I had ordered back in 2016 and when it arrived I felt RELIEF. I remember opening the box and feeling like, ah, ok...now I have a peaceful option. I remember being kind of amazed at how well A packaged it (assuming A does the packing), and the surprise of the inclusion of antiemetics. Relief, that was the main feeling. Happiness, too.
I stashed the bottles away in a dust bag at the bottom of a drawer, and eventually ended up opening one of the bottles to test the potency and see if it was legit. I've written about the taste before, but yeah...when I tested it, I used a medicine dose cup (the kind of cup one would get it they purchased Nyquil, etc.) and that dose hit me QUICK. Almost knocked me down the stairs to the basement when I went to have a cigarette after, so I knew what I had was potent and would do the job. Felt confident. That third bottle, I used probably half in small doses just for the best nights sleep I'd ever had. Total knock out sleep, like when you're under anesthesia. Unfortunately that third bottle was confiscated by police when I made the mistake of disclosing to the therapist I was seeing at the time that I was in possession of a lethal means to end my life.
The other 2 bottles remained hidden and I lied to my father I no longer had any bottles. Cut to present time, 3 years later, after ECT treatments and a variety of medication changes, trying to find a good therapist and psychiatrist, I have only the 2 bottles - both now empty. I look at them occasionally, not wishing they were both still full, but rather with a wry smile.
I know N is seen as the "holy grail" of ending one's life peacefully. Once one actually has N and tastes it, and realizes just how strong it is....it's not as easy as knocking it all back in a couple of big gulps. I had this illusion it would be a lot easier than how it really is. Again, it's meant to be administered intravenously.
I could go on and on about my experience with N. I now plan on using the night night method, or hanging.
