How can a mother be unable to love her own child?

[lawlietsph]

it takes a certain type of evil to bring a child/children into this world and to subsequently not care or love them, a certain type of evil that is unfortunately common among our society. Having children is looked at more as a fun thing to do or a quota to fill rather than something that should actually be logically thought through, and the biproduct of this haste and overall boredom with life is a living breathing soul that lesser beings will choose to mistreat or abandon. nobody actually wants to think about if their partner is healthy for the relationship in the long term or if they're responsible enough to raise a child or even if they themselves can, they just want to have a child so they can "show" others and themselves that they're doing something with their lives. Essentially its sacrifice with less steps. My mother has told me she wouldnt care if i died before, my father has told me im someone that "needs to be abused" and the rest of my family is more of the same, people who dont give a fuck and are too absolutely terrified to drop their own image that they all end up festering narcissism in themselves and the people around them, any semblance of intelligence or cognitive thought becomes null because why would you want to be truly happy when you could be the worst person in the world? all a ploy to plead the victim. I too wonder what it would be like to be hugged by a parent that actually loved me, to actually look at the people who raised me with love instead of contempt or indifference, and why the universe has made their lives into ones where im somebody that cant be ignored but instead has to be tortured. I really struggle to understand how someone could willingly bring a living breathing human into this world and then not love them, even if you realised that early on why would you not give the child away? What a faulty race we've evolved to be

This made me cry a little bit because I agree so so so so much with everything you say. It is deeply sad and horrible, how we have to face decades of suffering just because they were bored or wanted to show the world how they 'love each other'. Of course it was all a lie. Our whole entire family hated each other, my parents are even divorced now. It wasn't worth it at all.

 

[S like suicide]

What's it like when they care about you ending your life?
My mother doesn't care about it. I've told her when I've tried to hang myself, and her answer was "And? What should I do about it?"

Oh my God...something very similar happened to me.
The reality is that parents sometimes can be very cruel.
Prople are lucky when they are born in a very loving family....i wasn't,and now it is slightly....SLIGHTLY better but for more than 10 years they not only caused me trauma since a was in the belly but also let me live in total hell when I started to feel bad.
The pain they gave me is undescrivable....for real i can't find the right words for how painful it was and still is,I used to feel a huge cold void in my heart.
Unfortunately you can run away from them but you can't cancel them,we can't change parents,if so I would have already done it.
I feel you so much....at least "be comforted" by the fact that you are not alone,I understand you

 

[lawlietsph]

Oh my God...something very similar happened to me.
The reality is that parents sometimes can be very cruel.
Prople are lucky when they are born in a very loving family....i wasn't,and now it is slightly....SLIGHTLY better but for more than 10 years they not only caused me trauma since a was in the belly but also let me live in total hell when I started to feel bad.
The pain they gave me is undescrivable....for real i can't find the right words for how painful it was and still is,I used to feel a huge cold void in my heart.
Unfortunately you can run away from them but you can't cancel them,we can't change parents,if so I would have already done it.
I feel you so much....at least "be comforted" by the fact that you are not alone,I understand you

Thank you so much Yeah, I mean I know that the best thing would be no contact and just fully let them go... But it's not just about that. Even if I could move far away, the huge hole in my heart will never disappear. It won't change the fact that I feel completely useless, worthless, stupid, ugly. It won't make me feel safer in the world. It's so hard

 

[FinalVoid25]

Many people just get children to try and fill the emptiness in their heart and then notice it doesnt work and become even more angry and hateful.

 

[S like suicide]

Thank you so much Yeah, I mean I know that the best thing would be no contact and just fully let them go... But it's not just about that. Even if I could move far away, the huge hole in my heart will never disappear. It won't change the fact that I feel completely useless, worthless, stupid, ugly. It won't make me feel safer in the world. It's so hard

it could disappear but it would require some work from you on a daily basis probably...like being your own parent and give yourself the love they didn't plus try to repair the damage they gave to you...and if you are lucky find "a new family" like a soul tribe or someone that really love you deeply,a partner.
But you know what is sad about me is that they fucked me up so good that I have trust issues and many problems in relating in an healthy way to others like I push them away,try excuses to fight,I am overly sensitive and dependant etc....so I mean I got born not to enjoy life but to trying for years to repair a broken life meanwhile suffering and after years...i am now 30,with more than 10 years of pain and suffering and working on myself...i am still unable to live in the world like a normal person,I am still broken,i hope you will be luckier than me and find a way to freedom.
I relate totally to what you said of not feeling safer in the world...exactly for me a sense of deep lonliness that never goes away.
Plus everyone in the world seems to have a good family and they love each other at least around me(in the real world not online)....so I don't relate to nobody,I can't make friends that can understand this.

 

[LastLoveSong]

This made me cry a little bit because I agree so so so so much with everything you say. It is deeply sad and horrible, how we have to face decades of suffering just because they were bored or wanted to show the world how they 'love each other'. Of course it was all a lie. Our whole entire family hated each other, my parents are even divorced now. It wasn't worth it at all.

if it helps my parents divorced when i was around 3 so i relate to that at least, to think two people could separate merely 3 years after they have a child is disgusting in reality but im used to these thoughts so i guess at this point i dont really process them as entirely shocking anymore, who knows. The world isnt built for people that actually deeply think these ideas through unfortunately, its cruel

 

[babouflo201223]

To me the worst thing someone could ever do in life is create a new life and not take care of them and instead neglect or abuse them. They have caused this person to go through unnecessary suffering and they have decided to make it even worse for them. If someone has to go through this painful world then at least give them a good start by taking care of them and loving them. Any biological parent that doesn't do this are honestly worse than anything else in life.

I do understand if some people can't be parents as it does require a lot of time and effort to raise a child and they may feel like they obligated to become one because of society and that a lot of people have children but it doesn't excuse them for being bad at it and causing more suffering onto the child when they have gone through the decision to create this new life.

You are not bad or disgusting. No one is when they have been forceful been brought here. You deserve to be loved and cared for at least by your parent/s as they are obligated to cus they created you and caused your future suffering. Your mum is the bad and disgusting one here.

In terms of ways to feel like a child and be looked after by a parental figure, look up what age regression is and see if that can help feel the void of what your mum wasn't able to do. It has helped my best friend as he has an neglectful abusive mum and so was able to experience parental love through it with me as his caregiver and mother figure.

Age regression is a very special thing, it can lasts a short time and be cured or it can be present during a very long time. My mum was not neglectful or abusive but I had to live a big trauma when I was 3 years old and another one when I was 5 years old, both the 2 into the house of the woman who was paid to take care of me when my parents were at work. The woman told me to shut up about what happened into her house otherwise my parents would abandon me. Of course it was wrong, she only wanted to be sure I will shut up because she was afraid to have big problem, but I believed her, and then began the hell into my head, because it's impossible for a child to understand that. Since then, I always ran after the love of my Mum an my Dad. Especially because I was afraid to be abandoned (even if in reality there was no reason for that of course). And my mental was built on this false belief and anxiety. It causes me problem years and years later, because it's for me impossible to have a complete and real adult life. Age regression was always a part of my adult life, even when I had a wife (until she died from a cancer) and next a new girlfriend (during 16 years). Both the 2 were also caregivers and parental figures in our relations, and it allowed me to feel safety and to have a quite normal and happy life with them. But now I'm alone, and hell is back. It's impossible for me to react as an adult completely because of age regression and lack of someone in my life who could be ALSO (not only) a kind of caregiver and parental figure.
Believe me, OP, even if our situations are different, the result is a bit the same and I understand you very well I think. We're blocked to fix our problems as true adults can do. And unless to find people that can understand that and that are happy to be ALSO caregivers and parental figures in a love relation, we're lost and we feel abandoned. I send big hugs to you, OP, Lawlietsph.

merci de t'en soucier, je ne peux pas partir complètement, mais je vais certainement réfléchir à deux fois avant de dire quoi que ce soit

I send big hugs to you. Even if our situations are different, I can understand you. I wrote an answer about age regresion below a message of Nomlesa who talked about that too.

 

[dontwakemeup]

I understand your pain. I was adopted. I met my biological mother later and waited for her to apologize and explain why she gave me away. I had a terrible childhood. I waited and eventually got tired of hoping she would be the mother I needed and wanted, eventually I accepted her for who she was and completely walked away. Years later I received a call she was in the hospital on her deathbed, I never went. I don't know what day, year she died.

I have children. I wanted nothing more than to be a great mother, it didn't turn out that way. My kids have lied on me and done terrible things, I walked away from them several times. I'm done now.

I'm not acceptable for any parent to make a child feel how you are feeling. I'm sorry you are hurting. I won't make excuses for your mom but try to understand she has a story too. Someone has made her feel like she is treating you. Maybe she isn't aware of her behavior. I've never shared my true story with my kids because I just can't. Maybe if they knew they would understand me, idk.

Whether your relationship is bad with your mom I can promise you when she's gone you will grieve her. It's never too late to tell her how you feel. Sometimes as parents we go through some fucked up shit that we simply can't be the mother you want us to be.

Sometimes you have to make a decision, accept the person for who they are or walk away. You have to do what is best for you. You can try counseling, write her a letter or simply have a talk and tell her how her behavior has made you feel.

 

[Neowise]

She was like this to me. She still is, but it hurt me more when I was little. It haunts me to this day and it will be the reason I go down. It will bring me to my grave. I have everything in life, but I'd rather have nothing in exchange for a happy and love-filled childhood. It haunts me like a curse I can't break. Forever.

 

[wishingiwasok]

What behavior? Me sitting in the corner in complete silence, not saying a single fucking thing in my entire life? Me doing everything around the house because she would not be capable of doing them physically? What behavior?
And who made me to be this way? Who beat the shit out of me because I couldn't understand homework? Who punished me by not talking to me for WEEKS? Who neglected all of my needs as a child? Who pushed me away when I wanted to hug her? Who told me that she wishes I was never even born? Who tortured me, broke me, made fun of me and destroyed my whole entire personality? Why am I not coping well in adulthood? Who's fault is that?
We are in a fucking suicide forum and you tell me to fix my problems?
Wow. Thanks, this is exactly what I needed right now. Suddenly i'm happy and not suicidal anymore

Also, "what should a mother do?"?
I don't know, love me.. maybe??? Mothers don't love their adult children or what am I missing here? It is completely okay for her to abuse and hate me because I am an adult?

I completely agree. I also have a mother who did not love or care for me and instead neglected and intentionally hurt me. There's nothing we can do to change them. Some people shouldn't be mothers. Aren't capable of the love and dedication and sacrifice. I've had to go almost no contact with my mother in order to reduce the continuous damage. You didn't do anything to deserve this. She was broken or selfish or monstrous before you were born. It's a shame you had to be her daughter instead of someone else's. But it's not you who is unlovable it is her who is unloving.