Hi.
Those horrible thoughts have kept me surviving for years now, and they definetly feel horrible when you just so desperatedly want to die but they anchor you here.
First of all I don't have the answer to it. If I did I wouldn't tell you, on one hand because I wouldn't like to aid in your death, but on the other and most likely because I'd already killed myself If I knew so I wouldn't be very keen on speaking.
All I know is that it shows you are a caring and empathetic person, even if to your detriment. You love the people that love you and that love stops you from hurting them. Even amist your own immense pain that's leading you there you still care, not just enough, but overwhelmingly so.
A big part of it is love sure, but in my experience it's also guilt. If you feel like you are a burden on others, that you bring misery already when living, and know that your death would also bring even More misery, it's a two way dead end alley that feels like asphyxia.
So yep it is not great to live like that, or survive like that, so I feel you.
I don't think you can get rid of those regrets for certain. They are most likely truths. So you either numb yourself enough with time that you can't even feel empathy and succumb to a bad day's impulse, or you carry on in pain and maybe get better with time. It's not an easy gamble, it's the one I'd recommend for sure and I and others 've been living. It's just a shitty truth we can't erase ourselves completely from history, and with a future that maybe holds joy for us, but uncertain, that's the kind of board we have to face. Not great, could be worse, still not great.
My only advice would be to cherish those you love if you are able, regardless of what you do, cherish. That's my ramble, hugs <3
