First of all I am no expert on the topic. But I am affected deeply of it. Take my points with a grain of salt.
I am very obsessed what other people think of me due to past abuse. I am very sensitive for feeling embarrassed or ashamed. And I have to say after my past manias/psychoses I felt extremely ashamed of myself. During the episodes I was hypersexual left some stupid comments on women. I don't think anyone was really offended. This is my main concern being perceived as a pervert. It is deeply pathological and made me extremely suicidal. I don't think I really molested anyone. I was kind of very cringe and many people rather laughed at me instead of feeling molested. Though I was disgusted by myself in an extreme way afterwards. I think that is usual for people after a crash from mania into depression. But for me who is obsessed which impression I leave it was even worse. It made me very acute suicidal. It was not fully rational this shame. And I realized that but I was unable to do something against it. Gladly I am introverted when I read what other people during mania/psychosis do I think I could not have lived with that. My last psychosis is 5 years ago and I still have a very vivid image of the people who mocked me at that time. They were disgusting people but I also kind of acted like a dick. I was very manic and unfriendly to some people. I was pretty ill. But people even further humiliated me after realizing I am mentall ill and in a crisis. There was one girl I can remember her. When other people were around she mocked me. Though before I quit she messaged me and showed genuine empathy. So the world is a disgusting place. I should not think too much about them. It almost drove me to suicide. But these people are not worth to think about. People who make fun of another being in a clear mental crisis shall go fuck themselves. Like Lil Peeo said most people suck.
I am kind of traumatized by the shit that happened. Rationally I acted like someone who is drunk, acted cringe but nothing to be traumatized for. But the mental impact on me was insane because of the insane crash that I experienced. I plan to kill myself when I crash again I am just unable to cope with the pain another time. I feel very ashamed for it. But the pathological part is way worse than these assholes mocking me. They forget me after some months. Noone knows my story and if they knew some might feel bad and spam me with suicide hotlines to feel less guilty. I cannot say how rotten these people were I was paranoid to that time. But there were people who targeted me after the psychosis was over. There were some clear assholes. Others were okay people or mocked me because of peer pressure. Mostly during psychosis I can keep my shit together so people don't notice me. However during my second psychosis once I spread very paranoid and insane thoughts in front of other people. I was in an extremely vulnerable state. One girl was extremely shocked. She looked at me like I was a ghost. Her mouth was open and really she was very shocked. She later was concerned for my well-being. It is all very complex. I could go into detail for like 10 people and how they interacted with me. As I said my memories are very vivid. One guy who also heard my psychotic shit told me the other day well you had a nervous breakdown is everything okay again. For him the world went on. I can still remember so fucking many details. And all this shit tortured me extremely when I crashed. My mom pressured me to go on with college because we spent very much money on it. As you might know I am pressuring myself already way too much. We spent several thousand euros and my enviornment pressured me after my psychosis (during the crash) to go on. It is hard to put in words what I felt. I was extremely overwhelmed. I could not kill myself but planned to do so. I tried to force me to go on with college. It was physically and mentally impossible. My concentration was horrible and my depression became extremely severe. I can remember the last day at college. I was extremely fucked and had all the insane pressure. I gazed in the sky and could not hold my shit together. One professor looked at me the insane guy and had to laugh at me. I looked quite puzzled. I wondered how in the hell could that horrible shit happen again. The last girl I saw was really a vicious one. She also laughed at me when I starred in the sky. Admittedly I looked insane but I could just not cope with the shit anymore. When I entered the bus I had to laugh loud because I was so overwhelmed. I acted like an insane person. I wasn't psychotic that was over. But the pressure I felt was extreme. Even my extremely cold psychiatrist showed some empathy for me which was extremely seldom. I think she called it parathymia (the paradoxical laugh). Then all the shit with the acute suicidality and clinc stay happened.
Currently I am quite manic. I hope I can avoid another episode. People in my self-help group described how they enjoyed mania and that they want that feeling back. Holy shit I am trauamtized by mania. The year of my second mania was the best year of my life though it was not worth the pain. Even if it lasted 5 years. No the highs are never worth the pain. At least this is my opinion.
I have the feeling shame is a vicious feeling and often we treat us too harsh for it. These people who laughed at me during the psychosis were assholes. These people will never think of me again and they are human trash. It is not worth to ruminate about them. If I kill myself they will not shed a tear. However I think the way worse part of shame is the feeling which is deeper. Beyond the rational level. In my case also the patholgical level. I might kill myself because of that. But the other people are not worth to kill myself because of them. It is not worth to do that. I am way more important than some ignorant people judging me. My health and well-being is way more important. I think this is even objective true. Sadly one cannot make emotional pain/feelings disappear by using logic. I really tried it after the crash. My pain was way more extreme than what actually happened. I think we should not give shame the power to rule over us. However who is saying that. A guy who is pathologically obsessed how other people perceive him. I have the feeling it is too deeply entrenched in me to free myself from it. But I try that this won't be the reason for my suicide. It shall be a well-thought through decision which is fully rational. I want that and I have made a lot for trying to achieve that. I made so much therapy, talked to so many professionals, was in so many clinics, talked to very smart people in order to solve my issues. I don't want to "throw away my life". I want to make a rational decision based on facts and evidence.
So mabye some more thoughts for the core question of this thread. I think shame and suicide is interconnected in many ways. People are ashamed to talk about suicide (like in my self-help group). People feel ashamed for having suicidal thoughts. However shame does not play a role in every suicide. I should make that clear. When I read about war crimes I read a lot about sexual violence. It is hellish way to traumatize people. Many people become wrecks. Many feel ashamed to talk about what happened and suffer in silence. Some feel a guilty conscience because people falsely blame the victim. Like my sister did with me one time. Even after people committed suicide many feel ashamed to talk about such a stigmatized topic. Then there is the notion of honor. I could very well imagine a certain notion of the importance of honor is a reason why the suicide rate in Asia is that high.
My conclusion. Yes suicide and shame is often connected in many different facets. It can be a horrible feeling that tortures us alive. We can try to fight it with rationality and logic. However some people (also me) are haunted by it in their nightmares. I think shame is also something which is pretty present in the subconscious. But that is just another bold claim by a layman. I wish I could exonerate people from this horrible and unfair feeling. It is so injust. The perpetrators should feel the shame but usually it is the opposite. You are for sure not alone with this feeling. I don't know whether that comforts you but I don't know have much more to offer. Except the part that we should tell us on a rational level that we are not responsible for it.
I have the feeling this thread has become slightly long. The ruminating about the devastating consequences of mania shall help me to fight it. Sometimes that helps.
I am very obsessed what other people think of me due to past abuse. I am very sensitive for feeling embarrassed or ashamed. And I have to say after my past manias/psychoses I felt extremely ashamed of myself. During the episodes I was hypersexual left some stupid comments on women. I don't think anyone was really offended. This is my main concern being perceived as a pervert. It is deeply pathological and made me extremely suicidal. I don't think I really molested anyone. I was kind of very cringe and many people rather laughed at me instead of feeling molested. Though I was disgusted by myself in an extreme way afterwards. I think that is usual for people after a crash from mania into depression. But for me who is obsessed which impression I leave it was even worse. It made me very acute suicidal. It was not fully rational this shame. And I realized that but I was unable to do something against it. Gladly I am introverted when I read what other people during mania/psychosis do I think I could not have lived with that. My last psychosis is 5 years ago and I still have a very vivid image of the people who mocked me at that time. They were disgusting people but I also kind of acted like a dick. I was very manic and unfriendly to some people. I was pretty ill. But people even further humiliated me after realizing I am mentall ill and in a crisis. There was one girl I can remember her. When other people were around she mocked me. Though before I quit she messaged me and showed genuine empathy. So the world is a disgusting place. I should not think too much about them. It almost drove me to suicide. But these people are not worth to think about. People who make fun of another being in a clear mental crisis shall go fuck themselves. Like Lil Peeo said most people suck.
I am kind of traumatized by the shit that happened. Rationally I acted like someone who is drunk, acted cringe but nothing to be traumatized for. But the mental impact on me was insane because of the insane crash that I experienced. I plan to kill myself when I crash again I am just unable to cope with the pain another time. I feel very ashamed for it. But the pathological part is way worse than these assholes mocking me. They forget me after some months. Noone knows my story and if they knew some might feel bad and spam me with suicide hotlines to feel less guilty. I cannot say how rotten these people were I was paranoid to that time. But there were people who targeted me after the psychosis was over. There were some clear assholes. Others were okay people or mocked me because of peer pressure. Mostly during psychosis I can keep my shit together so people don't notice me. However during my second psychosis once I spread very paranoid and insane thoughts in front of other people. I was in an extremely vulnerable state. One girl was extremely shocked. She looked at me like I was a ghost. Her mouth was open and really she was very shocked. She later was concerned for my well-being. It is all very complex. I could go into detail for like 10 people and how they interacted with me. As I said my memories are very vivid. One guy who also heard my psychotic shit told me the other day well you had a nervous breakdown is everything okay again. For him the world went on. I can still remember so fucking many details. And all this shit tortured me extremely when I crashed. My mom pressured me to go on with college because we spent very much money on it. As you might know I am pressuring myself already way too much. We spent several thousand euros and my enviornment pressured me after my psychosis (during the crash) to go on. It is hard to put in words what I felt. I was extremely overwhelmed. I could not kill myself but planned to do so. I tried to force me to go on with college. It was physically and mentally impossible. My concentration was horrible and my depression became extremely severe. I can remember the last day at college. I was extremely fucked and had all the insane pressure. I gazed in the sky and could not hold my shit together. One professor looked at me the insane guy and had to laugh at me. I looked quite puzzled. I wondered how in the hell could that horrible shit happen again. The last girl I saw was really a vicious one. She also laughed at me when I starred in the sky. Admittedly I looked insane but I could just not cope with the shit anymore. When I entered the bus I had to laugh loud because I was so overwhelmed. I acted like an insane person. I wasn't psychotic that was over. But the pressure I felt was extreme. Even my extremely cold psychiatrist showed some empathy for me which was extremely seldom. I think she called it parathymia (the paradoxical laugh). Then all the shit with the acute suicidality and clinc stay happened.
Currently I am quite manic. I hope I can avoid another episode. People in my self-help group described how they enjoyed mania and that they want that feeling back. Holy shit I am trauamtized by mania. The year of my second mania was the best year of my life though it was not worth the pain. Even if it lasted 5 years. No the highs are never worth the pain. At least this is my opinion.
I have the feeling shame is a vicious feeling and often we treat us too harsh for it. These people who laughed at me during the psychosis were assholes. These people will never think of me again and they are human trash. It is not worth to ruminate about them. If I kill myself they will not shed a tear. However I think the way worse part of shame is the feeling which is deeper. Beyond the rational level. In my case also the patholgical level. I might kill myself because of that. But the other people are not worth to kill myself because of them. It is not worth to do that. I am way more important than some ignorant people judging me. My health and well-being is way more important. I think this is even objective true. Sadly one cannot make emotional pain/feelings disappear by using logic. I really tried it after the crash. My pain was way more extreme than what actually happened. I think we should not give shame the power to rule over us. However who is saying that. A guy who is pathologically obsessed how other people perceive him. I have the feeling it is too deeply entrenched in me to free myself from it. But I try that this won't be the reason for my suicide. It shall be a well-thought through decision which is fully rational. I want that and I have made a lot for trying to achieve that. I made so much therapy, talked to so many professionals, was in so many clinics, talked to very smart people in order to solve my issues. I don't want to "throw away my life". I want to make a rational decision based on facts and evidence.
So mabye some more thoughts for the core question of this thread. I think shame and suicide is interconnected in many ways. People are ashamed to talk about suicide (like in my self-help group). People feel ashamed for having suicidal thoughts. However shame does not play a role in every suicide. I should make that clear. When I read about war crimes I read a lot about sexual violence. It is hellish way to traumatize people. Many people become wrecks. Many feel ashamed to talk about what happened and suffer in silence. Some feel a guilty conscience because people falsely blame the victim. Like my sister did with me one time. Even after people committed suicide many feel ashamed to talk about such a stigmatized topic. Then there is the notion of honor. I could very well imagine a certain notion of the importance of honor is a reason why the suicide rate in Asia is that high.
My conclusion. Yes suicide and shame is often connected in many different facets. It can be a horrible feeling that tortures us alive. We can try to fight it with rationality and logic. However some people (also me) are haunted by it in their nightmares. I think shame is also something which is pretty present in the subconscious. But that is just another bold claim by a layman. I wish I could exonerate people from this horrible and unfair feeling. It is so injust. The perpetrators should feel the shame but usually it is the opposite. You are for sure not alone with this feeling. I don't know whether that comforts you but I don't know have much more to offer. Except the part that we should tell us on a rational level that we are not responsible for it.
I have the feeling this thread has become slightly long. The ruminating about the devastating consequences of mania shall help me to fight it. Sometimes that helps.
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