How do I ignore my desire for love

[Leonard_Bangley39]

I've never had any strong connections before, friends, girlfriends. wanting a girlfriend and a romantic relationship is all i can think of sometimes, but I'm in probably one of the most unstable points of my life rn and im aware that i need to fix myself and build my social skills before i can handle having a relationship. I don't even know how to have a relationship, let alone create one.

The lonely feeling eats away at me from time to time, how do i ignore/suppress this feeling until after i can fix my life?

 

[derpyderpins]

I don't think you ignore it. I know however I follow that up will sound cliche, but I believe it.

Desiring love, desiring connection: these are intensely human. Possibly what makes us most human. You shouldn't deny your desire for that, especially in such a pure form.

I think it's more of a reframing. The fact that you want to fix yourself and recognize faults, which we all have, puts you ahead of most. Having great connections is your goal. Think about it: if you were, for example, an athlete, would someone tell you to ignore your desire to win the game? No, you let it fuel you. The athlete thinks about that when lifting weights or doing drills. I think the key difference for you is that you don't want to latch onto the idea of any specific person, just the idea of a more fulfilling life generally.

In the meantime, the are many forms connections can take between "nothing" and girlfriend or life partner or whatnot. Some are temporary, or fleeting, but they do help satisfy that need. I think of Tom Bombadil from Lord of the Rings, or any sort of one off filler character in anime: maybe just for one day you have an interaction and shared goal with someone then go your separate ways. It's all part of your life's journey and slightly helps fill that need for connection, even if for a moment.

 

[Valky]

Person above me said it super well, not much to add!

I personally find joy in the little things. Seeing love in other places that don't necessarily have to include me.
Love is not only about giving and giving to others. Love is also about giving to yourself and that can be done in so many ways.

Just appreciating what you have and the beautiful things around you, even if it is not much, can already be a huge step :)

 

[Oreki]

I don't think you ignore it. I know however I follow that up will sound cliche, but I believe it.

Desiring love, desiring connection: these are intensely human. Possibly what makes us most human. You shouldn't deny your desire for that, especially in such a pure form.

I think it's more of a reframing. The fact that you want to fix yourself and recognize faults, which we all have, puts you ahead of most. Having great connections is your goal. Think about it: if you were, for example, an athlete, would someone tell you to ignore your desire to win the game? No, you let it fuel you. The athlete thinks about that when lifting weights or doing drills. I think the key difference for you is that you don't want to latch onto the idea of any specific person, just the idea of a more fulfilling life generally.

In the meantime, the are many forms connections can take between "nothing" and girlfriend or life partner or whatnot. Some are temporary, or fleeting, but they do help satisfy that need. I think of Tom Bombadil from Lord of the Rings, or any sort of one off filler character in anime: maybe just for one day you have an interaction and shared goal with someone then go your separate ways. It's all part of your life's journey and slightly helps fill that need for connection, even if for a moment.

Thanks for the reminder and for sharing your detailed thoughts!

 

[Aloneandinpain]

Plenty of people in relationships aren't even close to being fixed yet they're allowed to experience love and romance.

Sure, you probably need a certain level
of maturity and mental stability to be in one but if you're a guy it's really difficult to find someone suddenly even when you feel "ready"

 

[Forever Sleep]

I found that my ideas of love were very fairytale or idealised. I found that observing actual relationships made me think- I wouldn't actually want that! Plus of course- in the worse case scenarios, some relationships end up abusive. I tend to remind myself that- at least I dodged that bullet.

There was also the complication that the guys I went for- even if I'd had the slightest chance with them- likely wouldn't have been compatible with me. Not necessarily a fault in them or me but- just not well matched. So, I tend to think- if any of my crushes had developed, they unlikely would have ended well. I suppose I just don't think a broken heart is worth the risk personally so- it's a more permanent decision for me.

Plus, it waa such a relief to stop yearning after something I was so unlikely to achieve.

 

[Macedonian1987]

I have Asperger's and I have been avoided by everyone my entire life. I barely know what love is.
The one and only relationship I had was with a sadistic girl who enjoyed seeing me suffer, I never felt love from her
I felt love just once when i was a kid from my grandma but sadly she's been gone more than 20 years. RIP grandma, I have never forgotten your unconditional love. I truly hope I will meet you again in the afterlife.

 

[bunnƴ]

There's pretty much nothing u can do it's been the purpose of human life for a while so u will be stuck thinking about it

 

[babydoctor]

I think the fact that you know what your problems are, recognize that these faults and instability would make a relationship difficult, and are addressing them, means you would be an absolute catch in the dating world right now, at least when it comes to emotional intelligence

Relationships are difficult no matter what you have going on in life, but most people think the pros outweigh the cons