Venting Does the thought of CTB give you peace or does it scares you?

[tooafraidtodiez]

My feeling is sort of in the middle but leaning more towards peace even though my method is not ideal. With how things are going on in my life and my physical and neurological condition CTB seems rational for me. When things haven't gotten as bad, initially i was scared to the point of having difficulty sleeping. But now i'm just waiting for the final meds to come and probably do it in a couple weeks. Everyday is a challange and i hope i can find my peace soon. This is the first time this year i've felt genuinely relaxed and at peace from CTB out of all things. Does anyone else relate?

 

[Surek]

Thoughts of CTB work pretty well as a coping mechanism, even though in the end, it's not them keeping me back, but SI. When I first got my hands on SN, I actually felt more at peace, though over time this feeling faded significantly and is now basically just like a faint undertone in the background. However, there was an instance when I lost my SN, and losing the option to CTB reminded me of that feeling of fear and hopelessness back when I had no way out of this world

But this is probably not quite the answer you were looking for x). Yes, the thought of CTB brings me peace, but the closer SI creeps up on me, the stronger the fear I feel. So it's more like a scale with a needle that can swing back and forth

 

[interna]

I'm also in the middle... I mostly fear the physical sensations related to dying, and the fear itself, if that makes sense. I'm so scared of being scared and in pain my last few moments, but I also would want them to be like that all in the name of self-hate. I also grieve for myself and pity that I didn't get to become the person I wanted to be, and that I had to turn to suicide instead... but I'm really happy I'm going to die, too. I might be romanticizing it as I've always wanted to kill myself, but to have the power to end my own life is moving to me, having spent most of it feeling passive and powerless. I also believe there's no reason for me to actually be here save for other people – I'm not suited for living any further, nor do I truly want to. I don't think I was ever supposed to make it past my teens, so it's about time I CTB.

I think everyone can agree death is both comforting and scary, and a double-edged sword that way. The things dying lacks, life offers you, but they're fickle & ever-changing, and such is the nature of living. The things life lacks, dying offers you, but they're unknown & eternal, and such is the nature of dying. It's a matter of making a choice, in the end.

 

[nayomi]

i am only scared about not making the right choice for me. if i know what is the right choice for me i would do that choice and complete this existence on earth

 

[failedmind]

im in the middle. im scared i might fail, but comforted by the thought of it working. i have a lot of fear about leaving my family too, but im mostly scared of doing it wrong and failing and being in an even a worse state. plus SI feels so hard to overcome. im just waiting for the day that i get enough courage honestly

 

[hdead]

i am only scared about not making the right choice for me. if i know what is the right choice for me i would do that choice and complete this existence on earth

This is my eternal problem, lol. I'll probably backpedal once I 'pull the trigger', like with everything I decide in life. I just never knew how to do this shit anyway, so I'll likely not know how to do this either. Lucky for me, all my decisions were moderately succesful - that at least gives me confidence that, even though I might regret it, I'll be succesful.

To answer OPs question; having the method ready to go gives peace, but not the kind of peace that makes me actually want to make something of my life. I'm still ideating every single day, and while I haven't got a set date planned I'm ruminating every day on when to do it. I guess I'm also a bit in the middle. I'm working through some guilt right now, once I get that over with I'll probably have my nap.

 

[AgathaChristieLover]

I'm so scared but it feels like I don't have a choice

 

[ilovecats1]

even though at times when i feel "better" its still comforting to think about. at my worst its the only thing i can think about and feel better.

 

[FuneralCry]

For me ceasing to exist is the only peace in this existence so torturous, terrible and dreadful that I just always saw as a mistake and no matter what I'll only hope for the peace of non-existence.

In this existence of torturous suffering non-existence is just all I see as positive and I'll just always prefer to peacefully cease existing than be burdened with this existence so torturous, existence to me truly is an abomination and only fear suffering for way longer in this horrific world where there is all this endless suffering and cruelty, it's just so terrible to me how the torture of existing can continue for decades longer just for one to face the terrible extreme agony of old age.

 

[Die.A.Ria]

Everytime i think about it i feel relieved and it gives me peace

 

[itsgone2]

I'm afraid mostly. It's the pain. I've thought about this a lot. I've tried fsh and recently bought a gun. If I was guaranteed either wouldn't hurt I'd do it.

It doesn't bring me peace. I wish I could stay and live out a normal life. It's not possible though. This needs to happen. Truly wish I had already.

 

[never mind me]

I don't feel fear as long as I am not doing concrete stept to prepare ctb. It's only then, that I feel fearful. But I don't really feel peace either when thinking of ctb. I feel mostly sad, because I don't really want to die, but I just want my health back and live normally again.

 

[LigottiIsRight]

It brings me peace and it's useful to handle bullshit.

 

[tiramisu]

preparing for my own death gives me the peace i didn't have all these past years.

 

[dirkw83]

It's extremely scary but Im afraid I have to ctb since my wings were taken. CTB is the only way that I can get my wings back.