Discussion How confident are you that you will CTB when the time is right?

[Roadkill]

I want to kill myself, but I know I never will... the main reason is that I am sure I'd fuck it up and end up in worse shape than I am... even if I used a shotgun to blow my head off, I just know I'd survive somehow(with only half a head)

 

[suicidal257]

I just can't get myself to the right mood to do it no matter what I do.

 

[NoMoreMorbidity]

When I was 15 I hanged myself. Ended up in a coma for 5 days. I know the feeling of when the right time is. For me, it's when I'm happy to commit suicide. My family thought I was doing better, but I was just in relief and bliss that it would be over soon. I was scared, but 100% ready, at peace with dying, and it was a joyous moment. I haven't felt that since. I can't explain what caused me to be in such bliss, I was just done and ready. I hope I feel it again soon.

 

[Celerity]

When I was 15 I hanged myself. Ended up in a coma for 5 days. I know the feeling of when the right time is. For me, it's when I'm happy to commit suicide. My family thought I was doing better, but I was just in relief and bliss that it would be over soon. I was scared, but 100% ready, at peace with dying, and it was a joyous moment. I haven't felt that since. I can't explain what caused me to be in such bliss, I was just done and ready. I hope I feel it again soon.

Wow, that's amazing. I really couldn't go through with ganging myself. I'm using a gun because I know I'd chicken out any other way. I want one and done - something I can't back out of that takes just a second to complete.

 

[LONE WOLF.]

"100% CONFIDENT"!!! MY PLAN HAD BEEN SET IN STONE FOR THE PAST 20-YEARS!!!

 

[NoMoreMorbidity]

Wow, that's amazing. I really couldn't go through with ganging myself. I'm using a gun because I know I'd chicken out any other way. I want one and done - something I can't back out of that takes just a second to complete.

@Celerity Hanging was my dream way since I was 10. It's extremely painful, but for me it was only for seconds.
I wish I had a gun. I think I'd go with that if I had one. I'm terrified of failing. That's why my preferred method is SA, no antidote. But I've been thinking of SN a lot lately too.
I agree with you, one and done. Thanks for your reply.

 

[katesmith]

By all means I should have been dead years ago if I had the choice. I always told myself if things get any worse I will be compelled to finally CTB.

But life has gotten progressively worse each year and I am still here. I always thought I could CTB if the time was right. But there have been multiple "right times" already. I am not sure what I am waiting for. Maybe I want to see how deep this spiral can go but in reality I am probably just too scared.

Maybe all of this researching different methods, setting deadlines, buying chemicals, weapons, rope, etc is just a way of coping because deep down you know you can't go through with it.

I couldn't agree with you more

 

[noname223]

My only halfway ctb experience was a little bit of partial. It felt horrible. However I am quite certain i gonna ctb. I don't know if that it a good thing if life turns really ugly. I will be VERY desperate. I pretty sure i cannot endure poverty. Everday will be like a 10/10 suicide rate.
I am really not sure if it is good that you are certain with suicide. It can be pretty depressing.

 

[xrafinha]

I am 100% confident. Personally, I always had a feeling I wouldn't see old age, or anywhere near it. I don't know how to explain it. It's a miracle that I even managed to see my 30th birthday. But now, I am tired. I am exhausted of trying to fight. I know my time has come to an end, and I'm perfectly okay with that.

I guess when there is nothing left to fight for, then that's how I know it's time to go.

Funny, I've always had that feeling as well, even as a teen.

 

[Lost Magic]

I guess I will only know when the time is right. Actually, I should have done it years ago but I have a few things to do before my next opportunity.

 

[lofticries]

Well when both my parents die I will have nothing left to live for anymore (no friends,fam i'm close with, or husband/boyfriend). Not to mention the emotions from their deaths will no doubt drive me over the edge. I mean I have constant thoughts of suicide for almost the littlest things. If the death a parent turns some mentally well people into wrecks what do you think that will do to me.

 

[Lost Magic]

Well when both my parents die I will have nothing left to live for anymore (no friends,fam i'm close with, or husband/boyfriend). Not to mention the emotions from their deaths will no doubt drive me over the edge. I mean I have constant thoughts of suicide for almost the littlest things. If the death a parent turns some mentally well people into wrecks what do you think that will do to me.

That is part of the reason why I want to end it. I just lost my best friend and mother to cancer over a year ago. The pain never goes away. I stayed alive to look after her (we looked out for each other) but nobody is here to look after me now.

 

[deleted]

If you look at my first comments you will see how anxious I was for the delivery of the SN, I even dreamed of him, but having him in hand is a totally new sensation, although I didn't have the courage to ctb I had the courage to go get help with social assistance

 

[fred farkle]

I wish there was some way I could move myself towards acceptance of ctb. SI is still very strong,but his life is worthless.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I wish there was some way I could move myself towards acceptance of ctb. SI is still very strong,but his life is worthless.

Does the crossed out name mean they successfully ctb'ed? I guess they found a way after all.

I guess I will only know when the time is right. Actually, I should have done it years ago but I have a few things to do before my next opportunity.

I should have done it years ago too. I tell myself that maybe that wasn't the 'real' right time but maybe there isn't one. Maybe you just have to close your eyes and do it.

 

[FuneralCry]

When I ctb it will definitely be the right time. I think for me to leave, I would have to be desperate as dying is hard and I fear methods going wrong. I should have left years ago really but survival instinct stops it. I do want to leave this earth and I know it is the right option for me. Death comforts me,

 

[eternalmelancholy]

When I ctb it will definitely be the right time. I think for me to leave, I would have to be desperate as dying is hard and I fear methods going wrong. I should have left years ago really but survival instinct stops it. I do want to leave this earth and I know it is the right option for me. Death comforts me,

Aren't you afraid that the "right time" will never come? That is my biggest fear. That I will end up old, bitter and still alive.

My biggest regret in life is not killing myself when I was younger and impulsive. SI and inhibition has only gotten stronger as the years roll on by.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I have very little confidence that I will go through with CTB. I'm just hoping that when the day comes I will follow through. I have a date but I don't know if it will actually be the day I go through with it. Theres a phrase, "call of the void", its the feeling someone gets when standing on a ledge, the impulsive desire to jump off. I'm praying one day I will feel the call and its so strong I'm able to complete the task.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

I have very little confidence that I will go through with CTB. I'm just hoping that when the day comes I will follow through. I have a date but I don't know if it will actually be the day I go through with it. Theres a phrase, "call of the void", its the feeling someone gets when standing on a ledge, the impulsive desire to jump off. I'm praying one day I will feel the call and its so strong I'm able to complete the task.

The biggest regret I have is not killing myself when I was younger and more impulsive. I always thought I could CTB but as the years pass by I am not so sure anymore.

The only breaking point I could see is if I was facing homelessness. I think the fear and loathing would override whatever SI I had left by that point.

 

[Seiba]

Possible, not like it matters anyway. I originally had a very long post but I deleted it since it's just personal history that doesn't really contribute anything to anyone else and just ventures on self indulgence. I copy and pasted so I think I'll just ironically make it my first journal entry maybe.

Like yourself @eternalmelancholy I could see myself being more emotionally impulsive when I was younger but my emotions have largely become muted after years of suicide related stuff. I'm grateful for all of the information but this is has been years of browsing suicide related stuff at this point. My perspective on it is that if it gets bad enough I will be forced to for emotional consolation and to use it as a means to an end -- there will be an emptiness in leaving that I will have to overcome I think. The hard part now is that suicide doesn't really give me any emotional output in regards to doing it so motivating for it will be harder. It's three am so I might not feel good enough for selling plasma but I hope I suck it up so I can get some finances. The main reason I've been here for years (or at least my excuse, I suppose I could have hanged myself with bedsheets in the basement on the pull up bar after all of this time) is lack of funds for a decent method. I did end up tying a bedsheet on the pull up bar in the basement but I ended up backing out and couldn't really force myself to do it. Part of that is I will have to basically have myself be suffocated for minutes at a time because the drop point isn't long enough and the other part is I couldn't bring myself to send the note I made to only online friend I have. Partial isn't for me because I live with someone else either. I suppose to onlookers I'm just a coward having lurked on suicide related topics for years. It's been almost six years at this point and now I've been on this website for months with hundreds of post.

I suppose there's irony in writing something this long after deleting the previous. I accidently deleted it formatting this one a bit anyway, so I'll just chalk this up to being my self indulgence at three am.

 

[Peaceisnear]

Pretty darn confident tbh. I am relying on amateur's luck though as this will be my first attempt and it is likely to be successful since SI is supposed to not have settled in at least the way I see it

 

[PeacefulTonic]

Since life is a cruel joke that lead me to this point, I'm confident that I don't have free will, and my fate is sealed already. The suicidal thoughts are non stop, and I'm dead set on going through with it. Only a matter of time once all my shit is taken care of

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

The biggest regret I have is not killing myself when I was younger and more impulsive. I always thought I could CTB but as the years pass by I am not so sure anymore.

Me too friend, me too.

 

[DoodleBug]

I took a quest that states: "dont ctb until you've absolutely exhausted your Arsenal." Even though its a painful thought to go on, there is also a great redeeming factor that at the end of my hopeful efforts in a shitty company, I will at least be able to take the door out.

It still wont be easy and its notorious for people to never feel that their date should be that last one. Impulses of self-destruction are scary. Take care of yourselves.

 

[deflationary]

I've always been pretty confident that I'd be able to go through with it once I decided on it. But I guess I can't say for certain until the time comes. People have been surprised by their inability to do it before.

 

[fox_wannabe]

I am working up to It slowly. I am in better place I was but I want to be free to ctb when I want. It means I will have to be probably practicing my will and fearlessness, because If I cannot leave whenever I want I am no better than slave or prisoner. But It is just my opinion.

 

[aludnelac]

unfortunately, i'm not really sure i can manage to actually go through with it either.. it's as you said, things continue to get worse, time continues to pass you by, and yet you sit in complete inactivity, actively spiraling further into an increased deathlust with no action.. i think maybe it's just one of those things where you know it's time once you reach that place.. i always feel as though i'm on the edge, ready to go on a daily basis, but i just keep convincing myself there's some kind of hope to hold onto.. i guess for me it will probably be when that part of myself that hopes for something better gets crushed back down to reality too many times and just fully gives in.. it feels closer all the time, but i fear there is still more to go before i can leave this place.. i think people can only take so much disappointment, pain, and despair until it eventually crushes them entirely.. it seems there is always a deeper pit of hell and a blacker ichor of despair to wrap around you than what you previously knew, but i'm sure eventually we reach a point where nothing else matters.. fear, pain, hope, it all becomes sanded down into a uniform flatness, by an overwhelming need for the last choice you have: freedom from this world and all your suffering..

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Like yourself @eternalmelancholy I could see myself being more emotionally impulsive when I was younger but my emotions have largely become muted after years of suicide related stuff. I'm grateful for all of the information but this is has been years of browsing suicide related stuff at this point.

Same here. It has been years for me as well. I've even done trial runs to prep myself for the real thing but when it came time I just couldn't do it. First I thought it was a matter of choosing the right method but I always end up freezing at the final moment no matter what method I attempted.

I think the mistake I made was overthinking it for so long. I always thought I could CTB given the right circumstances but with each passing year it is proving to be more difficult than I had ever imagined.

unfortunately, i'm not really sure i can manage to actually go through with it either.. it's as you said, things continue to get worse, time continues to pass you by, and yet you sit in complete inactivity, actively spiraling further into an increased deathlust with no action.. i think maybe it's just one of those things where you know it's time once you reach that place.. i always feel as though i'm on the edge, ready to go on a daily basis, but i just keep convincing myself there's some kind of hope to hold onto..

The thing is I already had a couple of those "this is the right time" moments or so I thought. But even then I still couldn't finish the job. Since then life has actually gotten worse but I haven't made another attempt in a long time.

The only coping mechanism I have is clinging onto the hope that I will be able to do it someday before I become old, bitter and miserable. That is my biggest fear, being stuck here for decades to come while my body and mental state keeps deteriorating even further.

 

[Eternal Pessimist]

The time has been right for me for almost a decade now and I still haven't done it. Each year things just keep getting worse and worse for me, but I keep hanging on for some reason. Maybe deep down I still think things might turn around eventually. Or I'm just a coward.

 

[eternalmelancholy]

Since life is a cruel joke that lead me to this point, I'm confident that I don't have free will, and my fate is sealed already. The suicidal thoughts are non stop, and I'm dead set on going through with it. Only a matter of time once all my shit is taken care of

I have been living with these suicidal thoughts for so long, I don't even know any other way of living. It is so pathetic and sad to have this as your default state.

The time has been right for me for almost a decade now and I still haven't done it. Each year things just keep getting worse and worse for me, but I keep hanging on for some reason. Maybe deep down I still think things might turn around eventually. Or I'm just a coward.

All evidence points to life getting progressively worse every year. That has been my personal experience for over a decade like yourself. I feel like such a piece of shit for not having the courage to give myself peace. It is like I can't even protect myself and feel completely helpless. Sometimes I feel like the most pathetic person on the planet.