How do I stop this nagging thought in my head?

[Cauliflour]

I've been here for a while now. Well, not really but there's a high turnover rate here and I've been active since I joined in March and with every day passing, I become more and more paranoid about someone I know irl finding out that I'm on this site. It doesn't matter if I'm cautious and have a password on my computer and my door's squeaky so I can hear if anyone tries to get in: I have this lingering anxiety that someone will somehow find out wherever they look really closely into my posts on here and somehow link the two together, or they somehow go digging on my computer when I'm not in the room and I don't notice.

It's not just me being on this website too. It's so many damn things I think it's burning me out. Like there's the legitimate stuff like me being suicidal, cutting, watching gore every now and then y'know what would freak out anyone who cares about me (oh and I guess basically everything to do with my sexuality because I am too modest for my own good). But then there's stuff like the fact I have a pile of vitamin pills hidden under this duck plushie. My parents wouldn't mind cause they were the ones who bought the tub in the first place that I got the pile from but I'm paranoid of having to explain how it's part of my evening routine because I'm paranoid of dying too soon so I just keep them hidden and pray. They can also be annoyingly over supportive so I wouldn't want them to keep mentioning how I'm actually kinda caring for my diet for once because then it'll do some reverse psychology thing and I won't want to do it anymore. In fact the fact they're so over supportive is one of the main reasons why I hide so many innocent things about myself. There's also the fear of disappointing them/making them hate me and the fear of actually having to explain myself on why I want to borrow 5 quid to buy a new notebook because my old one is out of pages and I'm shit at socialising.

Basically, I'm too secretive and it's starting to make the jug of water crack but I can't be honest because then everyone will see me differently and chuck me in a mental hospital. How do I make that not happen?

 

[bankai]

I've seen you post about this before. You said you were scared of someone on your YouTube channel seeing that you were depressed.

If you are afraid of being found out, maybe you want to make the posts on private suicide discussion away from the lurkers?

There's nothing terrible about you to chuck you in a hospital.. Your creative and artistic. You make nice drawings. They say all artists are a little eccentric.

You'll be fine. I'm the same, no one in my real life has a clue. I post here and I don't really let these guys irl know much.I have also secured my account with 2FA to prevent any hacking or anything. Maybe you want to do that?

 

[Cauliflour]

There's nothing terrible about you to chuck you in a hospital.

I've tried to choke myself to death in public with my tie and I find great enjoyment out of fucking up my arm. I've watched YouTube videos on mental hospitals/psych wards and posts on here and I'm pretty sure I fit the bill.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Cauliflour. I am your father. Noooooooo

The paranoia is a bit concerning because it for sure impacts the quality of life you have...have you ever had your parents control you in any way? you don't need to go into detail.

I did have one of mine do something like this and I did have paranoia at some point which ACTUALLY TURNED OUT TO BE TRUE BY THE WAY (it's not about SaSu, it was a long time ago).

? ? ? Basically, the parent was taking pictures of the games I was playing (basically the menu because I was pausing) and sending them to my doctor at the time asking questions ? ? ? this was happening when I was away from my PC

I'm no contact with that person to say the least.

 

[Cauliflour]

The paranoia is a bit concerning because it for sure impacts the quality of life you have...have you ever had your parents control you in any way? you don't need to go into detail.

Nah my parents are actually quite chill I just like to overthink things. I think it's an autism thing. My mum found out years ago that I self harm though and she keeps a lookout for scars on my arms and she's no help but I don't want to worry her.

 

[WhatCouldHaveBeen32]

Nah my parents are actually quite chill I just like to overthink things. I think it's an autism thing. My mum found out years ago that I self harm though and she keeps a lookout for scars on my arms and she's no help but I don't want to worry her.

Aw, I'm happy to hear that they are chill.

 

[bankai]

I've tried to choke myself to death in public with my tie and I find great enjoyment out of fucking up my arm. I've watched YouTube videos on mental hospitals/psych wards and posts on here and I'm pretty sure I fit the bill.

Yeah, I've seen your numerous threads on SH. You're in good company here. I mean, I do get it. We're all a little bit strange. We fit the bill in some way.You might not be able to get rid of that nagging feeling. It might be some compulsion, just saying. Even if logically you don't really need to feel that way, you may still end up doing so. it might just be a subconscious thing that's a bit out of your control.

Also, you're lucky you have decent parents. That makes a big difference.

 

[Cauliflour]

Yeah, I've seen your numerous threads on SH. You're in good company here.

sometimes I feel like I talk about it a bit too much but then again it probably takes like a decent chunk of my brain so I guess that makes sense

 

[bankai]

sometimes I feel like I talk about it a bit too much but then again it probably takes like a decent chunk of my brain so I guess that makes sense

Please talk about it as much as you want .It's not really a conscious decision you're making. I don't think you're really choosing to do this or feel this way.I feel it's more of a compulsion, especially self harming. And I guess it feels good, obviously, from what I've seen. And well, even if you feel you're making the choice yourself, that's fine too. You're not hurting anyone else.