To_bareTo_tear
New Member
- May 30, 2026
- 2
Hello, I guess this also counts as my first post so l'll introduce who I am because it does matter to why I'm asking this. (Yeah.. I'm aware there's an entire thread for it...)
I'm a 19 year old living in Kenya, I've always felt particularly excluded from people and normalcy since I was born, first of all I'm intersex, despite having gone through complete virilization (basically as a baby I had predominantly male traits) I went through a vaginoplasty and was assigned female and grew up like one. (This was before it was banned here in 2011) I'm non-binary now but it caused a lot of problems for me when I was young, I don't consider myself bullied at any point in my life but a lot of the girls around me knew I wasn't like them and would constantly bring up just how different I was, sometimes it'd escalate into calling me a lesbian or an atheist (funny how they were atleast half right), the jist of it is just in school I wasn't dealt the greatest hand despite being a middle class "Nairobian" in a private school and not the public ones where you could literally get flogged.
This constant exclusion extended to my home life too, I'm the youngest of my two siblings, my older sister in the middle of her early teens and my older brother was already in his late teens by the time I was born so a booger eating baby like me was never someone they wanted around, I was lucky if they tried to speak to me for something other than chores.
And I understood that, extremely early on, I learnt to that it was just better to do things on my own because nobody actually wanted me around.
Same for my only living parent, my mom, my dad had died when I was about eight from cancer and since then she simply didn't have time for me, but more than that she just didn't care. I've always felt this way of being excluded and insignificant so when I brought it up to her when I was 12 in an arguement about feeling like it might just be easier to kill myself than bother everyone else she really just told me to go ahead and that l'll go to hell anyway. (Yeah on top of my trauma dumping here there's also religious bigotry yay...)
Of course I got angry not just in that incident but at everyone too for never bothering to care about me, I got so angry that at some points when my mom tried to discipline me with her beatings I fought back, it was only until I was 15 she tried it again and I was strong enough to hit her back, bad enough she went to hospital, that day all my family sat down and had to seriously discuss why it might be bad to hit me, this time it wasn't because it's "bad for my psychology" like how my siblings tried to argue when they were inevitably dragged into the fights with my mom but because "I'm a danger".
L'll never forget seeing my mom in that brown couch lying to everyone even my therapist cousin at the time that she didn't touch me, that "I was acting irrational and facing mental problems since the very beginning" using the incident where she failed to help me not think of suicide as a fact of my insanity, everyone believing her saying I was "too westernised", having my siblings cry to me about "what about our futures!!? She's our only mother!!" And having to stay at my cousin's place for 4 weeks to "give me space".
Ever since then I've never felt more distant from people as a whole, I even stopped arguing with my family but it was only because I started to avoid them and hold my tongue more, but it was just a bottle, I still hated them and everyone deep down everyday from those incidents I was angry, I wanted to hurt them, hurt my mother again especially, it wouldn't stop coming to me I almost got expelled from my high school for sending death threats to an ex friend classmate and the day after going to her party to make more (which probably fucked over my chances of employment now fr I should just kill myself fr lmao)
I can't count the amount of times I've thought about how much happier I would be if someone specifically was dead and I was in prison for something i considered protection despite knowing it was irrational.
Honest to god, it's why I haven't made any posts here yet despite my account being much older (which.. Im not even sure you can check lol) aside from telling my story often having people ask me if l'll be serial killer soon, as much as I struggle with suicidal thoughts I struggle with homicidal violent thoughts more, I don't want to die not really I just want to hurt someone or have someone care. So honestly I'm unsure if this is where I should be but I figured I could atleast try to be better.
I've been considering getting into self harm to help with my violent thoughts, the issue with non-violent affirmations is that they do not clear my head and when it comes to trying to "stepping back and re-evaluating" it's worse because there's a decent amount of times I genuinely cannot see myself in the wrong, so then it leaves me to just consider "the morals" of the situation which feels pretty useless when most the time I'm willing to throw everything to the bin if it means l'll be happier because "morals are for losers!" (Not that I think morals are actually irrelevant or bad I'm just describing my thought process on them since morals tend to fall more into "social obligations" than anything actually meant to help people)
In general the thought remains and at best just no physical impulse if I'm using a stress ball or something that tires out my hands but I still crave something to see that's "broken".
I thought cutting would help this but I've found it unsatisfactory, well it does clear my head faster since I'm more concerned on cleaning up my wound after, it's still mostly unpleasant and I just get annoyed at the scar after (wow who would think hurting yourself would hurt?? sorry for so much sarcasm lol), so far I've found chicken scratches of cuts by using a dull razor don't hurt as much nor bother me. If anyone has any spots on the body that do not hurt as much or more advice aside from "make sure to make a care package I'd appreciate it.
Might be late on replies too procrastination royalty here and again most the time I decided to be blatant like this I get socially murdered
(istg if there's a spelling mistake or something in here l'll stab myself)
I'm a 19 year old living in Kenya, I've always felt particularly excluded from people and normalcy since I was born, first of all I'm intersex, despite having gone through complete virilization (basically as a baby I had predominantly male traits) I went through a vaginoplasty and was assigned female and grew up like one. (This was before it was banned here in 2011) I'm non-binary now but it caused a lot of problems for me when I was young, I don't consider myself bullied at any point in my life but a lot of the girls around me knew I wasn't like them and would constantly bring up just how different I was, sometimes it'd escalate into calling me a lesbian or an atheist (funny how they were atleast half right), the jist of it is just in school I wasn't dealt the greatest hand despite being a middle class "Nairobian" in a private school and not the public ones where you could literally get flogged.
This constant exclusion extended to my home life too, I'm the youngest of my two siblings, my older sister in the middle of her early teens and my older brother was already in his late teens by the time I was born so a booger eating baby like me was never someone they wanted around, I was lucky if they tried to speak to me for something other than chores.
And I understood that, extremely early on, I learnt to that it was just better to do things on my own because nobody actually wanted me around.
Same for my only living parent, my mom, my dad had died when I was about eight from cancer and since then she simply didn't have time for me, but more than that she just didn't care. I've always felt this way of being excluded and insignificant so when I brought it up to her when I was 12 in an arguement about feeling like it might just be easier to kill myself than bother everyone else she really just told me to go ahead and that l'll go to hell anyway. (Yeah on top of my trauma dumping here there's also religious bigotry yay...)
Of course I got angry not just in that incident but at everyone too for never bothering to care about me, I got so angry that at some points when my mom tried to discipline me with her beatings I fought back, it was only until I was 15 she tried it again and I was strong enough to hit her back, bad enough she went to hospital, that day all my family sat down and had to seriously discuss why it might be bad to hit me, this time it wasn't because it's "bad for my psychology" like how my siblings tried to argue when they were inevitably dragged into the fights with my mom but because "I'm a danger".
L'll never forget seeing my mom in that brown couch lying to everyone even my therapist cousin at the time that she didn't touch me, that "I was acting irrational and facing mental problems since the very beginning" using the incident where she failed to help me not think of suicide as a fact of my insanity, everyone believing her saying I was "too westernised", having my siblings cry to me about "what about our futures!!? She's our only mother!!" And having to stay at my cousin's place for 4 weeks to "give me space".
Ever since then I've never felt more distant from people as a whole, I even stopped arguing with my family but it was only because I started to avoid them and hold my tongue more, but it was just a bottle, I still hated them and everyone deep down everyday from those incidents I was angry, I wanted to hurt them, hurt my mother again especially, it wouldn't stop coming to me I almost got expelled from my high school for sending death threats to an ex friend classmate and the day after going to her party to make more (which probably fucked over my chances of employment now fr I should just kill myself fr lmao)
I can't count the amount of times I've thought about how much happier I would be if someone specifically was dead and I was in prison for something i considered protection despite knowing it was irrational.
Honest to god, it's why I haven't made any posts here yet despite my account being much older (which.. Im not even sure you can check lol) aside from telling my story often having people ask me if l'll be serial killer soon, as much as I struggle with suicidal thoughts I struggle with homicidal violent thoughts more, I don't want to die not really I just want to hurt someone or have someone care. So honestly I'm unsure if this is where I should be but I figured I could atleast try to be better.
I've been considering getting into self harm to help with my violent thoughts, the issue with non-violent affirmations is that they do not clear my head and when it comes to trying to "stepping back and re-evaluating" it's worse because there's a decent amount of times I genuinely cannot see myself in the wrong, so then it leaves me to just consider "the morals" of the situation which feels pretty useless when most the time I'm willing to throw everything to the bin if it means l'll be happier because "morals are for losers!" (Not that I think morals are actually irrelevant or bad I'm just describing my thought process on them since morals tend to fall more into "social obligations" than anything actually meant to help people)
In general the thought remains and at best just no physical impulse if I'm using a stress ball or something that tires out my hands but I still crave something to see that's "broken".
I thought cutting would help this but I've found it unsatisfactory, well it does clear my head faster since I'm more concerned on cleaning up my wound after, it's still mostly unpleasant and I just get annoyed at the scar after (wow who would think hurting yourself would hurt?? sorry for so much sarcasm lol), so far I've found chicken scratches of cuts by using a dull razor don't hurt as much nor bother me. If anyone has any spots on the body that do not hurt as much or more advice aside from "make sure to make a care package I'd appreciate it.
Might be late on replies too procrastination royalty here and again most the time I decided to be blatant like this I get socially murdered
(istg if there's a spelling mistake or something in here l'll stab myself)
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