Help How do i achieve stability?

[bestbeforetomorrow]

Hello! i have a problem - i can be productive with things i don't like and do them emotionless only when i hate myself. I don't know where else to ask this question but how to get myself to constant state of hatred to achieve some sort of almostperfection in terms of work. i want to be useful and it is more important for me than feel better. can you give me some advices how to stay in condition of deep and honest hatred to myself? at this moment it happens just sometimes and then stops