-topic. For the suicide sub-forum I hold some ideas back. I don't want to spread extreme pessimism and nihilism but I allow myself to do that unfiltered when I am emotionally fucked up.
When I am ruminating so actually every single second I am conscious I make notes in my phone when I get a good idea for a new thread. Since I do that with my thoughts it is way easier to collect and remember them. I think interestingly I am the most creative when I have to face boredom. Which is in itself pretty fascinating. When I have to do chores for college and it annoys me and my mind wants to escape and thinks about something else. I suppress that need but I make notes and at the end of the day I can elaborate on them in detail which feels sometimes relieving. But also when I read David Foster Wallace I get so many ideas. Reading can be relaxing when I turn introspective.
Depending in which mood I am I am checking the notification. When I feel very alienated and lonely I check them more often.
At the morning I am checking the reactions and replies on my threads. Some people told me I should interact more. I have some anxiety about that. As I said I have developed OCD and I am scared to accidentally doxx me or insult other people. When I posted something I check the texts several times. And in the morning I usually don't want and sometimes cannot do that. In the evening I also have similar issues and I need to get my sleep which is very important for my mental health. But I tried to interact more and I hope I am less disrespecful.
I never used the chat and I barely have private messages. I am too scared to lose someone close to suicide. I can remember how I panicked when someone almost committed suicide. And I already have scars because I lost people. So I am rather distanced. I could imagine this forum could have another positive impact on me if I developed a deep friendship. However also in this relation I have become very careful. I was somewhat close to a woman in this forum. She gave me her phone number and told me I should send her a message. I was hesitant she seemed to be friendly and trustworthy but a phone number is really delicate. So I did not text her. Some days later she rampaged in the forum insulting the admin in a very disgusting way. If I gave her my number she could have blackmailed me. And I think she might did that with someone. This story is so fucking scary that my paranoia towards people here in this forum increased a lot. So I usually keep my private data private also in direct messages. Which in some way prevents close friendships.
One obivous point I am a daily user. Writing here is a valve for my soul. But when I travel to friends or something insane happens I very seldomly skip a day. I even considered to pre-write threads which is stupid. It is no necessity for me posting here. But somehow it is a duty I would like to fulfil. If it only gave me money. I have to persuade the staff to implement paywalls in front of my threads. But so far they ignored my demands to start negotiations. And I am looking not good enough for onlyfans.
