NSFW How can I live with myself if I'm a disgusting human being?

[FatAutisticNT]

I don't know what I am anymore. I don't know if I can even consider myself to be normal after trying to figure my sexuality out for years. The utter fact that I'm possibly a pedophile over a bunch of fictional characters and Pokemon wearing diapers peeves me to the point where it's affecting my life.

I didn't ask for this shit. I never labelled myself as one. A bunch of people I knew a long time ago on the Internet did. I don't understand how I'm like this. Nobody I knew sexually abused me, as far as I can tell.

The closest thing I've had with sexual trauma is the fact that I tried to hang out with people twice my age on the Internet when I was about 9-15. One of them gave me the link to the lemon party website.

You can show me movies like It's a Wonderful Life a thousand times, and I would have yet to put myself in that where some ghosts of Christmas past tries to show me that my life s valuable. I am ashamed for being brought into this world. I feel as if someone hated my existence and decided to make me very much into diapers.

I don't know if I can be normal through any psychiatric means. My life would be over if people find out what I truly am. My address would be doxxed and I would probably have a few people threatening to kill me.

Waking up every morning and knowing what my past has given me is not great. Thinking about the people whom I've unintentionally hurt is not great. Struggling towards getting a college degree in my mid 20s is not great. Not having any career path for myself after so long is not great.

If there is a god, I don't know if they would ever consider me an equal on this Earth.

 

[NearlyIrrelevantCake]

These people can help you and offer support.

VirPed

We are pedophiles against adult-child sexual contact and online child exploitation. We support others like us.

virped.org

 

[MidnightTrains]

Hi, I don't have advice to offer and I can't relate exactly, but I want to let you know that you're not alone in feeling this way. Nobody chooses what to be attracted to and a lot of the times it is a response to traumatic events. Its unfortunate that these attractions are so demonized because it stops non-offenders from seeking the help they need. I also struggle with being attracted to unconventional things that I think is a result of me being desensitized to porn and sexual acts at a young age. I would never be able to admit these feelings to anyone else out of fear of being judged. However, It's a good thing that you are aware of this issue and I hope you are able to find some aid and peace.

 

[sunnyside]

You don't choose what you are attracted to however you do choose on how to act on those attractions.

There is help available even some online

The Study

Internet behandling, Internet treatment

www.iterapi.se

Maybe you can never be truly normal in a psychiatric sense but I do believe there is a way to have a fulfilling life without harming others

 

[Seneca65AD]

There is a difference between fantasizing and acting on those fantasies. By the sounds of it, you are dealing with the "urges". So, as sunnyside and NearlyIrrelevantCak have stated, there are places to get help. The fact you are disturbed by your situation and realize there is a problem takes you out of the disgusting category. Also, you may not be as bad as you think; Your comment "I'm possibly a pedophile over a bunch of fictional characters and Pokemon wearing diapers" indicates to me that you are not sure about the pedophile part of the equation. Hell, there is a huge sub-culture who gets turned on by adults wearing diapers and "acting" infantile. I am not suggesting anything other than it may be too early in your self-assessment to label yourself as disgusting. Get some professional assistance and see what is happening.